Bob's Brain

           St. Bob has a juke box in his brain. It doesn’t even require coins—it just works Around the Clock (another song) and spills out into my world. Maybe it’s called a Juke Bob.

          Either way, I am treated to random songs every morning.  Most often they’re tunes I have never heard in my life.  But he knows every word, who sang it, and what year.

          See if you have tapped into this same amazing service. Do you know the following songs?

          I’ll Be Down to Getcha in a Taxi, Honey

          Put Your Shoes on, Lucy, Don’t You Know You’re in the City?

          Somebody Done Changed the Lock on My Door

          Caldonia

          Mississippi Mud

          Thank God and Greyhound She’s Gone

          Surfer Bird

          She Got the Gold Mine and I Got the Shaft

          Short, Fat Fanny

          I Got Chicken on my Brain

          Here’s a quarter (Call Someone Who Cares)

          Way Out on the Windswept Desert

          Kaw-Liga

          You Can’t Roller Skate in a Buffalo Herd

          If the Phone Doesn’t Ring, it’s Me

          How Could You Believe Me When I Said I Love You When You Know I’ve Been a Liar All My Life? (This, Bob says, was from The Royal Wedding with Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers)

          The list is much longer, of course. But I have to go put my shoes on and buy some chicken.

Speaking of buying, check out the amazingly low price of my books!

Is it Possible to Underhear?

          We all know what it means to overhear. Well, I would like to underhear. And what I’d like to underhear are the songs St. Bob sings at full volume, whenever they pop into his head.

          Mind you, these are not legendary hits everyone loves. These are obscure songs from a zillion years ago, most of which nobody knows. The latest offerings have included Mississippi Mud, Put Your Shoes on Lucy (Don’t You Know You’re in the City), The Race is On, Way Out on the Windswept Desert (complete with yodeling), Kalijah, Buttermilk Sky, and Short Fat Fanny.

          One of my friends has a husband who does the same thing. These guys have matched up on the above tunes and more: May the Bird of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose, You Can't Roller Skate in a Buffalo Herd, and She Got the Goldmine, I Got the Shaft.

          Bob could be the all-time world champion on Name That Tune, except it isn’t airing anymore, and he’s a game show guy, so thus ineligible. He can hear one note of intro to some song, and not only tell you the title, but who recorded it and in what year. He also knows every word, and can imitate the drummer doing a solo halfway through.

          How is there enough time on earth to learn the ins and outs of every song ever recorded?  Maybe he has a photographic memory, but for sound. What would that be called?  How about annoy-ographic memory?

          I will, concede, however, that he has a lovely bass voice and all the guys in the church choir try to sit by him so they can follow his lead. Either that, or he’s teaching them Short Fat Fanny.

          He’s also my cameraman when I record a Youtube Mom video. Check ‘em out for life hacks, tips, and motherly advice!

Sing What?

All my life I’ve been fascinated by lyrics.  And you know I wrote 18 lyrics for my new musical, The Best Medicine, right? It’s a wonderful comedy with incredible music by Jerry Williams, and we’re hoping to launch it soon.

          I like clever lyrics that surprise you, that show some effort by the songwriter to get it right.  I’m always disappointed when someone lands a hit song with ridiculously lazy lyrics.  And we’ve all heard them.  You can search “worst lyrics” on your computer and find dozens of examples. Here are few eye-rollers:

          Madonna: I don't like cities, but I like New York. Other places make me feel like a dork.

Pink Floyd: I know a mouse and he hasn’t got a house.

Neal Diamond: I am, I said to no one there, and no one heard at all, not even the chair.

The Killers:  I'm down on my knees, searching for the answer… Are we human or are we dancer?

Feeder:  Get a house in Devon, drink cider from a lemon.

Bob Dylan: Give me some milk - or else go home.

          On the other hand, a lot of lyrics get mangled by the listeners.  Is this the fault of poor enunciation on the part of the singers, bad reception on your car radio, or our tendency to hear what we want to hear?

          Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer” was heard as “Tony Danza” by many.

          Maybe we’re just in the mood for humor.  Lots of folks heard “The sheep don’t like it, rockin’ the cat box” when The Clash actually sang, “Shareef don’t like it, rock the Casbah.”

          And when Toto sang, “I bless the rains down in Africa,” some heard it as, “I left my brains down in Africa.” 

          TLC’s “Don’t go chasing waterfalls” became “Don’t go, Jason Waterfalls” to many, and Macy Gray’s “My world crumbles when you are not near” was heard as “I blow bubbles when you’re not here.”

          Years ago Jimi Hendrix sang, “Excuse me while I kiss the sky,” and people would sing along with, “Excuse me while I kiss this guy.” Nirvana’s “Here we are now, entertain us” became “Here we are now, in containers.”

          Apparently we will believe the craziest lyrics are actually real, because people thought Eddie Money’s “I’ve got two tickets to paradise” was “I’ve got two chickens to paralyze,” 

and the Beatle’s “The girl with kaleidoscope eyes” was heard as “The girl with colitis goes by.”

          Imagine people singing along with their car radios when Bob Dylan sang, “The answer my friends is blowing in the wind,” except the listeners were singing, “The ants are my friends, they’re blowing in the wind.”

          But my favorite was discovered by one of our sons when he was about eight years old.  Someone was singing Credence Clearwater Revival’s “There’s a bad moon on the rise,” and he said, “Hey!  I always thought that said, ‘There a bathroom on the right.’” 

          And, actually, that’s probably better information to have.

Have you seen my newly revised website? Check it out, and take a minute to watch the music video at the top of the home page.