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           Oh my gosh. Last night my dreams were literally interrupted by commercials. Seriously—one was for insurance (got plenty, thanks) and the other was for dog food (and we do not currently have a dog).

          How is this possible? I mean, I’m dreaming along and suddenly someone else is in charge? And that someone is from Madison Avenue and they want to sell me something in the middle of the night?

          These were great dreams and I wanted to continue with them. But no, I had to stop and watch COMMERCIALS!  With no fast-forward button.  It was crazy!

          Our daughter, a therapist, thinks I’m neuro-divergent. St. Bob agrees.  He says it’s not a complaint, but that I tend to think “Superman fast,” way ahead of present time. He says I ask a question, but while the person is answering I have often moved on and even forget what question I had asked.

          When someone comes to me with a problem, rather than listen and slowly try to help them, I come up with twenty solutions and then want to move on.

          If someone is speaking too slowly, my eyes widen like I’m being tortured (and I am. I literally want to scream and fall to the floor).

          So you can imagine the agony of having to watch two entire commercials before I could return to my dream. Talk about a nightmare.

Awake in the night? This is a perfect time to watch—and subscribe to—my Youtube Mom channel! Hundreds of QUICK life hacks.

Sole Searching

           You’re arriving at an elegant restaurant, a lovely wedding, a quiet church meeting and suddenly--- greeep!  One of your shoes starts squeaking.

          At the moment I have two shoes that squeak, in two different pairs! A local shoe repair guy couldn’t even fix them.

          So, Step One: Form a conspiracy theory. Maybe someone snuck into my closet and installed a listening device, because spies probably want to know what I’m saying. And it just happens to squeak.

          Step Two: Fill the problem shoe with baby powder, then shake it out. Hey, it works with squeaky wood floors. (Does not work with shoes).

          Step Three: Turn up the music so loud that no one can hear anyone’s shoes, creaky knees, or burping. But you might need earplugs.

          Or, just look at the silver lining (and if my shoes had silver linings, that might solve it!): At least it’s better than screaming.

Have you subscribed to my Youtube Mom channel yet? If not, you are missing incredibly wonderful life hacks—check it out!

Have You Arrived, Yet?

           Yesterday I think I got 14 appointment reminder calls. It was either 14 or 140—after 5 I stop counting. For any appointment whatsoever, we are now barraged with reminders about it.

Even as you are driving, they want you to take your eyes off the road and let them know if you’re on your way. It’s computerized once you’re in the system, and they’ll never stop yanking on your sleeve.

But I have an idea. What if we call them to see if they remember that we have an appointment?  Every day leading up to the appointment, we call. Here’s how it would go:

Monday: Hi, this is Joni Hilton. Just confirming my appointment on Friday.

Same thing Tuesday through Thursday. The receptionist is getting testy, now, and says, “Yes, I already told you we have it scheduled.”

But on Friday, you call that morning to confirm again. Hi, it’s Joni Hilton just making sure you have me down for two o’clock.

(Grand sigh). Yes, two o’clock, Joni.

            Then on your way, you pull over and call again. I’m on my way!

Once there, one more call. Now I’m here and I’m heading up the elevator.

Finally you get in to see the doctor and he lowers his voice, trying to be courteous.  “You know, you don’t need to call every day when you have an appointment. The girls are very busy.”

Exactly, my friend.

In between reminder calls, you can watch my Youtube Mom videos for wonderful life hacks!

AMAZING NEWS!

           I am gob-smacked. Wait until you hear this fabulous news.  First, St. Bob took me to McDonald’s for a soft serve vanilla ice cream cone.  It was a hot day and I lapped it up like a grateful rescue dog.

          And then he smiled and said, “Want another one?”  OH. MY. GOSH.  Have you ever, in your life, considered this?  Folks, we can have TWO. Just because you’ve stopped at one for your entire life, doesn’t mean you have to continue.

          You can actually go up to the counter and order another. The Ice Cream Police will not burst in and arrest you.

          My eyes must have looked like this:

          And there was a lovely bonus. A hubby who isn’t always trying to get you to slim down.  Ahhh… Heavenly.

I’m pretty sure you can eat ice cream and simultaneously watch my Youtube Mom channel for quick life hacks.

Almost Crazy

           Yesterday I was driving along behind a car that had a sticker on the back which said, Santa Girl.

          Well, kindred spirit, here!  I have an entire guest bedroom, as you recall, decorated for Christmas year-round.

         I smiled and thought, “Maybe I’ll follow her and tell her I’m a Santa girl, too!”  Or I could pull up beside her, motion for her to roll down her window, and shout the same thing.

          Folks, you will be glad I did not do either of those things. As I followed her for a few more blocks, I realized the sticker (written in a very difficult font, by the way) actually said, “Santa Cruz.” 

         
This is a beach town about 2 and ½ hours away, known for its amusement park boardwalk, surfing, and lovely beaches.  

Apparently she likes that more than Christmas. What is the world coming to?

Stay home where you cannot mis-read bumper stickers, and watch my Youtube Mom channel, full of quick life hacks.

Bilingual... ish

           The other day I met someone who can’t speak Pig Latin. This always surprises me because, like jumping rope or skipping, it just seems like a required part of childhood.

          So I thought I’d write a blog for all those people who perhaps speak Spanish, French, Italian, Japanese, Norwegian, and Swahili—yet have not mastered this secret language.

          And here’s the real secret: You’re already speaking it!  Yes, my friends, once again I have compiled a blog unlike any other. I have found four—count ‘em, four—English words that also double as Pig Latin!

          Let’s begin with a word we’ve all used: Ebay.  This is Pig Latin for be.  Or bee.  I-yay E-say Un-way Ebay. It means, “I see one bee.”

          Outstay is another one. It means to overstay, as in many a visiting relative.  You will find it in Pig Latin if you’re trying to say, ‘Stout.”  This is a word that is both a noun (describing a dark beer) or an adjective (describing a strong or chubby person).

          And in either case, it is pronounced, “Outstay” in Pig Latin. The “st” blend stays together.

          Next we have the word, obey. It’s Pig Latin for Bow, which has too many meanings to list here (bow tie, bow and arrow, a violin’s bow, etc.).  Pig Latin rules are that you must put the first consonant after the word, with “ay” following.  This gives you “Oh Bay.”

          “Airway” is the last word, and it’s Pig Latin for “wear.” It comes from putting that W at the end, followed by “ay.”   “Can you wear this hat?” becomes “An-cay oo-yay airway is-thay at-hay?”  Soon you’ll be absolutely fluent at the Bay of Pigs, England’s Swine village, or even Hogwarts.

          Ow-nay  oo-yay  ow-knay.

While practicing this marvelous tongue, watch any of the hundreds of short life hacks on my Youtube Mom channel!

Getting Things Down Pat

           Ever been patted on the head?  How about in the middle of the night?

          My first thought was, “Why is St. Bob patting me on the head and waking me up?”

          And my second thought was, “Are you KIDDING me?  I’m patting my own head?  At three in the morning?  Am I NUTS?”

          Well the answer to that is probably yes, though I can’t remember the dream that made me do that. Also, I was not trying to rub my stomach at the same time, in case you were wondering.

          All I can surmise is that I was a very, very good girl.  Right?

         Be sure to subscribe to my Youtube Mom channel, where you can find hundreds of life hacks!