Tuesday, August 9, 2022

Strawberry Rocks

         Yes, as a flavor, strawberry definitely rocks. But today I’m sharing a terrific trick you can use in the garden: Strawberry rocks!


          This is not a joke. You paint some small rocks to look like strawberries, then scatter them by your actual strawberry plants.


          Birds will come to steal your berries, peck on the hard rocks, and fly away. They’ll figure you are a terrible gardener and have nothing edible to offer.


          You’re welcome.  And, if you’re actually no good at growing things, you can do this with all your veggies, because it will impress the heck out of your neighbors. Imagine watermelon and pumpkin boulders—wow!

I even have a youtube video about this that you can see here.

Tuesday, August 2, 2022

Problem Solving Made Easy

         I will grant you that I may have a screw loose.


          For example, when my church women’s group had a get-acquainted night and I was asked, “What was your favorite grade in school?” I didn’t say 6th grade or 10th grade, I just stared for a moment trying to imagine how there could be any other answer, and said, “A.” 

          Right? Why would you want any other grade? And then it was explained that they meant kindergarten, etc.  I could see on several women’s faces the familiar expression, “Yeah, we’re getting to know her, all right.”


          BUT… that loose screw has come in handy when I need to give advice. A friend recently called me and confided that she thinks she weighs more than her husband, now. What should she do?

          Well, I told her, assuming this is a problem that even needs fixing, I see two choices. One, you could lose weight. Or two, get him to gain weight. Now you tell me: Which one is easier?


          I say fire up the ovens, Honey.

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Tuesday, July 26, 2022

Out and About

         Some days you just find yourself in curious conversations. First, I went to a lab to have standard testing. The lab tech drawing my blood noticed how pale I am (oh please—you may have read about that here). She said I should wait a bit before getting up and leaving. Presumably we could wait until the next ice age, if she’s waiting for me to suddenly flush with a golden tan.

          “I don’t want to find you passed out on the bathroom floor,” she said.

          “Well,” I smiled, “I want this even less than you do.” Kinda wanted to say, “It’s all about you again, isn’t it?” but didn’t know if she’d get my joke.

          From there I went to a thrift shop where the cashier guy made a mistake and said he hoped he wouldn’t get fired for it.

          “I’m sure they wouldn’t fire you for that,” I said.

          “Yeah, but I already have two strikes against me for not being able to keep my mouth shut.”

          Ah, well, this could be a learning experience, couldn’t it?

          “Time to start looking for another job,” the fellow continued.

 I wanted to be helpful, but all I could think of was this guy dressed as a mime.


          What other jobs could someone have, who can’t keep their mouth shut? He got me thinking. Here’s the list I’ve compiled in case you know anyone else in that category: Shepherd, 

Night Custodian, Long-distance Truck Driver, Beekeeper, Fire Tower Watcher, Computer coder, Dog Walker, Gardener, Welder. 


And then it hit me: Blogger. Wait, there’s one more: Lab tech!

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Tuesday, July 19, 2022

AutoCorrect Strikes Again

           First of all, what is the opposite of correct?  It’s wrong. Right? So we should really call this AutoWrong.  At any rate, the real news is that it has now infected our speech and hearing.

          Last week I was hiking with Nicole and we came to a beautiful bend in the creek.                                    

          “It would be so great to have waiters,” she said.


          “Oh, no kidding,” I agreed. “We could sit here in lounge chairs and they could take our orders, and then bring us some cool lemona--”

          And then I saw her trying not to laugh.

          “Oh,” I said. “You meant waders, didn’t you?”

          Okay, that would be cool also. Not as cool as waiters, of course, but then few things are.

          However, you can easily read one of my books while waiting for said waiters.  Several, if you’re waiting for waders.

Tuesday, July 12, 2022

Polly Wanna Crackpot?

         Some time ago I had two uncles who were at war.  They loved each other, make no mistake. But each was fiercely devoted to rival universities, and would gloat with glee when their own team won, just to antagonize his brother.


          The competition escalated. Finally Uncle Bill sneaked over to Uncle Frank’s house and taught Uncle Frank’s cockatiel the fight song of the “enemy” college. Needless to say, that bird joyously trilled these lyrics for the rest of its life.  Touche, Uncle Bill.


          So I’m wondering. If I had a parrot, let’s say, what would he learn at my house? What do I say so often that it would imbed itself in a literal bird brain and get repeated to visitors?  What would a parrot say in your house?


          My first guess is how I greet the dog every time I walk into the house and she goes wild. I mimic what I think would be her person voice, and I say, “My Mommy’s home! I’m not an orphan doggie—my family’s alive!”

          Or it might say, “Why did I come in here?” or “Where are my sunglasses?”  Or, “Look at this cute idea!”

But, more than likely it will mutter what Bob says would be the perfect name for my cooking show: “Oh, it’ll be fine.”

What would your parrot repeat? Hopefully you’ll watch so many of my Youtube Mom videos that it will mimic me!

Tuesday, July 5, 2022

In the Waiting Room with St. Bob

            Literally anywhere can be entertaining if you have St. Bob with you. For example, one of our sons had a medical procedure last week, so Bob and I found a couple of chairs to sit in, while we waited.

          A TV was hanging on the wall before us, and Bob immediately pointed out the “NO FOOD OR DRINK” sign.  Then the soda machine just to the left.

         Next he popped into the restroom, where he snapped this photo:


          Looks normal, right? Environmental Services had posted it. Then St. Bob told me to zoom in.  He had scribbled in a couple of extra letters:

 


          Next he stepped casually up to the television and disobeyed the other "Please do not touch the television" sign.

          It’s not easy traveling about with a bored 6-year-old.

I recommend bringing along one of my books!

Tuesday, June 28, 2022

Doctor Who?

           I went in for a scheduled ultrasound last week. These, along with MRIs, come up occasionally when you’ve had cancer.

But it turned out I didn’t need one at all and had driven there for nothing. “No problem,” I thought. “Gas is only $800 dollars a gallon.”

Then I gasped. There, on the wall, was a graduation certificate that said, Rabiologist. 

So now I’m being checked for Rabies?  Excuse me?  On closer examination I realized it actually said radiologist. But they could have chosen a better font, right? Or I need my eyes checked.

Then we were watching Jeopardy! (granted I was in the kitchen, only glancing over occasionally) and they introduced a meaty urologist!  “Well, that’s a bit rude and judgmental,” I decided. 

But now it was my hearing that was the problem. They had actually said, “meteorologist.”  And why isn't that a scientist who studies meteors? We live in a confusing world.

 You, however, need not worry about any confusion. Just watch my Youtube Mom videos and you’ll learn how to do everything!