It's Fun to be Crabby

           I have often said, that at my funeral nobody is going to say, “You know, she never complained.”

          But this isn’t about that kind of crabbing. It’s about my going off on a trip with some girlfriends 

and St. Bob immediately driving to San Francisco, to Hayes Street Grill.  And what was the urgency for this solo excursion?

          Soft Shell Crab, my friends. This man is crazy for it, and will drive hours and hours to get this delicacy. It’s hard to find (they’re from Maryland), so when he does, he pounces. The day he arrived, the restaurant was closed. So, he did what any sensible man would do—he came home, right?

Wrong. He booked a hotel room and reserved crabs for the following day (and they sold out while he was eating two of them).

          These crabs are lightly fried, and you eat the whole thing, shell and all. I plan never to do this. But Bob is a Foodie of extraordinary determination.

I had a great time with my pals, including the final day when we stopped at a casual restaurant with tables alongside a harbor. Suddenly I saw this sign:

Next time he decides to take off on a wild crab chase, I can save him some valuable time: Just ask moi.

10K subscribers enjoy my Youtube Mom videos—you can join their ranks and learn all kinds of easy life hacks right here!

True or False?

           I honestly think that when we die and get to the other side, we’ll find that half the things we believed were completely untrue. History-- and social culture-- are loaded with these.  As humans, we gobble up “information” without questioning it. So today I shall dispel a few myths:

You cannot see the Great Wall of China from space. Sorry. If you were going to sign up as an astronaut in order to do this, maybe consider being a travel agent.

And speaking of space, black holes are not holes. They are solid objects with strong gravitational pull.

Sugar doesn’t make kids hyperactive. That’s just how kids are.

Did you grow up hearing that painters who work on the Golden Gate Bridge start at one end, and when they reach the other end, they have to begin again at the other side? This is totally false.      

Ben Franklin never proposed the turkey to represent America (He actually suggested Moses).

Cleopatra was not, in fact, Egyptian, but Greek.

Your tongue does not have various sections for tasting sweet, sour, salty, and so on. All of it tastes all of it.

The left and right brain are not completely separate. You can train each half to do things the other half does.

Bats are not blind. Yes, they use echolocation, but they can also see.

          Isn’t it amazing how much “information” we swallow? If only we had a fact-checker in our brains, who could buzz when we’re hearing something untrue.  But then society would sound like a hive of bees.  (Oh—and only 5% of bees make honey.)

But here's a true fact: You'll love my Youtube Mom channel, filled with great life hacks. 10K subscribers agree!

Don't Be Fooled...

           I like connecting with others online. I assume you do, too, because you’re reading this. But what we all despise is falling victim to clickbait. What is that, anyway? Clickbait is an enticing, dramatic headline that hooks you, but leads to somebody stealing your data or making money off your curiosity.

          You click to see what a celebrity did, how someone cured their disease overnight, what can sabotage a great relationship, the five things that will sell your house instantly, the cheapest yet fabulous vacation, the secret your grocery store won’t tell you, how to lose 20 pounds in five days, what’s in and what’s out, and so on.

          We don’t want to be left out, unaware of the next big thing. The problem is that companies use this to keep you on their site, maybe get you to click for more information, and finally to purchase what they’re selling. If they can be like the Pied Piper and keep you long enough, they can sell ads you’ll see as you scroll along.

          There’s an ancient form of this, you know. It’s called Gossip. Today it sounds like, “Guess what I heard…”  And most people perk up and listen, waiting for a juicy tidbit to shock us.

          So here are four ways to avoid being scammed:

          Before you click, hover over the link to see its real source.

          Watch for unprofessional details—poor spelling, weird grammar, etc.

          Adjust your permission settings.

          Notice bottom line teasers, such as “then she opened the box and couldn’t believe what was inside,” or which make outrageous claims, such as “this vegetable could be killing you,” or ones which urge panic and hurry.

          Instead, check out my Youtube Mom videos. No manufactured drama, not selling you something, and you’ll even learn some helpful life hacks. Join my 10K subscribers and let your curiosity pay YOU!

Cell Mates?

          Pretend it’s 2007, and you are on the team designing the new smart phones which will take over the world, or at least teenagers. Here is your boss, explaining the assignment:

          “We want a hand-held device with a screen on the front, and buttons on the sides, exactly where you need to hold it.  These buttons need to be so sensitive that the simple act of handing your phone to another person will completely change what's on the screen."

          Check.

          “We want it to be nearly impossible to silence the device. Several clicks and maneuvers need to be used.”

          Check.

          “Also, to turn it on you’ll have to press the same button as turning it off (except off will include yet another button), and you’ll have to hold these buttons for a mysterious amount of time. In fact, put another button there, which can accidentally snap a quick photo of your screen. The more buttons on the sides, the better.”

          Check.

          “Not only that, but the phone itself must be very breakable, with a screen that can easily shatter. And no water-proofing—no, no no.”

          Check.

“To utilize the speaker phone, you can start with one button, but over the years make it two, and then three, because people like complication.”

Check.

“Oh—and make sure that accidental dials are so common that they get a cute nickname.”

Check.

“Congratulations! Now when you see someone shaking their cell phone in frustration, you can smile and think to yourself, “I did that.”

One good thing about phones is that you can watch my Youtube Mom videos there. Join 10K others, and be sure to subscribe!

To Bee or Not to Bee

          Well, well, well. Here’s the latest in my attempt to encourage pollinators. Besides planting a zillion flowers

 
          I have hung three bee hotels, which have attracted several kinds of bees. Here they are supposed to rest, sleep, and raise babies.

 (Dark, evil music plays here.)  Narrator: But Joni forgot about Blue Jays.

Yes, indeed. Turns out the hummingbird is not the only one that can hover in place. Blue birds do the same thing in front of bee hotels, where they stick their beaks into the holes and EAT whatever’s in there. Like these are birdfeeders.

           It’s useless to wave them away; they just come back once you’re gone.

If you look them up, you get no indication of the dastardly lives they lead. You learn that they can imitate hawks, that they’re members of the corvid family (more like Corleone), which means they’re almost as smart as Ravens and Crows. This is not necessarily a good thing. That’s why we have the phrase, “Criminal mastermind.”

You’ll read that they form tight family bonds (again, like the Corleones), and they travel together in flocks called bands. As in Band of Robbers. I’m surprised it’s not called a gang.

            They’re even wearing a disguise!  That blue you see?  Totally fake. It’s actually brown, but the feathers scatter light to make them look blue. I am not making this up.

I thought about taking down the bee hotels. But then I realized I can put them behind chicken wire to keep the Blue Jays out.  Nanner,  nanner, Nature.

I have hundreds of other life hacks you’ll enjoy right here, on my Youtube Mom channel.  

Now Hair This!

           They say (the great They) that “life is a series of challenges and disasters, but eventually you find a hairdresser you like.” Why is it so hard to simply find a good stylist, right?

          But I finally found one—a hairdresser that listens to me, and gives me what I want, without an argument.

          Sounds so simple, right? But I’ve had hairdressers speak to me as if I’m a child (That’s not how toner works. Let me explain how toner works…),

           and as if I’m an old woman (you know, as we age, we need to embrace more neutral colors…)

          I even took my cancer wigs (!!) to one hairdresser, to show her the highlights I’m talking about. Even that didn't work.

          At last, after a string of disasters, I finally found a stylist (on April Fool's Day, of all things!) who gave me the right color, the right low-lights and the right high-lights.

            So here it is, like it or hate it, I'm sticking with it.

                 You can uncover secret life hacks by subscribing to my Youtube Mom channel right here!

Feeling Sheepish?

           We all know moths lay eggs on your wool clothing, and then their larvae hatch and eat holes in your clothes, right? 

So… enquiring mind here… why aren’t there clouds of moths over every herd of sheep?  I mean, that’s where there’s a surplus of wool, right?

          I know you’ve been wondering the same thing, so I researched it for you, and here’s the skinny: A moth can be carrying 200 eggs, but she’ll only leave them in motionless places. Sheep, though slow, are on the move. 

Turns out moth larvae (who also eat silk, cotton, angora, and other fibers which contain keratin) like their dinners undisturbed.

          So, in addition to keeping your wool sweaters scrupulously clean, you should wear them often. I don’t know about you, but this makes me picture people wearing layers of sweaters, just to prevent egg-hatching.

Or, since larvae like wool clothes that are kept in drawers and closets where it’s dark and still, should we display our wool items near a sunny window, and riffle through them a few times a day?? 

My final advice is simply to store your sweaters in the freezer, which will kill any sneaky eggs. Now, if you still want to know more fascinating facts about sheep, I wrote a blog about them here.

And another blog about actually SHEARING one, here.

I also show you how to fold and store your sweaters here, in one of my short Youtube Mom life hack videos. So many places to click!

The Mighty Jungle

           You’ve heard the song, The Lion Sleeps Tonight, with a chorus that sounds like “A-weem-a-wack, a-weem-a-wack,” right?  (It’s actually wimoweh, in case you’re going on Jeopardy! soon.)

          Well, I think the makers of Neem Oil have missed a grand opportunity to advertise, changing weem to Neem, and reminding folks that it truly does whack pests in the garden.

          You know I’m an avid gardener (we’ve torn out our front lawn and I’m currently replacing it with flowers—more on that later), and I try to encourage pollinators and use nature-friendly pesticides.

So I’ve been spraying super safe Neem oil on aphids for years and finally realized I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT A NEEM IS. I picture a tubby hippo-looking creature from the Amazon.

          But no. It’s made from the seeds of the Azadirachta indica tree (and now you have a new idea for your password). Native to India, some call it the Indian Lilac.

          But get this: It isn’t just for getting rid of pests—it’s also diluted for use in skin and hair products! Even in toothpaste. (Although it can be toxic for kids and babies, so buyer beware). And it has a garlicky scent, so there’s that.

          And now you know what you’ve been spraying, all these years.

There’s much more to know—check out hundreds of life hacks on my short Youtube Mom videos here!

Don’t Get Your Peonies in a Bunch

        

          Ah, yes, Springtime. Since I belong to an online gardening group, there is much ado about Peonies right now.

          They’re the favorite of millions, the subject of countless paintings, and usually cost a bit more than roses at the florist shop. So, naturally, one member was wondering how long they live.

          I thought I’d help by dictating “How long do peonies live?” into my phone.

          But auto-correct was waiting for me. It thought I said, “How long do pennies last?” as if I am unaware that copper is basically indestructible. In fact, I’ll bet there aren’t three people in a decade who ask this. 

          My friends, you can keep pennies forever. They’ve recently been fired from our currency, but no one is coming by to gather them up. In fact, I wrote a blog about this eleven years ago, predicting their uselessness.

          So I tried again, and asked how long your peonies will last.  Ah, this time autocorrect thought I asked how long PANTIES will last, as if I have no idea that you should purchase several pair, and wash them after each use. Am I now on some kind of FBI hygiene list because of that question?

 

           Well, third time’s a charm (and I swear I am not mis-pronouncing peonies, by the way), and I finally got the answer we’ve all been waiting for: They can live up to 100 years. Now, wasn’t that a surprise worth waiting for?

My Youtube Mom channel is filled with wonderful info, as well. Check out my life hacks right here.

Go Ahead, Look Like a Tourist!

           What’s with all these videos we’re seeing on social media, telling us how  NOT to look like a tourist in France, Italy, and beyond?  It’s as if nothing could be more horrifying than to reveal that you’re from somewhere else.

          I’ve even seen suggestions that we try to look like the French, which, when I was there in November, looked like this:

Seriously, if you can afford to travel overseas, you should be welcomed and celebrated—you’re building their economy! It’s prestigious to be a tourist, not shameful. You don’t have to be in disguise. Besides, what if you actually do fool them, and they think you are from there? Maybe they even ask which city. Then you have to confide that you’re been perpetrating a fraud the whole time.

Yes, it’s always wonderful to learn and use as much of the local language as possible. It makes travel more fun. But it’s not because we’re ashamed of where we live. And it’s great to be as courteous and well-mannered as possible, which also makes travel, and living in general, more fun. Making new friends is half the thrill of traveling.

I know that when I detect an English—or other-- accent when I’m out and about, I always stop to see if they’re visiting, and welcome them heartily, recommending things for them to see and do.

Imagine posting a snobby list of things to make you seem more American, for folks in Europe. Insulting, right? So be yourselves, my friends. Be proud of who you are!

And don’t miss my many travel tips on my Youtube Mom channel!

Sock it to Me?

           I’ll admit it; I like cute socks. And goodness knows, there are plenty out there.

          But here’s my gripe: Too many of them have the cute part where you can never see it!

          Here’s one of my favorite pair:

 

        And here's another. It says, "I'm silently correcting your grammar."

          But unless you wear it with shorts, which I would never do, no one will get to read it. (And they might be silently correcting my fashion choice.) When I wear shorts it’s usually during warm weather, so I wear sandals.

          And the rest of the time, I wear long pants. Thus all the clever “tops” are covered.

          If it’s Christmas and cold, you can pretty much guarantee they’ll be hidden under long pants, if not boots, to boot.

          So you’ll just have to assume that if you see me wearing socks, there is something pretty brilliant written on the top part.

 Have you subscribed to my Youtube Mom channel, yet? Hundreds of quick, easy life hacks. What are you waiting for?  

Step This Way

           You can’t believe what I’ve joined. It’s a family step challenge. On my cell phone. Now, mind you, our grown kids are fitness fanatics (they did not get this from me) and St. Bob actually enjoys working out.

          But I’m always running around, you know—speaking the language of running errands—so I figured I’d keep up just fine. Nope. Within a day or two these fanatics are posting 11,000 steps, 9,000 steps, 7500 steps, and I am posting 349.

          I am not accustomed to losing by this much, which is why I have always avoided this very sort of competition. So, as one does, I immediately looked for an explanation, and here’s what I’ve concluded:

          These wackos have all started teaching salsa dance classes.

          Or, they are tying their cell phones to the pendulum of a clock, or to a squirrel.

          Or, some enterprising person who spins advertising signs on the corner has one that says, “Will spin your phone for $10,” and has a dozen phones duct-taped to his sign. My children are his best customers.

         Or, my kids are driving all about, but they have terrible shock absorbers, so their phones are bouncing along, accruing “points.”

          My phone, meanwhile, remains in my purse, unaware that I am walking through Sam’s Club-- a true warehouse-- going up and down the stairs with laundry, or walking laps in the kitchen as I cook.

          So I have a new challenge idea. How about we compare scores on Wordle?  I have 15,722.  Anyone? Anyone?

          AND I walk around in my Youtube Mom videos sometimes, so I can bring you short, fabulous life hacks right here.

Well, the Nerve!

          Have you ever slapped yourself silly? (Or, in my case, maybe I was silly to begin with). Here’s the deal:

          I had skin cancer removed from my nose, then laser to reduce the redness. After all, I’m enough of a bozo already—I don’t need to look like him.

          But here’s where the plot thickens: As your nerve endings heal, they tingle. Not a lot, just enough to feel as if there’s some lint, or a hair on your face. Or, in this case, on your nose.

         So everywhere I go, I feel as if I need to brush something from the top and tip of my nose. So I’m brushing and slapping away, but it remains. And then I realize: Oh. It’s not a hair. It’s nerve endings re-awakening.

          So if you see a women socking herself in the face, it’s probably me.

          Have you subscribed to my Youtube Mom videos, yet? I just need a dozen more to hit the 10K mark!  Take pity on my rosy-nosed self and help me pleeease?

The Last WHAT?

           Our son, Brandon, from Los Angeles recently flew in around midnight, so his brother picked him up. We were in bed as he went into the kitchen and saw the 20 or so little figures of Jesus I was planning to give my Seminary students. They’re about an inch tall:

          Nearby I also had a weird little toy frog that I found in the back yard (tossed by a neighbor kid? Dropped by a hawk?) Well, you can’t let a pile of fun props go unnoticed, any more than you can not put googly eyes on your bananas.  So, even if though it was after midnight, Brandon created a wrestling match:

             The following night he created Leonardo Da Vinci’s Last Supper, complete with table, table legs, plates, and food all made of paper:

                And I don’t have to tell you which one is Judas.

             This guy has been making art from odd materials ever since he was in kindergarten, when the wax coverings of Babybel cheese became dragons, knights, giraffes and monkeys. What can I say? I love the way his brain works.

          Be sure to watch short life hacks on my Youtube Mom videos, right here.