Tuesday, June 22, 2021

Brain Pills

           So I tell my doctor I’m having hot flashes and brain fog. She says it’s from the Arimistat I take, now that I’ve recovered from breast cancer. It blocks estrogen and has both those side affects.

          But there are remedies. She gives me several ideas for hot flashes, including acupuncture.  Also, since I've gained a bit during this pandemic, she reminds me that thin people are cooler than fat people. "Yeah, but fat people are harder to kidnap," I say. "So, you know, mox nix."

         Then she recommends one for brain function.

          Yay, I say, and I head to the market. I’m looking up and down the vitamin and herb aisle. A clerk sends the manager over to help. I tell him I need Lion’s Mane for my hot flashes.

          “Here it is,” he says, reaching for a bottle on the shelf.

          And there, in bold lettering, we see that no, it is not for hot flashes, it is for MEMORY.

          “Oh my gosh,” I say. “I guess that one’s for memory.”  And I cringe because I’ve forgotten the memory one!

          I get home, go upstairs, and tell St. Bob what happened. Then we go downstairs, and I notice I’m still holding the bottle that belongs upstairs.

          “Better take one quick,” Bob says. “Before you can’t remember why you bought it.”  Very helpful, that guy, Whats-his-name.

          You can test your own memory. See if you can remember to order my books and subscribe to this blog!

Tuesday, June 15, 2021

Hey, You Skinny Thing!

         Have you gained your Covid 19 yet? If not, there’s still time to gobble up all the ice cream, pizza, and pastries you can find. But even if you ate all day long (whaddaya mean if?) you will never catch up to the earth.


          Yes, good news for all of us who are sure the scale is lying. Turns out our own planet gets 100 tons heavier every day, due to falling space dust. And logic tells me that same dust is landing on every one of us and could account for a huge portion of our weight gain!  Is this fabulous news or what?


          First, a moment of silence for our precious planet. 100 tons is

                                              200, 000 pounds! 

 (My apologies to everyone who grew up learning metrics.  But probably you can figure the equivalent in stones and kilograms.)  Think of it:  200,000 pounds!  How many elephants and skyscrapers would you have to pile up to reach that total?  I can’t even imagine.


          Now, based on your time outside, determine how much space dust is falling on you. Or do like me, and just assume it’s all of the extra weight you are now carrying.

See? Don’t you feel better already? Subscribe to this uplifting blog! It will also keep you inside a bit more as you read it, thus, you will not gain as much space dust weight.  Win-win.

And check out my website here. More indoor time!

Tuesday, June 8, 2021

Worst Game in the Universe

          What were you doing at 2:30 in the morning last night? Sleeping? Gee, that must be nice.

          I WAS UP TRYING TO CATCH THE STUPID LIVE MOUSE OUR CAT BROUGHT IN.


          Yes, Simon still thinks he’s training us to catch mice, thus he brings in LIVE ones and LETS THEM GO.  In our bedroom. In the middle of the night. Look at this hunter's focus:


         Naturally the mouse ran under our bed. Then Simon ran under our bed. Then we heard Simon ricocheting off the bed frame for ten minutes. Then the mouse zoomed over to our love seat and Simon chose to lie down and forget all about the mouse. Probably giving us an “F” in mouse-catching, and putting it on our permanent record.


          I picture this mouse outside, waiting on the curb with a little suitcase, saying, “Oh, here’s my Uber,” and jumping into Simon’s mouth. Then he gets a free ride into a free house with free food.  Sure, there’s a workout program involving a cat, but really that’s just a fitness perk.

So if you’re planning to visit the Hiltons anytime soon, we’ll be happy to let you stay in our bedroom.

But I’d stay home and read my books until the coast is clear.

Tuesday, June 1, 2021

Tire-less?

          Tires. Not complicated items, right?  They’re round and they hold air. So when my right front tire began to leak, we took it in for analysis. Turns out there’s a puncture on the side that can’t be fixed.

          “Hey,” I said, “If we get a new tire then we can be retired!” This was a groaner, I’ll admit. 

          It was a very slow leak, so I drove to America’s Tire. I hung up on a phone call as I drove into the parking lot, and pressed the “hung up phone” picture on my steering wheel. Unfortunately, this button is also the horn. Don’t get me started on the folks who design cars.


All the mechanics looked up, their eyes saying, Geez, have some patience, lady! So now I had to roll down my window and apologize for honking the second I arrived. Then I asked where to go for air.

A guy pointed around the side of the building, where I drove, but I didn’t quite drive over the hose that dings to let them know I need air. So I’m sitting there, sweltering, and finally got out of my car and asked for help.

Eventually a guy came and measured each tire’s air pressure. Naturally the one I told him had a problem was the one with the most air in it. He stared at me like I’m some kind of idiot. Then he glanced at my arm, which looks like I’m a drug addict.

In fact, I had an MRI and then blood work this week, both of which were less embarrassing than this trip to the tire shop. Finally I left, and am now adding this place to the list of places where I cannot show my face again. Or my arms. Or my car or its tires. Sheesh.

A good way to hide when you're embarrassed, is to keep your nose in one of my books. See? You're already multi-tasking.

Tuesday, May 25, 2021

Getting Hosed?

           It shouldn’t be hard to buy a hose, right?  Ah… but returning one. Now that’s a hose of a different color. 

         St. Bob and I bought a hose. I won’t name the hardware store. Okay, it was Lowe’s.  When we got the hose home it was a tad too short. So we took it back.

          “Gee,” the helpful girl at the counter said, staring at our receipt. “It looks like you weren’t charged for the hose.”

          We looked as well. Sure enough, the last clerk hadn’t rung up the hose.

          “So all I can give you is store credit,” the girl said, starting to punch buttons.

          “No,” Bob explained.  “Don’t give me store credit.”

          “But without a receipt for it--” the girl explained.

          Finally Bob convinced her to let us leave the hose there, free of charge.

          It felt like we were leaving the scene of a drug deal. As if Big Louie is going to wait for us to get in our car, then stand in front of us, shaking a big, green hose and saying, “You think you can just come in here and leave a hose?”

          We both agreed it was the strangest transaction we could recall. And we still don’t have a long enough hose.

          Time to watch one of my Youtube Mom videos. Did you know there are hundreds of life hacks on there? Check ’em out!

Tuesday, May 18, 2021

How About a Bargain Home? Erm... Maybe Not

           Home prices are through the roof, right? Even if there is no roof! Homes that used to sell for $300,000 are getting bids for half a million and higher! Folks are moving out of previously expensive states and turning their new states into newly expensive ones. It’s a seller’s market.

          Surely there is somewhere on earth where home prices are not skyrocketing.

          Which makes me think of igloos.  You thought of that, too? See, we’re two peas in a pod. Or two ice cubes in a tray. Something like that.

So I checked out the igloo scene. It turns out Inuits never really lived full time in these cute little white half-bubbles. They were just for emergencies or hunting stays. And, while the blocks are made of snow with lots of air pockets, it’s not like you’re resting in a comfy resort. It’s still 70 below zero outside (Fahrenheit), and maybe 10 above zero inside.

I lived for three years in temperatures of 40 below (70 below if you include the windchill.) This was in Iowa, where penguins could relocate quite comfortably.  So I was mildly amused to learn that people pay considerable bucks to experience this bone-chilling, bitter weather.

What would you expect to pay for just a one-night stay in one? Forty dollars? And to buy one, what-- a couple hundred? I mean, the materials are free, so it's all labor. And a good igloo builder can throw one up in about an hour.

Turns out you can go to the north pole, rent “igloos” (made of glass or plexiglass, apparently), and have a glamping experience for just over $100,000.00. That’s right, 100K.  And this doesn’t include your thermal clothing or your airline ticket.

You can also buy garden igloos (much cheaper) to use as hot houses, right in your own back yard—or go “glamping” in them with the kids. But hey, if you just sold your house for five times its value, this igloo may be for you!

Bucky Fuller, who invented the geodesic dome, would be pleased. 


But I doubt he’d want to sleep in one above the Arctic Circle.

And, either way, you’ll need something to read, so I suggest my books.

Tuesday, May 11, 2021

Could Your Name be an Adjective?

           Certain names sound like they should be part of our vocabulary. Take Kimberly. Kimberly sounds like gingerly and limber. It makes you think of someone graceful yet perky.  He took the stairs kimberly, eager to see his new office.  See? Already you cannot do without this word.

          Another one that evokes a mood is Layla. It sounds restful, quiet, almost shy. She was feeling a bit layla, so decided to stay home.

          Kenny sounds bright and shiny to me.  We squinted at the kenny sun.

          Cynthia sounds sophisticated.  It sounds like synthesis and sincerity. She had arranged the room perfectly, making it cynthia and elegant.

          Ryan sounds broad and expansive to me, like an open, rolling field. Could you be more specific? Your ideas are so ryan.

          To me, Brenda sounds like a champion. A contender who's brilliant. She’s the top brenda in her Olympic event.                                                                             

          How about the name, Beverly?  Somehow this sounds optimistic and undaunted. Maybe it combines believe and ever. She was pretty beverly about it, and just kept going.

          My own name sounds like two descriptions to me. One is a jiggly verb: Maybe we can joni this into place.  And the other is a playful adjective: We had such a joni time at the park.

          How about your name? How could it be used to describe something? If you have to coin a word, it may as well be your own name.

          Be sure to subscribe! And check out my website where you’ll find kenny and cynthia books!