Tuesday, May 25, 2021

Getting Hosed?

           It shouldn’t be hard to buy a hose, right?  Ah… but returning one. Now that’s a hose of a different color. 

         St. Bob and I bought a hose. I won’t name the hardware store. Okay, it was Lowe’s.  When we got the hose home it was a tad too short. So we took it back.

          “Gee,” the helpful girl at the counter said, staring at our receipt. “It looks like you weren’t charged for the hose.”

          We looked as well. Sure enough, the last clerk hadn’t rung up the hose.

          “So all I can give you is store credit,” the girl said, starting to punch buttons.

          “No,” Bob explained.  “Don’t give me store credit.”

          “But without a receipt for it--” the girl explained.

          Finally Bob convinced her to let us leave the hose there, free of charge.

          It felt like we were leaving the scene of a drug deal. As if Big Louie is going to wait for us to get in our car, then stand in front of us, shaking a big, green hose and saying, “You think you can just come in here and leave a hose?”

          We both agreed it was the strangest transaction we could recall. And we still don’t have a long enough hose.

          Time to watch one of my Youtube Mom videos. Did you know there are hundreds of life hacks on there? Check ’em out!

Tuesday, May 18, 2021

How About a Bargain Home? Erm... Maybe Not

           Home prices are through the roof, right? Even if there is no roof! Homes that used to sell for $300,000 are getting bids for half a million and higher! Folks are moving out of previously expensive states and turning their new states into newly expensive ones. It’s a seller’s market.

          Surely there is somewhere on earth where home prices are not skyrocketing.

          Which makes me think of igloos.  You thought of that, too? See, we’re two peas in a pod. Or two ice cubes in a tray. Something like that.

So I checked out the igloo scene. It turns out Inuits never really lived full time in these cute little white half-bubbles. They were just for emergencies or hunting stays. And, while the blocks are made of snow with lots of air pockets, it’s not like you’re resting in a comfy resort. It’s still 70 below zero outside (Fahrenheit), and maybe 10 above zero inside.

I lived for three years in temperatures of 40 below (70 below if you include the windchill.) This was in Iowa, where penguins could relocate quite comfortably.  So I was mildly amused to learn that people pay considerable bucks to experience this bone-chilling, bitter weather.

What would you expect to pay for just a one-night stay in one? Forty dollars? And to buy one, what-- a couple hundred? I mean, the materials are free, so it's all labor. And a good igloo builder can throw one up in about an hour.

Turns out you can go to the north pole, rent “igloos” (made of glass or plexiglass, apparently), and have a glamping experience for just over $100,000.00. That’s right, 100K.  And this doesn’t include your thermal clothing or your airline ticket.

You can also buy garden igloos (much cheaper) to use as hot houses, right in your own back yard—or go “glamping” in them with the kids. But hey, if you just sold your house for five times its value, this igloo may be for you!

Bucky Fuller, who invented the geodesic dome, would be pleased. 

But I doubt he’d want to sleep in one above the Arctic Circle.

And, either way, you’ll need something to read, so I suggest my books.

Tuesday, May 11, 2021

Could Your Name be an Adjective?

           Certain names sound like they should be part of our vocabulary. Take Kimberly. Kimberly sounds like gingerly and limber. It makes you think of someone graceful yet perky.  He took the stairs kimberly, eager to see his new office.  See? Already you cannot do without this word.

          Another one that evokes a mood is Layla. It sounds restful, quiet, almost shy. She was feeling a bit layla, so decided to stay home.

          Kenny sounds bright and shiny to me.  We squinted at the kenny sun.

          Cynthia sounds sophisticated.  It sounds like synthesis and sincerity. She had arranged the room perfectly, making it cynthia and elegant.

          Ryan sounds broad and expansive to me, like an open, rolling field. Could you be more specific? Your ideas are so ryan.

          To me, Brenda sounds like a champion. A contender who's brilliant. She’s the top brenda in her Olympic event.                                                                             

          How about the name, Beverly?  Somehow this sounds optimistic and undaunted. Maybe it combines believe and ever. She was pretty beverly about it, and just kept going.

          My own name sounds like two descriptions to me. One is a jiggly verb: Maybe we can joni this into place.  And the other is a playful adjective: We had such a joni time at the park.

          How about your name? How could it be used to describe something? If you have to coin a word, it may as well be your own name.

          Be sure to subscribe! And check out my website where you’ll find kenny and cynthia books!

Tuesday, May 4, 2021

A Visit to the Twilight Zone

                Have you ever had one of those days when everything goes wacko?  Okay, I suspect this happens to me more often than it does to regular people (people who do not have a craziness magnet implanted in them somehow).

                But here are three things that happened last week while running errands with St. Bob.  First, I had to return some things to Home Goods. I walked in, saw the line for the cashiers, and immediately crashed into a display of wind chimes on the end cap. BIG, NOISY wind chimes.  CLANG, BANG, BRRRANg!

          Granted, I do not have excellent hand-to-eye coordination (any other body parts can be substituted for these two), but why couldn’t it have been a stack of fluffy towels?  And, of course, everyone stared at the woman who can’t even navigate a check-out line.

          Then we decided to grab lunch. Bob ordered for us while I checked out the gift shop. I wasn’t that hungry, so I told him to just order a side of mashed potatoes for me. Those are always dependable, right?  But the elderly waitress said, “Oh, did she have dental work? I always have mashed potatoes when I’ve had dental work.”  Seriously?  You would ask this of a stranger?

          Then, as we were paying our tab and leaving, Bob noticed a man coming out of the restroom who seemed confused. He was knocking papers off a table. Bob went back as Mr. Good Deed of the Day, and asked if he could help.  The guy said, “No—leave me alone! Get away from me!”  Well, you try to be nice, right?

          Maybe we should just stay home and wait for this Twilight Zone day to be over.  You can do the same—read one of my books or watch one of my Youtube videos. They’re all right here, folks.