Tuesday, May 31, 2016

That Late Show

          I am watching destiny unfold.  I told you in an earlier blog that our son, Cassidy, was fated for entertainment.  Yes, when he was just three years old one of his friend’s moms said, “That kid is hilarious.  I mean, he even has timing!  It’s incredible.”  And I said, “I think he’s going to be the next Johnny Carson.”
          And, sure enough, he’s now hosting That Late Show on YouTube, interviewing other YouTube stars.  It seems the latest crop of celebrities are the people with mega-humongous followings on YouTube.  Cassidy’s most recent episode features the wildly popular IISuperwomanII, Lilly Singh, who literally has a billion hits and millions of subscribers. You absolutely must watch this interview here:
          And here’s a little inside info.  Cassidy does a take-off on Let’s Make a Deal in this show, calling it, Shall We Make a Deal?  being sure to thank his “announcer,” whom he calls “Bob.”
          Well, this is a reference to St. Bob, of course, who actually did host Let’s Make a Deal for NBC, back in the 90s, and whose genes are now in full flower again as his son steps into his dad’s talk show/game show shoes. Yes, the coconut did not fall far from the tree, but I would like to take credit for how great he looks in Lilly’s new line of lipstick, Bawse, at the end of the show.
And, if you’d like to see our kid every week, subscribe to his channel here!

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

I Wish I'd Said That!

I’ll tell you when we are all wittiest.  It’s half an hour after an event, when you finally think of a clever comeback, but it’s too late to use it. And there’s a name for this.  It’s called Treppenwitz, or Staircase Wit.
          But it's tough to think that fast. Maybe that’s why people who can do it on the spot become famous for their brilliant rejoinders.  President Coolidge hosted a White House dinner once, where a woman said, “I’ve made a bet against a fellow who said it was impossible to get more than two words out of you.”  Coolidge’s cool response? “You lose.”
          George Bernard Shaw wrote to Winston Churchill: “Have reserved two tickets for opening night.  Come and bring a friend if you have one.”  Churchill fired back, “Impossible to come first night.  Will come to second night if you have one.”
          Churchill was known for these.  Once Lady Astor said, “If you were my husband, I’d put poison in your coffee,” and Churchill said, “Nancy, if you were my wife, I’d drink it.” On another occasion, a woman accused him of being disgustingly drunk, to which Churchill responded, “You’re disgustingly ugly.  But when I wake up I’ll be sober, and you’ll still be ugly.”
          When a reporter once asked Gandhi what he thought of Western Civilization, Gandhi said, “I’m all for it.”
          When another reporter asked Pope John XXIII how many people work at the Vatican, the pope quipped, “About half.”
          And who can forget the story of Dorothy Parker and Clare Boothe Luce trying to get through a restaurant doorway at the same time? Clare stepped back and said, "Age before beauty,” then Dorothy swept ahead and sneered, “Pearls before swine."
          And then, occasionally, we manage to do it.  Once, when my two eldest sons were toddlers, they were having a spirited time in the basket of a supermarket cart. They weren’t terribly loud, just energetically talking.  An older man walked by and groused, “I’m just glad I don’t have to take them home.” I turned and smiled.  “So are they,” I said.  Oh, touché, Joni.  Once in a while, you hit it out of the park.

If you like humor, check out Sisters in the Mix, one of my novels available here.

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Funny Medicine

          All of my kids are funny, and one of them is even a comedian. 
          I blame St. Bob.
          Here is how this man’s mind works.  The other night he gets a Charlie horse in his leg. 

          I have blogged about these before, and the descriptive names other countries have for those cramps that bite you like a crocodile.

So far, we have not come to Bob’s brain.

          As the good, helpful wife, I offer him a Potassium tablet, since I have a bottle of these I never use, but bought a while ago because I heard they were good for something or other, then forgot what it was.  Only now I remember: Leg cramps.
          We go into the bathroom where I get the bottle, but the writing on the label is too tiny for Bob to read.  Again, the Wonder Wife, I take out my contacts so I can read microscopic printing, and read it to him.

          I squint. “It says take one tablet daily with a meal.”
          Bob sighs.  And here is where his mind kicks in.  “Well, he’s not coming, so I’ll just take the tablet without him.” 
          Ah.  Emil.  Of course.
          Honestly, I am going to donate that man’s brain to science.  Or at least to a comedy hall of fame.

          Have you visited my web site, lately?  Time to kick back and scroll through some YouTube Mom videos, order some books, and see if you can find St. Bob in any of the characters.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

That's Your Cell Phone?

Here is how to ensure that all the phone calls you get will be sweet ones.  Buy a phone case that looks like a bottle of Chanel perfume:
Yes, this is my new cell phone case, and it even comes with a woven chain cord.  The idea here is to wear it around your neck when you need both hands for something else, but in my case it improves my chances of catching it before it crashes to the ground.
The best part of the case, of course, is the little stopper at the top which makes it look like a real bottle.  It doesn’t move-- it doesn’t actually do anything-- except make everyone ooh and aah when they see it.
But this is not the only clever cell phone case out there.  Take a look at these:

And, just in case I have readers employed as cell phone case designers, might I add just one suggestion?  It would be really cool if my case could actually spray a bit of fragrance, as well.  I mean, if you can think up a little stopper on the top, you can fill it with actual perfume, right? Just another can’t-miss idea that might make you a zillionaire.  Call them Makes Scents. You’re welcome.

And, while my books might not make you a zillionaire, you can enjoy the leisurely life of one by curling up in a comfy spot and reading them.  Check ‘em out here.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Hazards of the Job

          Richie announces that he needs to buy Snake Chaps.  For the uninitiated, I will tell you this is not a product for scaly lips.  No, it’s a product for a far worse problem.  And the problem is that you don’t have the good sense to stay away from rattle snake-infested areas.
          Let me just ask you, my dear readers, do you own a pair of snake chaps?  No?  Didn’t even know it was a thing? See? You’re smart.  You’re sitting indoors at a computer where the most you can get is eye strain.  Not a poisonous bite that sends you dashing to the emergency room.
          But Richie needs these for his work as a geologist, strolling into overgrown fields and meadows.  Okay, he would disagree that he is strolling.  Maybe “striding in manly confidence.”  Whatever.  He’s still kicking through snake turf and snakes don’t generally applaud that.  If they had hands and could applaud.  So they do the opposite of that, and attack.
          And I, as his mother, am supposed to shrug this off and take it all in that same manly stride.  “Are you kidding?” I ask.  “This is like having to buy a bullet-proof vest.  If you have to do that, you need to get out of places where one would be necessary."
          “What if I were a cop?”
          “That’s different.  They know they’re taking risks to save humanity. You went into science which led me, as a mother, to think you were safe.  Not only that, but this is Springtime when everyone has babies and baby rattlesnakes are more dangerous than grown ones.”
          This is widely known out here in the West, since babies don’t know how to gauge the amount of venom they inject, and give you all of it. Dopes.
          Richie decides to change the subject.  “You’ve seen geese flying in a V-shape?”
          I nod.  “Yes.”
          “You ever notice how one side is usually longer?”
          I nod.
          “Guess why that is.”
          I shake my head.  “Why?”
          “There are more geese on that side,” he says.
          And now I glare at him and he bursts into such gales—no, fits—of laughter that his face turns red and he clasps his chest.
          “That was not funny,” I say.
          Now he has to lean on the kitchen counter to steady himself and mutters something about his perfect delivery and I am thinking, What’s really needed here are Richie chaps.

          But I promise you need no special gear if you buy my books, here, and sit in the comfy safety of your home to read them.