Do I Really Kneed This?

           Here is what happens if you have a knee replacement and you live with Bob Hilton. First, he will use your walker as a footrest while enjoying some cookies. You will post this picture on Facebook, and many of your friends will think he had the knee replacement, and will wish him a speedy recovery.

      

    Next, he will make an AI video of you DANCING—yes, dancing—with said walker. To view this video, simply visit https://www.facebook.com/joniopolis

You will be twirling about, lifting the contraption over your head, and singing along with Michael Jackson’s Beat It. Once again, you post it, but many of your friends think it’s still Bob who had the surgery, and Bob’s walker that you're dancing with. 

Others will think it’s real, and that you have made a miraculous recovery.

          Both are wrong, so you decide to have a bowl of chocolate ice cream 

          Whether recovering from surgery or not, you can sit and enjoy my Youtube Mom videos, along with 10K other subscribers.

Miss Taken Identity

           Well, I’m mad again. Not super mad, just eye-rolling mad. I got a message from a Facebook friend who said she loves the pictures from “Bob’s garden.”

          Alright, let’s get this straight. I’m the one who weeds, plants, waters, prunes, deadheads, fertilizes—and when something blooms, Bob takes a picture of it. Which I post.  And which, apparently, implies that this makes it “Bob’s garden.”  

          This is not Bob’s garden. This is sweaty, exhausted Joni’s garden.

          It’s like the Saturday morning when I fired up the heavy electric trimmer, which looks like a chainsaw:

          And I trimmed the entire creeping fig vine which covers our garage and a couple of walls:

          Piles of clippings were on the ground, and I handed the trimmer to Bob so I could go and get a rake.  No sooner had I done this, than our friends, Jason and Debbie, came around the corner, jogging.

          “Hey, great job!” Jason shouted to Bob.

          Bob waved and smiled. I stood there, aghast at the timing. I had been trimming for hours, and in one quick second, Bob got all the credit!

          After our friends were gone, Bob looked at me and asked, “Oh—did you want to hold this?”  And then I think he realized it would be best not to hand it to me.

But you can see me in a sunnier disposition on all of my Youtube Mom videos. Hundreds of quick life hacks-- be sure to subscribe!

Falling for Seminary

           You know that I volunteer to teach a one-hour religion class to teenagers, before school, at 7 a.m., four days a week, right? And it’s the best assignment I’ve ever had.

          I truly love these kids and I pray for them by name. I’m also peeved that school has now ended and I won’t see them all summer. And I’ll have a completely different group this fall.

          I don't want to post photos without permission, so I won't show you the darling pictures I have of them. BUT... St. Bob makes the occasional appearance, and here he is as a hotdog, and as an olive:

          And here are just two of the many chalk quotations they put in the church parking lot: 

          So yes, I have fallen for this “job” and the kids themselves.  But that’s not the fall I want to tell you about. Just before the semester ended, they made music videos that tied into what they’re learning. They love doing this on their phones and they can edit like pros.

         At one point I was asked to be the videographer, holding one of their phones and shooting the action.

          It was like a good news/bad news moment.

          The good news is that I was helping the kids make a movie.

          The bad news is that I have dyspraxia and am super clumsy, so I shouldn’t be trusted to film anything.

The good news is that I could sit down to do it.

The bad news is that I lost my balance because I’m looking through a lens and twisting around on my chair.

The good news is that I captured their scene.

The bad news is that I fell smack onto the floor. Wearing a skirt.

The good news is that it was a long skirt.

The bad news is that I still fell on my butt in front of everyone.

The good news is that it was all captured on camera—wait—that’s also bad news. 

The good news is that I don’t have to post it here.  Whew!

But you can see me in my YoutubeMom videos, where I try not to be a complete klutz.

 

Quiz Show Expo!

Quiz Show Expo!

          If you’ve ever seen a game show, you have likely heard my husband’s voice. St. Bob has announced more game shows than any other announcer, and he’s the Bob of “Bob, tell ‘em what they’ve won.” His “Come on Down!” is legendary. He also hosted several shows, including Truth or Consequences and Let’s Make a Deal.

          So it was a total blast last weekend, to attend the first ever Expo for game show makers and fans. 

           Bob conducted a couple of panels, signed autographs, and was interviewed for a new installation on game shows, at the Strong National Museum of Play in Rochester, New York.

          When I told our son, Richie, that they’re putting Dad in a museum, he said, “Nice. ‘Bout time.”

          Something few people know is that the hosts and announcers are all friends and get along amazingly well. This made the expo quite a reunion.

Bob is known for his quick wit (he was also the audience warmup guy), but even more for being a genuinely nice person. No swagger, no ego, just a regular guy who truly wants to get to know you, and help you if he can.  From the janitor to the CEO, this is how Bob treats everybody.  When I heard people calling him a “giant” and a “legend” I realized this is the real reason why.

So I’m popping some buttons with pride, here. And I just had to give the big wheel a spin!

  I have no secrets for how to hit 100, but I have tons of life hacks for you to watch on my  Youtube Mom channel.  Check it out! 

You're in a Band?

           We had just gone to bed last night when St. Bob told me his shoulder was hurting again.

          “Aren’t you doing physical therapy for it?” I asked.

          And here’s where the story breaks down. Evidently he went to PT and thought they’d have him lift some weights. 

          But, instead, he was shown how to use one of those wide resistance bands.

“And everybody doing it was about 900 years old and I hate that frickin’ place, so I left.”  (pause) “And I went to Burger King.”

          “But if you’d try what they said to do—”

          “It’s rubber bands!  Rubber bands!” Bob said, getting worked up.

          And now I’m giggling uncontrollably. I can just picture him refusing to join a geriatric group. Bob would rather live in denial than rehab his shoulder.

          He recommends the Double Whopper, no onions, extra pickles.

          And I recommend my Youtube Mom channel here. You might not heal your shoulder, but you’ll learn a lot of life hacks.

Not Enough Bandwidth

         
If any of you have ever seen one of these:

           Then we are comrades in pain, treating a sore sacrum with a tight belt that brings a bit of relief.

          So the other night I felt pretty good, and left it off. Thinking St. Bob would be happy for me, I said, “I slept without the band last night.”

But no. He said, “Me too; I just sang a capella.” 

 
There is no reigning in his brain.

This conversation went on. I stepped into the bathroom where he was sitting on a chair, tying his shoes. My phone rang, which is the tune of the cartoon show, The Jetsons, which I enjoyed as a child.

Bob looked up, “Who is this George Jetson and why is he announcing himself in my bathroom?”

Maybe he wants to report that he slept without wearing a band. If so, I will tell him he just found a way to beat the band.

And you can learn all kinds of life hacks right here, on my Youtube Mom channel!

A Hairy Problem

          St. Bob is on a quest.  He wants to buy the shampoo and conditioner they have on Viking cruise lines.  He is this close to booking another cruise, just to get their hair products.

          Now, as a reasonable person, you might think these items could be for sale online.  Not a chance. Oh, sure, some traveler may be trying to sell theirs on ebay, but are those opened? Old? Germy?

          He called the company and spoke to someone in charge of such things, and was told that even he—the “in charge” guy—couldn’t acquire them.  Like giant diamonds in a hidden vault in a hidden warehouse, it simply couldn’t be done.

          Well, you try not to tell St. Bob that something can’t be done. He picks up that challenge, puts it on, and does battle with the impossible dream. And sings it.

          Meanwhile, I am calculating what it would cost, per ounce, to go on another cruise just to get the shampoo and conditioner. I’m figuring several thousand dollars per container.

          Maybe this is why some people sell their homes and just cruise for the rest of their lives. They may not see loved ones for awhile, but their hair looks awesome.

It's not too late-- grab a few copies of my super-inexpensive book, A Little Christmas Prayer to give as gifts. 

Whimsy Comes at a Price

          You recently read that I have a fairy garden, a Christmas room, and refuse to relinquish my childhood. I was even given this shirt:

          But now I have ANOTHER fantastic project: In front of the door to the Christmas room we are installing a Narnia wardrobe—a secret passageway!

          I am super excited. It took months to find an armoire that was not only whimsical, but had the right dimensions. I’ll be posting later about the final result of this project.

          BUT… first we see St. Bob out on the driveway, trying to move the heavy wooden armoire all by himself. He figures he will use his dolly and move it inside with no trouble.

          (Incidentally, there needs to be an alarm that will go off whenever Bob decides to take on something like this by himself.)

          He gets the dolly under the furniture, tips it up, and then realizes that, because he took the back off, it is now top heavy and it begins to fall.

          Somehow—and I still can’t visualize this—it spins and throws him into the bushes. It knocks off his glasses and breaks a knob off a door.

          Bob’s head pops up out of the bushes,

          and his very first thought is to look about, and see if someone was watching. Okay, I do this first as well, but I am clumsier than average.

          No one saw.  HOWEVER, St. Bob got whiplash from his adventure. Hopefully there won’t be any more injuries before it’s nailed into place. The wardrobe, not the whiplash.

Be sure to watch my Youtube Mom life hack videos, while you’re waiting to see the final result!

I'm Not Cut Out for This!

           We just celebrated St. Bob’s birthday, and this time some friends gave us life-size cut-outs of Bob at various stages through his life—hosting game shows, clowning around, do the news, traveling.

           We surprised him with them at a restaurant where they created quite a buzz.  But the surprises weren’t over. 

          That night I put one around the corner in the bedroom and startled him as he was going to bed.  Then there was another one IN the bed.  And another in the shower!  Needless to say, we are all glad St. Bob didn’t have a heart attack. 

          But then Karma kicked in. Every time I come down the stairs now, I am never ready for FIVE Bobs to be standing there. I gasp and jump every time. It’s like having life-size Bob wallpaper on the walls. Will I ever get used to five clones of Bob hanging out in the living room?

          I’ll have to. Otherwise they might creep up the stairs and into the bedroom again!

          A good way to hide out from life-size replicas is to get engrossed in my Youtube Momvideos. No clones there, I promise.

St. Bob’s Phone Fake

           Two days ago I gave a talk in church. Members do most of the speaking in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and my turn rolled around.

          So I thought I’d speak about serving one another, which we do tons of—worldwide, in our communities, and even in church. We don’t have a paid ministry or paid anything; we all just volunteer, and say yes when called.

          Years ago I was president of the women’s group, and my biggest fear was that someone in our ward could die with no family to dress them. I'll explain. In our faith, many are dressed in special temple clothing, usually by family. Or, if there's no family, it's done by church members, and I was terrified to do it. 

          Well, the phone rang and Bob answered it. “Yes, yes she is. Yes, I’ll get her.”

          Now he covered the receiver and whispered to me, “It’s the Stake President. He wants you to be the Stake Dresser of the Dead.”

          ARE YOU KIDDING ME???  I’m sure I nearly fainted. A stake is roughly eight congregations! My brain immediately began conjuring up reasons why I couldn’t do this. One of them was the idea that we could even move away.

          Scared to death, pun intended, I picked up the phone and said hello. Well, it was someone else. Yes, St. Bob had pulled a fast one.  There is no such calling as Stake Dresser of the Dead.

          So I used the story in my talk to illustrate the fact that we aren’t always happy to jump in and serve, are we?

          But needless to say, I have been getting even ever since.

          This same monkey is my cameraman on my Youtube Mom videos of hundreds of life hacks.

Double Trouble

           St. Bob was just in Mississippi.  As executor of his brother’s estate, he had to fly there for meetings with bankers and attorneys, and naturally had to rent this car:         

         But if you look closely you’ll notice he promptly got not one, but TWO flat tires from a local pothole.  It also prompted our son, Richie, to text, “You shouldn’t drive if you’re two-tired.” 

          However, this problem pales in comparison to what happened next. The rental company brought him a replacement, but when he opened the door to get in, there was a gigantic spider in the hinge!

          It would quickly scoot back towards the engine area, so Bob could never capture it to get rid of it. He drove that car for days, always playing hide-and-seek with this spider.

          I would not get in the first time!  Nope, nope, nope.

           I would call the rental company and ask them to bring me a third car, a spiderless vehicle to swap out with this death trap. Had I been with St. Bob on this trip, I would have refused to get in and sit down in this already-occupied space.

          But, with my luck, they’d bring me a Batmobile.     

    Hey, if you're ever stuck on the side of a road, first get away from all spiders. Then tune in to my Youtube Mom videos-- there are hundreds of them!

Death Knell Hotel

          St. Bob and I recently went to Salt Lake City to enjoy the General Conference of the LDS Church. That part went great. We also met up with dear friends and relatives. That part also went great. (You know what’s coming.)

          But we stayed in a terrible hotel. Unfortunately, we invited some friends to stay there as well, and their experience was equally dreadful.  We felt responsible because we were responsible.

          It’s fun to watch St. Bob’s irritation grow with each blunder, but then I’ve stayed in such awful hotel rooms that I find them funny now. He does not.

          First, the thermostat was wonky and unpredictable. The shower leaked onto the floor.  Then there were ultra noisy people above us. In the middle of the night. 

          Next, they turned the lights off in the breakfast room, while we were still in there. Then the microwave didn’t work. Then the refrigerator didn't work. Then the ice machine didn't work. Then the television didn’t include the channel they advertised, on which we were hoping to watch said Conference. Then the phone to the front desk didn’t work, on which we were hoping to report these problems. 

           We ended up watching two Conference sessions on an iphone. St. Bob was ready to pound the counter and possibly the managers. Luckily several Conference talks were about avoiding contention, a timely message that kept us from visiting something called a precinct. So it was a lovely time for all.

Hey, check out my Youtube Mom travel tips, mixed in with the indispensable life hacks I share!

Falling for Bob?

         Well, well, well. Much has happened since you tuned into the last episode of Joni Baloney.  

          Two nights ago St. Bob, who thinks he’s still 18, decided to join in a volleyball game with teenagers at our church. That evening after he got home, he said, “I need to tell you something, but I don’t want you to say anything about it.”

          Oh, boy, is that ever a loaded request. I folded my arms. “What happened?” I asked.

          Turns out Bob’s shoe tripped him (yeah, right) and he fell. His palms were bruised, his neck was wrenched, and he landed on his unwilling hiney.  Which, I might add, is connected to his unwilling spine. 

          Oh—and he also hit his head but he’s sure he doesn’t have a concussion because he looked it up.

          “So, what were you worried that I would say?” I asked.

          “That I’m too old to be acting like an idiot and risking my health and maybe breaking something in a younger man’s game.”

          I smiled. “As long as you’ve heard the words, I don’t care who says them.” Just so we understand each other.

A much safer endeavor is to sit right where you are and click here for all kinds of life hacks on my Youtube channel.

Over What Hill? I Didn't See Any Hill

           Done anything stupid lately? No? Then here—you can share mine. A couple of weeks ago St. Bob and I were invited to a friend’s birthday party.

           While selecting a card, we found one we thought was pretty cute—it teased the birthday guy about being old, then inside took it back by saying, “Ok, you’re not that old…”

          But there was a misprint inside the one we were reading. Part of the O in Ok was missing:

                                                Jk

          So we looked at the others in the stack. The same misprint was on every one!

          But, not to be thwarted, we figured we could just take a fine tip Sharpie and complete the O at home.

          So I was looking for said pen in the kitchen when our daughter, Nicole walked in.

          “Oh, hey,” I said. “Look at this card. They didn’t complete the O in Okay.”

          Nicole read the card and then just stared at us. “You guys are so old,” she muttered.

          WHAT? Vivacious, energetic, youthful, fun us?

          “It says JK.  It means Just Kidding.”

          Oh.  And now you know how to communicate with young people. Jk.

Aha—but I’m not kidding about visiting my website and buying my books! Check ‘em out!

Bob's Brain

           St. Bob has a juke box in his brain. It doesn’t even require coins—it just works Around the Clock (another song) and spills out into my world. Maybe it’s called a Juke Bob.

          Either way, I am treated to random songs every morning.  Most often they’re tunes I have never heard in my life.  But he knows every word, who sang it, and what year.

          See if you have tapped into this same amazing service. Do you know the following songs?

          I’ll Be Down to Getcha in a Taxi, Honey

          Put Your Shoes on, Lucy, Don’t You Know You’re in the City?

          Somebody Done Changed the Lock on My Door

          Caldonia

          Mississippi Mud

          Thank God and Greyhound She’s Gone

          Surfer Bird

          She Got the Gold Mine and I Got the Shaft

          Short, Fat Fanny

          I Got Chicken on my Brain

          Here’s a quarter (Call Someone Who Cares)

          Way Out on the Windswept Desert

          Kaw-Liga

          You Can’t Roller Skate in a Buffalo Herd

          If the Phone Doesn’t Ring, it’s Me

          How Could You Believe Me When I Said I Love You When You Know I’ve Been a Liar All My Life? (This, Bob says, was from The Royal Wedding with Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers)

          The list is much longer, of course. But I have to go put my shoes on and buy some chicken.

Speaking of buying, check out the amazingly low price of my books!