JUST RIP IT OUT!

           Bold words, my friend. But I’m telling you, you can do this. Just rip out that useless lawn once and for all (No more mowing! No more guzzling all that water!) and replace it with flowers.

          Nobody picnics on their front lawn. Nobody just sits there, enjoying the greenery.  Nobody plays games on it. All this stuff happens in the back yard, or in a park. 

          It’s as if we’ve agreed to be sheep, and just follow the crowed without thinking. Everyone else has grass out front—we must have a lawn, too.

So, I did it. I hired some strong guys to take out the lawn.

          Then I covered the dirt with cardboard, then new soil, and then planted a design of new stuff.  A little purple here, a little yellow there, all perennials so I won’t have to replace them.

          I love berms, so I made a few mounds for variety. Granted, until they were covered with flowers, it looked like we’d lost one dog and two cats, and chose to bury them in front of the house.

          I put in a rock footpath so I can access each area if I want to trim or make a bouquet. We strung a drip system so everything gets watered. I added low-growing groundcovers which, when they’ve filled in enough, will hide all the empty spots.

          And… ta-da!  This lifts my heart. Every time I go outside, I smile. I see all the bees and butterflies having a ball, and I finally have the English (or French, whatever) cottage look I’ve wanted.

          Anybody want a mower?

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Am I a Lunatic Magnet?

           Seriously, I seem to have more crazy people in my life than anyone I know. Here’s my latest encounter.

          I am driving along and I see what looks like the most gorgeous lawn I’ve ever seen. As a gardening nut, I have to stop and tell the owner this. (See? Most of my encounters begin with absolutely kind intentions).

          No owner at home. So a week later I happen to be in the same area again, and this time the owner is in his driveway. I stop and he is as friendly as can be. He tells me it’s an artificial turf lawn. No way!  Yes way!  It’s the most realistic one I’ve ever seen.

          We chat about world events and the guy seems like a genius. Then he tells me he bought his house with bitcoin earnings. (I make a plan to go home and invest in bitcoins). Then he points out some boulders at the front of his property and wonders what they’re made of.

          Aha! I can now tell him that one of our sons is a professional geologist, and I can bring him by to identify them (they look like granite, but what do I know?) and he says great.

          I do this. I bring St. Bob AND Richie and the three of us pay a visit to this nice gentleman. Richie crouches down to examine the stones and explains the rock composition (yep, granite) and then the guy says, “Sometimes they oscillate.”  Uh-oh.  Richie doesn’t even look up, and just kindly says, “Well, we’ve had some earthquakes.” Not true, but it helps the guy save face.

          Just before leaving I notice little red blood spots seeping through the guy’s shirt, as if he’s been poking himself with a nail or something. Oh, dear.

          We get in the car and I say, “Honestly—he seemed really smart and all I wanted to do was tell him how nice his lawn looked.”

          “Which is exactly how half the Dateline episodes begin,” Richie says.

          And then we remember the cab driver in Italy, and a few other examples of people I have befriended who then turned out to be, let’s say, off their medication.

          But you’ve gotta admit, oscillating rocks would be pretty cool.   

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Beware of the Blob!

           I feel like I’m in a Sci-Fi movie and the Slime Monster is attacking. Either that, or somebody seriously does not like scrambled eggs.  Here is what I found on my lawn today:

          And in a flower garden:

              What kind of crazy, creepy thing is attacking my yard?  And what other crazy thing do I have to do to get rid of it?  Is it poisonous? Deadly? Radioactive?  Something I can write about on a blog?

Aha. Answers to questions 1 to 3 are “No.” Answer to question 4 is “Yes.”

Turns it’s called Slime Mold and it’s not dangerous to people or animals. Whew! But it’s super ugly and also has the nickname, Dog Vomit Fungus, which is disgusting, so thanks for that.

So what on earth is it? It’s a single-celled primitive organism that spreads through spores. It’s not a fungus or a disease.  It can show up on lawns especially during damp or humid conditions. Hello??? I live in low-humidity California and we’ve had a heat wave that has dried everything out!

Okay, it’s not poisonous, but it’s in the wrong state and I want to get rid of it.  Luckily you can rake it away or wash it off with water. And now you know what to do if you’re ever attacked by the Slime Mold Monster.

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