It's Fun to be Crabby

           I have often said, that at my funeral nobody is going to say, “You know, she never complained.”

          But this isn’t about that kind of crabbing. It’s about my going off on a trip with some girlfriends 

and St. Bob immediately driving to San Francisco, to Hayes Street Grill.  And what was the urgency for this solo excursion?

          Soft Shell Crab, my friends. This man is crazy for it, and will drive hours and hours to get this delicacy. It’s hard to find (they’re from Maryland), so when he does, he pounces. The day he arrived, the restaurant was closed. So, he did what any sensible man would do—he came home, right?

Wrong. He booked a hotel room and reserved crabs for the following day (and they sold out while he was eating two of them).

          These crabs are lightly fried, and you eat the whole thing, shell and all. I plan never to do this. But Bob is a Foodie of extraordinary determination.

I had a great time with my pals, including the final day when we stopped at a casual restaurant with tables alongside a harbor. Suddenly I saw this sign:

Next time he decides to take off on a wild crab chase, I can save him some valuable time: Just ask moi.

10K subscribers enjoy my Youtube Mom videos—you can join their ranks and learn all kinds of easy life hacks right here!

True or False?

           I honestly think that when we die and get to the other side, we’ll find that half the things we believed were completely untrue. History-- and social culture-- are loaded with these.  As humans, we gobble up “information” without questioning it. So today I shall dispel a few myths:

You cannot see the Great Wall of China from space. Sorry. If you were going to sign up as an astronaut in order to do this, maybe consider being a travel agent.

And speaking of space, black holes are not holes. They are solid objects with strong gravitational pull.

Sugar doesn’t make kids hyperactive. That’s just how kids are.

Did you grow up hearing that painters who work on the Golden Gate Bridge start at one end, and when they reach the other end, they have to begin again at the other side? This is totally false.      

Ben Franklin never proposed the turkey to represent America (He actually suggested Moses).

Cleopatra was not, in fact, Egyptian, but Greek.

Your tongue does not have various sections for tasting sweet, sour, salty, and so on. All of it tastes all of it.

The left and right brain are not completely separate. You can train each half to do things the other half does.

Bats are not blind. Yes, they use echolocation, but they can also see.

          Isn’t it amazing how much “information” we swallow? If only we had a fact-checker in our brains, who could buzz when we’re hearing something untrue.  But then society would sound like a hive of bees.  (Oh—and only 5% of bees make honey.)

But here's a true fact: You'll love my Youtube Mom channel, filled with great life hacks. 10K subscribers agree!

Don't Be Fooled...

           I like connecting with others online. I assume you do, too, because you’re reading this. But what we all despise is falling victim to clickbait. What is that, anyway? Clickbait is an enticing, dramatic headline that hooks you, but leads to somebody stealing your data or making money off your curiosity.

          You click to see what a celebrity did, how someone cured their disease overnight, what can sabotage a great relationship, the five things that will sell your house instantly, the cheapest yet fabulous vacation, the secret your grocery store won’t tell you, how to lose 20 pounds in five days, what’s in and what’s out, and so on.

          We don’t want to be left out, unaware of the next big thing. The problem is that companies use this to keep you on their site, maybe get you to click for more information, and finally to purchase what they’re selling. If they can be like the Pied Piper and keep you long enough, they can sell ads you’ll see as you scroll along.

          There’s an ancient form of this, you know. It’s called Gossip. Today it sounds like, “Guess what I heard…”  And most people perk up and listen, waiting for a juicy tidbit to shock us.

          So here are four ways to avoid being scammed:

          Before you click, hover over the link to see its real source.

          Watch for unprofessional details—poor spelling, weird grammar, etc.

          Adjust your permission settings.

          Notice bottom line teasers, such as “then she opened the box and couldn’t believe what was inside,” or which make outrageous claims, such as “this vegetable could be killing you,” or ones which urge panic and hurry.

          Instead, check out my Youtube Mom videos. No manufactured drama, not selling you something, and you’ll even learn some helpful life hacks. Join my 10K subscribers and let your curiosity pay YOU!

Cell Mates?

          Pretend it’s 2007, and you are on the team designing the new smart phones which will take over the world, or at least teenagers. Here is your boss, explaining the assignment:

          “We want a hand-held device with a screen on the front, and buttons on the sides, exactly where you need to hold it.  These buttons need to be so sensitive that the simple act of handing your phone to another person will completely change what's on the screen."

          Check.

          “We want it to be nearly impossible to silence the device. Several clicks and maneuvers need to be used.”

          Check.

          “Also, to turn it on you’ll have to press the same button as turning it off (except off will include yet another button), and you’ll have to hold these buttons for a mysterious amount of time. In fact, put another button there, which can accidentally snap a quick photo of your screen. The more buttons on the sides, the better.”

          Check.

          “Not only that, but the phone itself must be very breakable, with a screen that can easily shatter. And no water-proofing—no, no no.”

          Check.

“To utilize the speaker phone, you can start with one button, but over the years make it two, and then three, because people like complication.”

Check.

“Oh—and make sure that accidental dials are so common that they get a cute nickname.”

Check.

“Congratulations! Now when you see someone shaking their cell phone in frustration, you can smile and think to yourself, “I did that.”

One good thing about phones is that you can watch my Youtube Mom videos there. Join 10K others, and be sure to subscribe!

To Bee or Not to Bee

          Well, well, well. Here’s the latest in my attempt to encourage pollinators. Besides planting a zillion flowers

 
          I have hung three bee hotels, which have attracted several kinds of bees. Here they are supposed to rest, sleep, and raise babies.

 (Dark, evil music plays here.)  Narrator: But Joni forgot about Blue Jays.

Yes, indeed. Turns out the hummingbird is not the only one that can hover in place. Blue birds do the same thing in front of bee hotels, where they stick their beaks into the holes and EAT whatever’s in there. Like these are birdfeeders.

           It’s useless to wave them away; they just come back once you’re gone.

If you look them up, you get no indication of the dastardly lives they lead. You learn that they can imitate hawks, that they’re members of the corvid family (more like Corleone), which means they’re almost as smart as Ravens and Crows. This is not necessarily a good thing. That’s why we have the phrase, “Criminal mastermind.”

You’ll read that they form tight family bonds (again, like the Corleones), and they travel together in flocks called bands. As in Band of Robbers. I’m surprised it’s not called a gang.

            They’re even wearing a disguise!  That blue you see?  Totally fake. It’s actually brown, but the feathers scatter light to make them look blue. I am not making this up.

I thought about taking down the bee hotels. But then I realized I can put them behind chicken wire to keep the Blue Jays out.  Nanner,  nanner, Nature.

I have hundreds of other life hacks you’ll enjoy right here, on my Youtube Mom channel.  

Now Hair This!

           They say (the great They) that “life is a series of challenges and disasters, but eventually you find a hairdresser you like.” Why is it so hard to simply find a good stylist, right?

          But I finally found one—a hairdresser that listens to me, and gives me what I want, without an argument.

          Sounds so simple, right? But I’ve had hairdressers speak to me as if I’m a child (That’s not how toner works. Let me explain how toner works…),

           and as if I’m an old woman (you know, as we age, we need to embrace more neutral colors…)

          I even took my cancer wigs (!!) to one hairdresser, to show her the highlights I’m talking about. Even that didn't work.

          At last, after a string of disasters, I finally found a stylist (on April Fool's Day, of all things!) who gave me the right color, the right low-lights and the right high-lights.

            So here it is, like it or hate it, I'm sticking with it.

                 You can uncover secret life hacks by subscribing to my Youtube Mom channel right here!

Feeling Sheepish?

           We all know moths lay eggs on your wool clothing, and then their larvae hatch and eat holes in your clothes, right? 

So… enquiring mind here… why aren’t there clouds of moths over every herd of sheep?  I mean, that’s where there’s a surplus of wool, right?

          I know you’ve been wondering the same thing, so I researched it for you, and here’s the skinny: A moth can be carrying 200 eggs, but she’ll only leave them in motionless places. Sheep, though slow, are on the move. 

Turns out moth larvae (who also eat silk, cotton, angora, and other fibers which contain keratin) like their dinners undisturbed.

          So, in addition to keeping your wool sweaters scrupulously clean, you should wear them often. I don’t know about you, but this makes me picture people wearing layers of sweaters, just to prevent egg-hatching.

Or, since larvae like wool clothes that are kept in drawers and closets where it’s dark and still, should we display our wool items near a sunny window, and riffle through them a few times a day?? 

My final advice is simply to store your sweaters in the freezer, which will kill any sneaky eggs. Now, if you still want to know more fascinating facts about sheep, I wrote a blog about them here.

And another blog about actually SHEARING one, here.

I also show you how to fold and store your sweaters here, in one of my short Youtube Mom life hack videos. So many places to click!