Laser Focus on This, Will You?

           You know those guys who have a white beard all year so they can play Santa?

          Well, I must be hoping to play Rudolph, because I’ve had a red nose since my MOHS skin cancer surgery 6 years ago.

          It’s become redder and redder, so I finally decided to get laser treatment. The doctor couldn’t have been kinder, smarter, or faster (you know I like fast).

          “I can do it right now,” she said. “It will feel like the snap of a rubber band.”

          THIS WAS THE UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE CENTURY.  It did not feel like a rubber band. More like a marching band.  Seriously, it felt like sticking your nose into a wasp’s nest. And we have to admit, the stings would serve you right. 

          I nearly jumped out of my chair. She had to tell me to stop holding my breath. The pain was excruciating, but then you know I have big baby nerve endings, and even sipping a soda feels too prickly to me.

          Finally a cold pack came, then a cooling cream, and I was on my way home. I should expect two or three weeks of keeping gel on it and avoiding the public.

But I did not actually plan for this procedure today, because right now I have a dental appointment, followed by a temple appointment. Then tomorrow a bone scan, visitors, then a dinner engagement with another couple. And on the third day I’m delivering a meal to someone in the church, followed by a big party for the women that night.

On it goes, swollen nose, oh such woes, to my toes, no photos, I must close.

But, lucky you, you can sit and enjoy life hacks on my Youtube Mom videos. By the way, I’m trying to get 10K subscribers, so please sign up and tell your friends to do the same. 😊

Having a Blast?

           Can I just stay out of the hospital for a few minutes, please? My last routine x-ray revealed two kidney stones loitering around the water fountain in one of my kidneys, and my doctor said she could blast them so they don’t become actually, raging kidney stones.

          Having had those twice, I agreed. Zap ‘em while they’re not looking. So, under I went, asleep for the simple procedure.  But then—what they don’t reveal in the trailer for this movie—is that you have to capture these bits of sand, now, with a strainer, and turn them in like the loitering criminals they are.

          Not only that, but you have to have someone (St. Bob) do percussion on your kidneys twice a day to loosen these particles. Because being naked again in front of a room full of strangers (a.k.a. nurses, etc.) wasn’t bad enough. I kid you not, here’s the position you have to take for this pounding: 

          Seriously? And you have to drink gobs of water beforehand—how do you keep it down while basically standing on your head?  And how do you and your husband not fall over laughing at these gymnastics?

          Not only that, but am I the only person who sees a bigger problem here? If these tiny bits don’t pass on their own, what’s the downside? I’ll tell you what it is. They can grow, right? And become a zillion REAL kidney stones! It’s just like Mickey Mouse’s broom in Fantasia's The Sorcerer’s Apprentice—each time he chopped it, brooms would grow from the splinters! 

          So what we’ve created here, it seems to me, are kidney stone seeds! This is not my idea of having a blast. I’ll let you know if I move into a wing of the local hospital. Meanwhile, if you have any secret stones yourself, you can order my books here and see if laughing jiggles them loose.