Not Enough Bandwidth

         
If any of you have ever seen one of these:

           Then we are comrades in pain, treating a sore sacrum with a tight belt that brings a bit of relief.

          So the other night I felt pretty good, and left it off. Thinking St. Bob would be happy for me, I said, “I slept without the band last night.”

But no. He said, “Me too; I just sang a capella.” 

 
There is no reigning in his brain.

This conversation went on. I stepped into the bathroom where he was sitting on a chair, tying his shoes. My phone rang, which is the tune of the cartoon show, The Jetsons, which I enjoyed as a child.

Bob looked up, “Who is this George Jetson and why is he announcing himself in my bathroom?”

Maybe he wants to report that he slept without wearing a band. If so, I will tell him he just found a way to beat the band.

And you can learn all kinds of life hacks right here, on my Youtube Mom channel!

My Latest Lucy Moment

           I just got back from my Book Club’s Christmas gathering. We always meet at someone’s home for a luncheon, and someone else does a book review. But for Christmas, we all share Christmas books and stories we love, and even gift ideas.

          This time we met at the lovely home of a new member, about 30 minutes away for most of the gals. Her pretty home has been in magazines. Here are a few pics, before I tell you what happened:

          Driving off, I noticed Tina was pulled over.  I pulled up beside her and rolled my window down. “Just stay on this street until you hit Sunset, then turn left,” I called.

          And then, as I drove off, I noticed she was following me in her car. I thought I'd continue to wave at each turn, to help her find the freeway. A friendly, helpful thing to do, right? 

          We actually made several turns, and I waited for her to catch up a couple of times. Everything was going great until we got to Sunset. I looked over and realized IT WASN'T EVEN HER! 

             Yes, I had been motioning to a total stranger in a similar car, who probably thought I was complete lunatic. Or a creeper. Or a combination of both (a creepatic?)  She certainly didn’t suspect that I was being friendly or helpful.

          I sighed. It was anyone’s guess where Tina actually was. Probably way ahead of me.  So… if you need help finding your way, just dial

                                                  1-800-LucyStrikesAgain.

          And you might want to order my books. Check ‘em out here.

A Hairy Problem

          St. Bob is on a quest.  He wants to buy the shampoo and conditioner they have on Viking cruise lines.  He is this close to booking another cruise, just to get their hair products.

          Now, as a reasonable person, you might think these items could be for sale online.  Not a chance. Oh, sure, some traveler may be trying to sell theirs on ebay, but are those opened? Old? Germy?

          He called the company and spoke to someone in charge of such things, and was told that even he—the “in charge” guy—couldn’t acquire them.  Like giant diamonds in a hidden vault in a hidden warehouse, it simply couldn’t be done.

          Well, you try not to tell St. Bob that something can’t be done. He picks up that challenge, puts it on, and does battle with the impossible dream. And sings it.

          Meanwhile, I am calculating what it would cost, per ounce, to go on another cruise just to get the shampoo and conditioner. I’m figuring several thousand dollars per container.

          Maybe this is why some people sell their homes and just cruise for the rest of their lives. They may not see loved ones for awhile, but their hair looks awesome.

It's not too late-- grab a few copies of my super-inexpensive book, A Little Christmas Prayer to give as gifts. 

I Yam What I Yam

           I love food fights. Let me clarify. I don’t love it when people throw food (or fling mashed potatoes throughout the kitchen by lifting the beaters out of the bowl too soon, St. Bob), but I love what we could call a “Food Dispute.”

          I’ll back up. I had the immense blessing of reconnecting with a long lost cousin, and he brought his family for Thanksgiving. It was magical, like a Hallmark movie. People I have never met poured through the front door and every one of them was happy, smart, and hilarious. It made for lots of laughter and love as 18 of us gathered around.

          We played a game I made up, which gets you beyond small talk, to really get acquainted. First you ask everyone to share something they don’t understand. The whole world seems to get it, except you.  Then we go around and share something you know, or can do, that few others can do. (I curled my tongue in a clover leaf.) Here's someone else doing it:

          One couple began a friendly disagreement about yams vs. sweet potatoes, where they come from, and why they are called what they are called. Neither one would concede an inch. The rest of us were bursting with laughter as it escalated (and now we know what topic to bring up in the future, if things get dull).

          If you want, I can tell you how all this confusion started, but it won’t earn you any points in an argument. What we buy-- the soft-fleshed veggie labeled “Yams”-- are actually sweet potatoes. But slaves who had come from West Africa compared them to the paler-fleshed yams they had grown back home, and the name stuck.

          As for me, I am thankful for both, thankful for all the new cousins I met, and thankful for Richie and Nicole, our only two kids who could make it this year, because they hopped up without even being asked, did all the dishes, and packed up take-home trays for everyone.  I may have over-eaten, but that’s the real reason I was bursting my buttons.

Buy a dozen copies of my super inexpensive book, ALittle Christmas Prayer and hand them out (just $3.49) Great gift for kids or adults, really anyone.

I Should Be a Detective

           The other day we were walking through the grounds of the Sacramento LDS Temple. Sometimes you'll see deer here, and nearly always some turkeys. Suddenly St. Bob stopped. “Look at this footprint. Do you think it’s a mountain lion?”

          Uh-oh.  Yep, I did think that. It was fresh, too. He snapped a photo of it with his sunglasses for scale.

          Now, you may think I don’t know my cougars, but I grew up in Utah and everyone in Utah knows several people’s cougar stories. I even blogged about my favorite one here.

          The other possibility is that it’s a dog footprint. However, that would be a pretty gigantic dog, and what would one be doing at the temple? So I looked up the footprints.

          Dogs leave nail prints; this one had none. Cougars have a dip on the top of their heel pad, and this sort of has that.  

          Wouldn’t you know this one was smeared a bit. Maybe the animal slipped. OR IT'S A SPY, AND TWISTS ITS FOOTPRINTS ON PURPOSE.

          But I’m going with mountain lion because there wasn't one turkey in sight, and also, they used to have a sign there like this:

          And replaced it with one like this: 

          Either way, we got back in the car and took off. 

          And that’s a lucky thing, because now I can continue making Youtube Mom life hack videos for you.

Thankful for Fairies

         

         You all know that I have a fairy garden that wraps around a tree in my back yard. BUT… did you know they celebrate Thanksgiving? 

           Oh yes. I’ve seen the table they’ve laid out for a feast! They use acorn tops for cups, and little round “plates” of wood. They even have wee chairs!  

      I can only imagine the tiny food they’ll serve this Thursday. One of them left her eyeglasses in the hobbit house doorway, so I hope she finds them.

I’m so glad they decided to move into my yard!

Subscribe to my Youtube Mom videos for quick life hacks, and I will be thankful for you as well! AND... simplify your Christmas list this year-- buy a dozen copies of my classic, A LITTLE CHRISTMAS PRAYER for just $3.49 on Amazon, and hand them out. Perfect for anyone, child or adult!

Is That Really You?

        Yes, that was me you saw on the sidewalk, in socks, pajama bottoms, and a mis-matched top.

          I was getting ready to paint, and we all know you wear grubbies to do that, right?

            Suddenly I got a message from my doctor asking if I was there yet. YIKES!  I had cancelled the appointment, but then reinstated it, and forgot to fix my calendar. And I hate to be late.

          I leapt into the car and headed to the medical office. I didn’t have time to pull off my woolly socks and put shoes on. These clothes approximate what I wore:

 

 

          

Here is the picture of my bra:

 

          Aha! There isn’t one, because I wasn’t wearing one.

          Other people were in the elevator as I headed up to the office. They looked at my chest and my feet. I looked at the floor.

          In the waiting room there were several women staring, so I finally said, “Hey, if this isn’t proof that I no longer care about other people’s opinions, then nothing is.”

          They chuckled, and one of them told me she wore a pajama top to a restaurant once, and a lady complimented her on her pretty blouse.

A nurse called my name. “Cute pants,” she said. “You look like a teenager.”

And now I think we both know a new fashion trend is afoot.

Check out my Youtube Mom life hacks here.

Never Stop Imagining

          I've done it—I’ve created a Narnia-style entrance to the magical Christmas bedroom!  First we measured to see how large a cabinet or armoire we needed. Then we began looking. Months later, after gasping at prices, we found a tall, used wardrobe online that was not only the perfect size, but whimsical as well:

          St. Bob took the back off, removed the shelves, then tried to dolly it about, getting thrown into the bushes as you read here. 

          But with the help of three of our five amazing pretend grandchildren across the street (strapping teens) we got it upstairs and Bob fastened it to the wall.

           Next we gave it twig-shaped handles,  

  then hung some clothes to camouflage the surprise. 

 You push the clothes aside, and this is the final result:

          When you’re not going through secret passageways into Christmas Land, 

be sure to watch my Youtube Mom life hacks here.

Whimsy Comes at a Price

          You recently read that I have a fairy garden, a Christmas room, and refuse to relinquish my childhood. I was even given this shirt:

          But now I have ANOTHER fantastic project: In front of the door to the Christmas room we are installing a Narnia wardrobe—a secret passageway!

          I am super excited. It took months to find an armoire that was not only whimsical, but had the right dimensions. I’ll be posting later about the final result of this project.

          BUT… first we see St. Bob out on the driveway, trying to move the heavy wooden armoire all by himself. He figures he will use his dolly and move it inside with no trouble.

          (Incidentally, there needs to be an alarm that will go off whenever Bob decides to take on something like this by himself.)

          He gets the dolly under the furniture, tips it up, and then realizes that, because he took the back off, it is now top heavy and it begins to fall.

          Somehow—and I still can’t visualize this—it spins and throws him into the bushes. It knocks off his glasses and breaks a knob off a door.

          Bob’s head pops up out of the bushes,

          and his very first thought is to look about, and see if someone was watching. Okay, I do this first as well, but I am clumsier than average.

          No one saw.  HOWEVER, St. Bob got whiplash from his adventure. Hopefully there won’t be any more injuries before it’s nailed into place. The wardrobe, not the whiplash.

Be sure to watch my Youtube Mom life hack videos, while you’re waiting to see the final result!

Lessons from the Curb

         I just returned from a belated birthday celebration with three girlfriends in Newport Beach. We’ve known each other for decades, and it was a fabulous trip.

 

 

 

          But before it even started, I was standing at the curb at the airport, with various women. A car pulled up for one of them, and she immediately began gushing over the dog in the back seat. The window was down, and she leaned through for lots of kissing and tail-wagging. 

          Meanwhile, her husband was dutifully dragging her suitcases to the trunk, then getting back in the car without so much as a nod.

          And then it happened again!  Another car pulled up and it was “I missed you so much! How’s my babycakes? Yes, Yes, I love you!” to the dog, while the husband simply loaded luggage and got back in the car.

          A lesson for all: Wives, notice your husbands.  And husbands, try to be more affectionate than the dog is.

         Find more relationship advice, and hundreds of life hacks on my Youtube channel.

Forever Young?

          Last week St. Bob and I were shopping in Sam’s Club when I saw a huge dollhouse: 

         I gasped. It even had an elevator! I gushed for a minute or two, then caught myself. “Oh my goodness, I hope I won’t become one of those old women who reverts to her childhood and plays with dolls,” I muttered.

          “Too late,” Bob said (notice St. is now missing). He reminded me of my Christmas bedroom, 

         my Fairy Garden, 

          my little Princess and the Pea mouse, 

          my collections of bird nests, rocks, and boxes, 

           And several other items that could be called “evidence.”

           Yikes. I’m quite certain that the neighbor kids I play with each week will grow into their teens while I remain five.

          “But you won’t have a second childhood,” Bob said, “because you’re still having the first one.”

          However, I manage to be a mom to the world in my Youtube videos sharing life hacks.