Out and About

         Some days you just find yourself in curious conversations. First, I went to a lab to have standard testing. The lab tech drawing my blood noticed how pale I am (oh please—you may have read about that here). She said I should wait a bit before getting up and leaving. Presumably we could wait until the next ice age, if she’s waiting for me to suddenly flush with a golden tan.

          “I don’t want to find you passed out on the bathroom floor,” she said.

          “Well,” I smiled, “I want this even less than you do.” Kinda wanted to say, “It’s all about you again, isn’t it?” but didn’t know if she’d get my joke.

          From there I went to a thrift shop where the cashier guy made a mistake and said he hoped he wouldn’t get fired for it.

          “I’m sure they wouldn’t fire you for that,” I said.

          “Yeah, but I already have two strikes against me for not being able to keep my mouth shut.”

          Ah, well, this could be a learning experience, couldn’t it?

          “Time to start looking for another job,” the fellow continued.

 I wanted to be helpful, but all I could think of was this guy dressed as a mime.

          What other jobs could someone have, who can’t keep their mouth shut? He got me thinking. Here’s the list I’ve compiled in case you know anyone else in that category: Shepherd, 

Night Custodian, Long-distance Truck Driver, Beekeeper, Fire Tower Watcher, Computer coder, Dog Walker, Gardener, Welder. 

And then it hit me: Blogger. Wait, there’s one more: Lab tech!

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AutoCorrect Strikes Again

           First of all, what is the opposite of correct?  It’s wrong. Right? So we should really call this AutoWrong.  At any rate, the real news is that it has now infected our speech and hearing.

          Last week I was hiking with Nicole and we came to a beautiful bend in the creek.                                    

          “It would be so great to have waiters,” she said.

          “Oh, no kidding,” I agreed. “We could sit here in lounge chairs and they could take our orders, and then bring us some cool lemona--”

          And then I saw her trying not to laugh.

          “Oh,” I said. “You meant waders, didn’t you?”

          Okay, that would be cool also. Not as cool as waiters, of course, but then few things are.

          However, you can easily read one of my books while waiting for said waiters.  Several, if you’re waiting for waders.

Polly Wanna Crackpot?

         Some time ago I had two uncles who were at war.  They loved each other, make no mistake. But each was fiercely devoted to rival universities, and would gloat with glee when their own team won, just to antagonize his brother.

          The competition escalated. Finally Uncle Bill sneaked over to Uncle Frank’s house and taught Uncle Frank’s cockatiel the fight song of the “enemy” college. Needless to say, that bird joyously trilled these lyrics for the rest of its life.  Touche, Uncle Bill.

          So I’m wondering. If I had a parrot, let’s say, what would he learn at my house? What do I say so often that it would imbed itself in a literal bird brain and get repeated to visitors?  What would a parrot say in your house?

          My first guess is how I greet the dog every time I walk into the house and she goes wild. I mimic what I think would be her person voice, and I say, “My Mommy’s home! I’m not an orphan doggie—my family’s alive!”

          Or it might say, “Why did I come in here?” or “Where are my sunglasses?”  Or, “Look at this cute idea!”

But, more than likely it will mutter what Bob says would be the perfect name for my cooking show: “Oh, it’ll be fine.”

What would your parrot repeat? Hopefully you’ll watch so many of my Youtube Mom videos that it will mimic me!

In the Waiting Room with St. Bob

            Literally anywhere can be entertaining if you have St. Bob with you. For example, one of our sons had a medical procedure last week, so Bob and I found a couple of chairs to sit in, while we waited.

          A TV was hanging on the wall before us, and Bob immediately pointed out the “NO FOOD OR DRINK” sign.  Then the soda machine just to the left.

         Next he popped into the restroom, where he snapped this photo:

          Looks normal, right? Environmental Services had posted it. Then St. Bob told me to zoom in.  He had scribbled in a couple of extra letters:

 

          Next he stepped casually up to the television and disobeyed the other "Please do not touch the television" sign.

          It’s not easy traveling about with a bored 6-year-old.

I recommend bringing along one of my books!

Doctor Who?

           I went in for a scheduled ultrasound last week. These, along with MRIs, come up occasionally when you’ve had cancer.

But it turned out I didn’t need one at all and had driven there for nothing. “No problem,” I thought. “Gas is only $800 dollars a gallon.”

Then I gasped. There, on the wall, was a graduation certificate that said, Rabiologist. 

So now I’m being checked for Rabies?  Excuse me?  On closer examination I realized it actually said radiologist. But they could have chosen a better font, right? Or I need my eyes checked.

Then we were watching Jeopardy! (granted I was in the kitchen, only glancing over occasionally) and they introduced a meaty urologist!  “Well, that’s a bit rude and judgmental,” I decided. 

But now it was my hearing that was the problem. They had actually said, “meteorologist.”  And why isn't that a scientist who studies meteors? We live in a confusing world.

 You, however, need not worry about any confusion. Just watch my Youtube Mom videos and you’ll learn how to do everything!

Tough Crowd

         It doesn’t always work to crack jokes when traveling in foreign countries. They have humor, alright, but it’s their humor.

          For example, on our recent trip through Europe, Bob joked that we came wurst class, but got plenty of sausage. No one cracked a smile.

           Then our guide led us to a giant statue of a man on a horse. St. Bob quipped, “Is that John Wayne?”  Well, of course we all know it isn’t John Wayne. It didn’t even need an answer. (Mr. Wayne would never have worn such a flouncy hat.)

         But the guide adamantly explained that it most certainly was not an American movie star, but Emperor William I. Several times he repeated this, to clear up any confusion.

Then, further down the river, I tried to kid with a member of the crew who was helping us get back on our boat. Sometimes they dock two or three of these longboats beside one another.

The fellow told us to walk right through the first two boats, and enter the third one.

“Hey,” I said, “if you could line up five or six more of these, you’d have a bridge to the other side!”

Oh, no, not possible. That would break the rules of safety. That could never happen. There are regulations. Never could you attempt such a thing. I was already down the ramp by now, but the fellow was continuing, shouting after me about safety rules lest I try such a foolhardy maneuver.

Whatever. Lunch was a fabulous crab salad, a tasty bit of pork, and a caramel apple confection. 

Thankfully I was not given gruel as punishment, and sent to my room. Although their muesli is pretty incredible and my room has an awesome view.

You can find great travel tips on my Youtube Mom channel—check it out!

Unbelievable!

           The following is a true story and happened just last night, at my next-door-neighbor’s home.

          It was late evening and I got a call that there were several crashed cars in front of our house, including a Range Rover.

          WHAT?!?  My daughter and I ran out to investigate. There were flashing lights, sirens, and a gathering crowd. I stood on the front lawn and saw two crashed sedans, but no Range Rover. Then I turned to face my neighbor’s house, and there was a Range Rover INSIDE THEIR GARAGE.

          Did they get a new car? Nope. The driver of the Range Rover had come zooming down the street, crashed into one of their cars which was parked on the curb, then turned up their driveway and crashed into a second car there.

          Was this enough? Nope. The driver then smashed through their garage door, all the way into their garage.

        The word that comes to mind for their garage door is "smithereens": 

               My neighbor and her family were standing about, stunned, and a police officer was already on the scene. The driver had taken a breath test, and was first claiming to have fallen asleep, then to have had a seizure.  Uh, which one was it? Or none of the above?  Who falls asleep in 200 yards after turning onto our street, and who makes a 90- degree turn like that?

          They also offered my friend a $20,000 check. Hmm… somebody doesn’t want insurance involved.  The plot kept thickening and neighbors were speculating as to the real cause.

          Meanwhile, my friend got her insurance company to board up the open garage. “You know,” I said, as the Range Rover was towed out of the garage, “You could hardly have sustained more damage if a meteor had hit your house.”

   Imagine—two cars and one garage demolished in just seconds. It could’ve made the nightly news. Luckily no one was hurt.

Stay safe-- order and read one of my books!