Snake it Up, Baby!

           Well, here’s some cheery news for you: We are selectively breeding rattlesnakes that don’t rattle.

Yessiree. Why would someone do this? Aha. Someone wouldn’t. But it’s happening because we kill the ones that rattle. That increases the ratio of non-rattling ones, and voila! You get sneakier snakes.

You may recall that I wrote about rattlesnakes in a hilarious blog five years ago. Yes, snakes can be hilarious.

 But they have clearly forgotten that we signed an agreement with them: They would rattle, and we would scream like a little girl and run away. We had a deal.

          The rattlesnakes on Catalina Island have evolved not to rattle at all. Scientists think it’s because they don’t want to warn their prey (which is rather smart, if you think about it). In other areas, some have withered tails, thus they don't rattle, either.

          So now, when you’re hiking or farming or just living your life, you must look for the triangular head, made so by big venom glands. That’s if you can see it against the camouflage they live in.

          In all, it’s discouraging news. But, one little beam of hope is this: Rattlers don’t like to strike if they can avoid it, because they need their venom to kill prey and survive.  That means about a third of all their bites are dry. See? I told you I had cheery news.

And I have hundreds of life hacks on my YoutubeMom channel. Check it out!

 

Keep on Truckin'

           What is going on where I live?  I’ll tell you what. People are transporting CRAZY things. Think I’m exaggerating? Check out this truck, which even brags that it contains venomous snakes. 

          Now, on the one hand, I guess somebody has to rescue you when you’re cornered by a rattlesnake. On the other hand, what if someone leaves the window cracked and they get out and swarm all over the neighborhood? On the other hand, this is a great way to ensure that nobody will ever steal your vehicle.

          And then this one says CRYOGENIC, which we all know means there are dead bodies in there, frozen and waiting to be unfrozen. 

Some folks will tell you this is incorrect, that these vehicles contain liquid nitrogen and cryogenic gases.  SO THEY SAY.  But we’ve all seen the movies. And I can just picture dead bodies stacked up inside there.  What if that truck gets in a wreck, the back bursts open, and corpses come toppling out onto the hood of your car? 

OR… this is just someone’s brilliant idea of a way to keep us quarantined in our homes.  I must say, it’s working.

And while you’re inside, check out my Youtube Mom videos. There are hundreds of short life hacks to occupy you while you avoid rattlesnakes and zombies.

Keeping Our Distance

          Not long ago I gave you the brilliant idea for social distancing—wear stinky cream or eat an onion to keep people at bay. But when people wear masks they can’t smell things as well, so I have now come up with an even better idea:

          Carry a tote bag of snakes. Okay, not real snakes. But imagined snakes are every bit as scary. Simply go to your nearest reptile shop and get a bag printed with their name on it. Our daughter left this one behind after a recent visit:

          But I also found this one online:

          You can carry it exactly like it is, but if you really want to keep people ten feet away, insert a small wind-up toy that jiggles:

          If it hisses or rattles, even better.  No one will approach and you will stay far from other people’s cooties. Just one more service I offer. You’re welcome.

Maybe this should be one of the life hacks on my Youtube Mom videos!

Signs of the Times

          I’m walking through the hospital hallways to get a CT-Scan, and I see a door bearing this sign:

          I can’t help wondering how an alarm can be silent.  Does that not negate its very ability to sound an alarm?  Or does a mime burst into your office trying to look like the Silent Scream painting?

          What is it with facilities and their signs? You may remember one of my blogs from four years ago that featured this goody, again from my hospital:

          Seriously? We’re to respect rattlesnakes at a HOSPITAL? Why not just be honest, and post a donation box with a sign that says, “Saving up for an exterminator. Please contribute here”?

          And you may recall another of my blogs that featured this puzzling sign in a local office building:

          I can only assume it’s a lab we do not wish to know about,  where the animals have taken over, tied up the scientists, and are now roasting marshmallows over a fire made from lab coats and paperwork.

          I can’t help wondering what the office parties are like at sign factories. I’m guessing they have a contest to decide the craziest projects they’ve worked on. But you probably wouldn’t want to open that door, either.

Speaking of doors, St. Bob used to host Let’s Make a Deal, and would offer Doors Number 1, 2,  or 3 to contestants. But even the zonks were better than what I imagine hides behind some real doors.

Hazards of the Job

          Richie announces that he needs to buy Snake Chaps.  For the uninitiated, I will tell you this is not a product for scaly lips.  No, it’s a product for a far worse problem.  And the problem is that you don’t have the good sense to stay away from rattle snake-infested areas.

          Let me just ask you, my dear readers, do you own a pair of snake chaps?  No?  Didn’t even know it was a thing? See? You’re smart.  You’re sitting indoors at a computer where the most you can get is eye strain.  Not a poisonous bite that sends you dashing to the emergency room.

          But Richie needs these for his work as a geologist, strolling into overgrown fields and meadows.  Okay, he would disagree that he is strolling.  Maybe “striding in manly confidence.”  Whatever.  He’s still kicking through snake turf and snakes don’t generally applaud that.  If they had hands and could applaud.  So they do the opposite of that, and attack.

          And I, as his mother, am supposed to shrug this off and take it all in that same manly stride.  “Are you kidding?” I ask.  “This is like having to buy a bullet-proof vest.  If you have to do that, you need to get out of places where one would be necessary."

          “What if I were a cop?”

          “That’s different.  They know they’re taking risks to save humanity. You went into science which led me, as a mother, to think you were safe.  Not only that, but this is Springtime when everyone has babies and baby rattlesnakes are more dangerous than grown ones.”

          This is widely known out here in the West, since babies don’t know how to gauge the amount of venom they inject, and give you all of it. Dopes.

          Richie decides to change the subject.  “You’ve seen geese flying in a V-shape?”

          I nod.  “Yes.”

          “You ever notice how one side is usually longer?”

          I nod.

          “Guess why that is.”

          I shake my head.  “Why?”

          “There are more geese on that side,” he says.

          And now I glare at him and he bursts into such gales—no, fits—of laughter that his face turns red and he clasps his chest.

          “That was not funny,” I say.

          Now he has to lean on the kitchen counter to steady himself and mutters something about his perfect delivery and I am thinking, What’s really needed here are Richie chaps.

          But I promise you need no special gear if you buy my books, here, and sit in the comfy safety of your home to read them.