Cell Mates?

          Pretend it’s 2007, and you are on the team designing the new smart phones which will take over the world, or at least teenagers. Here is your boss, explaining the assignment:

          “We want a hand-held device with a screen on the front, and buttons on the sides, exactly where you need to hold it.  These buttons need to be so sensitive that the simple act of handing your phone to another person will completely change what's on the screen."

          Check.

          “We want it to be nearly impossible to silence the device. Several clicks and maneuvers need to be used.”

          Check.

          “Also, to turn it on you’ll have to press the same button as turning it off (except off will include yet another button), and you’ll have to hold these buttons for a mysterious amount of time. In fact, put another button there, which can accidentally snap a quick photo of your screen. The more buttons on the sides, the better.”

          Check.

          “Not only that, but the phone itself must be very breakable, with a screen that can easily shatter. And no water-proofing—no, no no.”

          Check.

“To utilize the speaker phone, you can start with one button, but over the years make it two, and then three, because people like complication.”

Check.

“Oh—and make sure that accidental dials are so common that they get a cute nickname.”

Check.

“Congratulations! Now when you see someone shaking their cell phone in frustration, you can smile and think to yourself, “I did that.”

One good thing about phones is that you can watch my Youtube Mom videos there. Join 10K others, and be sure to subscribe!

To Bee or Not to Bee

          Well, well, well. Here’s the latest in my attempt to encourage pollinators. Besides planting a zillion flowers

 
          I have hung three bee hotels, which have attracted several kinds of bees. Here they are supposed to rest, sleep, and raise babies.

 (Dark, evil music plays here.)  Narrator: But Joni forgot about Blue Jays.

Yes, indeed. Turns out the hummingbird is not the only one that can hover in place. Blue birds do the same thing in front of bee hotels, where they stick their beaks into the holes and EAT whatever’s in there. Like these are birdfeeders.

           It’s useless to wave them away; they just come back once you’re gone.

If you look them up, you get no indication of the dastardly lives they lead. You learn that they can imitate hawks, that they’re members of the corvid family (more like Corleone), which means they’re almost as smart as Ravens and Crows. This is not necessarily a good thing. That’s why we have the phrase, “Criminal mastermind.”

You’ll read that they form tight family bonds (again, like the Corleones), and they travel together in flocks called bands. As in Band of Robbers. I’m surprised it’s not called a gang.

            They’re even wearing a disguise!  That blue you see?  Totally fake. It’s actually brown, but the feathers scatter light to make them look blue. I am not making this up.

I thought about taking down the bee hotels. But then I realized I can put them behind chicken wire to keep the Blue Jays out.  Nanner,  nanner, Nature.

I have hundreds of other life hacks you’ll enjoy right here, on my Youtube Mom channel.  

Now Hair This!

           They say (the great They) that “life is a series of challenges and disasters, but eventually you find a hairdresser you like.” Why is it so hard to simply find a good stylist, right?

          But I finally found one—a hairdresser that listens to me, and gives me what I want, without an argument.

          Sounds so simple, right? But I’ve had hairdressers speak to me as if I’m a child (That’s not how toner works. Let me explain how toner works…),

           and as if I’m an old woman (you know, as we age, we need to embrace more neutral colors…)

          I even took my cancer wigs (!!) to one hairdresser, to show her the highlights I’m talking about. Even that didn't work.

          At last, after a string of disasters, I finally found a stylist (on April Fool's Day, of all things!) who gave me the right color, the right low-lights and the right high-lights.

            So here it is, like it or hate it, I'm sticking with it.

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