Tuesday, March 1, 2022

Having a Blast?

           Can I just stay out of the hospital for a few minutes, please? My last routine x-ray revealed two kidney stones loitering around the water fountain in one of my kidneys, and my doctor said she could blast them so they don’t become actually, raging kidney stones.

          Having had those twice, I agreed. Zap ‘em while they’re not looking. So, under I went, asleep for the simple procedure.  But then—what they don’t reveal in the trailer for this movie—is that you have to capture these bits of sand, now, with a strainer, and turn them in like the loitering criminals they are.

          Not only that, but you have to have someone (St. Bob) do percussion on your kidneys twice a day to loosen these particles. Because being naked again in front of a room full of strangers (a.k.a. nurses, etc.) wasn’t bad enough. I kid you not, here’s the position you have to take for this pounding: 

          Seriously? And you have to drink gobs of water beforehand—how do you keep it down while basically standing on your head?  And how do you and your husband not fall over laughing at these gymnastics?

          Not only that, but am I the only person who sees a bigger problem here? If these tiny bits don’t pass on their own, what’s the downside? I’ll tell you what it is. They can grow, right? And become a zillion REAL kidney stones! It’s just like Mickey Mouse’s broom in Fantasia's The Sorcerer’s Apprentice—each time he chopped it, brooms would grow from the splinters! 

          So what we’ve created here, it seems to me, are kidney stone seeds! This is not my idea of having a blast. I’ll let you know if I move into a wing of the local hospital. Meanwhile, if you have any secret stones yourself, you can order my books here and see if laughing jiggles them loose. 

No comments:

Post a Comment