I'll Leave When I Want To

 
          Years ago, when we planted a couple of trees in our backyard, we had no idea they would become behemoths. Just wanted some autumn color:

           But then the leaves drop, and with rain in the forecast, I figured I’d better blow them aside before they get wet and immovable.  Mostly I wanted them off our turquoise deck, so out I went with the leaf blower and moved the foot-deep leaves until the battery died.  Then I raked the rest into a now-impassable walkway. (Autumn leaves sound so cute in the song until it's you who has to rake them.)

           When I looked back, I saw that while I was working, the tree was hurling more leaves at me and the deck was getting covered up again.

           Looking up, I saw clusters of dry leaves in the branches, as if they are gathering troops to attack:

          Anybody want some free autumn leaves to jump in?

Or, you can stay inside and join 10K subscribers to my Youtube Mom channel, full of quick, easy life hacks.

Bested at Trader Joe's

           I had a cart full of groceries at Trader Joe’s, but once again I had forgotten to bring bags in.

          “How long have we been doing this?” I said to the checker, a guy in his 30s.  “Years? A decade?  And I still can’t remember to bring bags in!”

          He and the fellow beside him chuckled. “Do you want a bag for this cantaloupe?” the other guy asked. “So it won’t roll around?”

          “Ah,” I said, “I have the solution for items that roll around—you keep a laundry basket in the trunk.”

          Both of them were impressed. “That’s ingenious,” the checker said.

          “I have zillions of clever ideas,” I said. “I have a Youtube channel as the Youtube Mom. You should look it up.”

          Now the other guy quipped, “Hey, and if you can remember to bring bags next time, you’ll be dialed in.”

          Okay, fine, you little smarty pants. “You got me,” I admitted. Hey, nobody’s perfect.

          But, you can be pretty darn close by joining my 10K subscribers, and watching these life hacks here.

Ice Cream Encore

           Okay, I’m sitting in McDonald’s, minding my own business. Seriously, I was minding my own business, enjoying a soft serve ice cream cone while St. Bob was having his favorite Sausage and Egg Biscuit for breakfast.

          And in walks a mom with two kids and a baby. They look around. The oldest boy’s gaze falls on me. Instantly he yanks on his mom’s sweater.  “Mom,” he pleads, “Can I have an ice cream cone?”

          She follows his glance, sees me, and lowers her eyebrows. “No, you can’t have an ice cream cone,” she snaps. “Ice cream is not a breakfast food.” That last part she said a little louder, so I could hear it better.  Downcast, the boy follows his mom into another area where they can’t see me.

          Oh, I see, you’re taking him to the camouflage section, where I’m sure you’re ordering a tofu scramble with bean sprouts, and an oat milk spinach smoothie.

          And there I sat, the Bad Influence Woman. I will have you know—and I blogged about this roughly 10 years ago—that a study in Japan proved eating ice cream first thing in the morning improves your alertness and mental performance! You also get an increase in high-frequency alpha waves. No wonder I graduated summa cum laude!

          I twitch, wanting to jump up and tell that judgy mom all about it. But then I decide to mind my own business (sigh) and leave them in peace. However, you and I will know that I was not committing some kind of crime, but following the science. And you can read that blog right here.

           In fact, I think I'll go there tomorrow morning and get two.

Hey, don't miss other brilliant, easy life hacks right here, along with 10K subscribers on my Youtube Mom channel!

Of Pearls and Swine...

           St. Bob loves seafood. Okay, I’ll admit it: We’re foodies. But he is foodier than I am, because he will drive great distances to eat something he cannot get at home. In this case, exceptional oysters.

          The best ones in California are from Hog Island, and amazingly, there is more than one Hog Island. This one is in Tomales Bay. October is oyster time, so we hopped in our car and took off. Our GPS took us through the rolling hills of Napa, covered in grape vines, then through Petaluma, and finally to Marshall. We made a beeline for Tony’s Seafood restaurant.  

  
          However, because nature knows that I write a blog about disasters, there was a septic system leak near Olema Creek, (WHAT?!) and they weren’t harvesting any fresh oysters today, so they had to serve ones from Humboldt (which were delicious).

          Sheesh! We still walked through their cute store and I asked the shucker/cashier if he’d ever found pearls in the oysters. Rarely, but yes, as a matter of fact. Tiny round ones.

          However, no trip to the coast is ever wasted, and we went home down Coast Highway 1, and saw fabulous scenery:

 

At one overlook a strange little man approached us and asked if we ever wanted to be artists at Pixar. They treat employees really well, even have a separate gym for men and women, he said. We explained that we’re not actually artists (plus a little too old to launch a new career), so he hopped in his car and left.

And, besides the septic accident, that was the weirdest thing that happened on this trip.

Stay home and scroll through my Youtube Mom videos with 10K other subscribers. I promise no oysters, septic problems, or employment opportunities.

Not a Fan

 

          I do not like you, Thermostat.

          I do not like you, that is that.

          You give me cold when I want heat,

          You warm my face and freeze my feet.

          Okay, so this wouldn’t be the top-selling children’s book. But it’s true! I am engaging in Wall Warfare with the stupid little box that has all kinds of complicated buttons on it to set and then hold the temperature.

          Because it chooses its own number, I have been forced to purchase a neck fan,

          An electric standing fan,

          A window unit,

          Multiple hand fans,

            And an electric blanket.

           Meanwhile, we continue to pay for home heating and air conditioning. I’m ready to install a simple wall dial that I can set at one temperature, day or night, winter or summer.  Is that asking too much?

Hey, simplify your own life, along with 10K subscribers, by watching my Youtube Mom channel, filled with easy life hacks!

Do Not Give Me a Ring

       Our daughter agreed to watch someone’s pets while they were away. I sent her a text, asking how it was going and here’s what she wrote back:

          The dog is highly neurotic and has a piercing bark that makes the metal in the house ring. But there’s a cute cat.

          Can you imagine?  Think of all the metal in your home. Let’s start with your computer. How about doorknobs and hinges?  An entire oven. 

Faucets, curtain rods, pots and pans,

jewelry, chairs, blenders, light fixtures,

we could do this all day. And every bit of it is ringing!

          I’m thinking you should not only offer your guests earplugs, but those giant headphones that can block noise.

          I would be falling onto the couch and covering my head with cushions.

          But our sweet daughter always looks on the bright side and points out the cute cat.  

           She’s definitely the one for this job.

There is no easy life hack for a ringing house. But there are hundreds of others right here on my Youtube Mom channel. Join 10K other subscribers!

CATasrophe

           I am stunned. Astonished, amazed, dumbfounded, speechless (okay, I’m never actually speechless), appalled, shocked, and a little offended.

          There are some neighbor cats who apparently do not like me. 

         Yes. There, I’ve said it--- words I never thought would enter my mind. I have always had a way with cats, even feral cats, yet there are five cats belonging to my French neighbors at the back of our house, who will not come close.

          I have made kitty sounds, gently called them, and I even bought cat toys and scattered them over my patio.

I have not fed them, because I am a good neighbor and do not want to steal these cats, I just want to be friends with them.

          They have no fear about coming into my yard to use it as a passageway to my street. They may even think it’s an extension of their own yard. But when I come to the door—they streak back up the hill as if I’m cocking a gun.

          I have placed cardboard boxes with little doorways in my yard.

          I have rolled jingly plastic balls across the walkways.

          I have dangled strings of yarn for them to chase.

          My next plan? French lessons.

          Meanwhile, you can watch short life hacks with my 10K subscribers to my Youtube Channel right here. None of them tell you how to befriend scaredy cats.