There’s Always Material

           Seriously, I do not want to die a dumb death. The other night I was in the Emergency Room, coughing for four hours because I swallowed a pill wrong.

          Yep, a vitamin tablet went down my windpipe and I couldn’t stop coughing. Such a stupid situation. I tried hurling myself over furniture to Heimlich it out, and Bob clapped me on the back, but nothing worked. So off we went to the hospital.

          The coughing was so violent that other patients were asking nurses to make me wear a mask. If only they knew that stupidity isn’t actually contagious.

          Speaking of other patients, the place was packed. Try never to have an emergency on a Friday night with a full moon. ER workers will tell you it’s the worst night for crowds.

          By now I was wondering if I would choke to death on a supplement, and what they would say in my obituary.  “Folks, you’re not going to believe this, but…”

          No lung specialist was there to help, so they took x-rays. They also wanted to admit me so that I could cough all night in a hospital room and see the doctor in the morning. Meanwhile, now they wanted to do a CT-scan to see exactly where the obstruction was.

          While waiting I continued to cough until FINALLY the thing dissolved and I could cough it up and then breathe again. Deep, glorious breaths. No need for the forceps I’d been reading about on Google. So St. Bob and I went home at about 2:30 in the morning.

          Looks like I’ve avoided headlining the Darwin List once again. So far.

But a very smart thing to do would be to check out the hundreds of life hack videosvideos on my Youtube Mom channel.

You Really Gotta Want a Slurpee

           I live in a super safe area. Or so I thought. The other night we were watching a detective show when we heard a helicopter flying low, and someone speaking through a megaphone.  It didn’t take long for the whole neighborhood to start buzzing about three guys who just robbed a nearby 7-11, and who were now fence hopping on my street!

          I called all the neighbors I thought might not know, and told them to stay inside. One of them asked me to call 911 immediately because “they’re climbing my back fence!”  Thankfully, in the middle of my effort to do so, she called and said, “Nevermind—it’s the police.”

          Still, yikes!  Our son, who lives close by, said he saw one of them getting arrested in the wetlands near him (turned out this was someone else).

          But then best friends Alex and Nancy, who live just a few blocks away, not only saw one of the robbers, but the thief got arrested ON THEIR FRONT LAWN!!

          Alex had been across the street, and as he walked home (I picture a jaunty, happy gait), the guy was trying to hide beside his house, and motioned to him not to say anything.  Like Alex is suddenly in cahoots with this criminal?!?

          Nancy and family were watching it all from their front window, and may be called to testify that there was no police brutality, etc. But there was the robber, just a few feet from them, getting handcuffed and hauled away. Thank you, local police department!

          It was definitely more excitement than we usually get here in the suburbs. And definitely more intense than the detective show we’d been watching. But given the choice, I’d rather just see police work on TV.

Speaking of watching, have you tuned in to my Youtube Mom episodes? Life hacks, laughs, and more right here.

Dream Job?

           My friend, Nancy, is one of the top economists in the world. When I say this to people, she jumps in and says that no, she is not.  But then I point out that she worked at the headquarters of Bank of America in San Francisco, forecasting financial futures with other top economists.

          Then she says she worked with top economists, but wasn’t one of them. Ha!  As if these top thinkers would work with someone inferior, someone like myself, for example. Here’s how that would go:

          I would walk into the board room and within two minutes, one of them would leave to find their boss. 

          “Why is there a knucklehead in our meeting?” he would ask. “She brought in a pie chart.”

          “What’s wrong with a pie chart?” the boss would say.

          The economist would sigh. “It’s a chart about actual pie. PIE!”

          Now another economist would join the conversation. “There isn’t one place in this bank where that woman belongs.  Okay, maybe in the vault, because she’d make each of the safe deposit boxes into a secret fairy house.”

          And this is true; I would love to do that. Think of the fun surprise it would be for the owners who open them up!

          Needless to say, I would be sent on my way, but I would probably shout back, “Hey can I deliver goodies for a mid-morning break?  I’m thinking cookies shaped like dollar signs, or pies that--”  (I am yanked out the door) “Okay, I’m going, I’m going.”

          I can pretty much promise you won’t get much financial advice in my Youtube videos. But you’ll find hundreds of life hacks, and that’s worth something, right?