I recently had the pleasure of visiting the Emergency Room. Ah, yes, everyone’s favorite hangout. Only I was not there because of illness or accident. I was there because of klutzy pill-taking.
Yes, I had to report the embarrassing truth, that I had INHALED a vitamin pill, instead of swallowing it. Mind you, this is not the sort of stuck pill that can be solved by swallowing a pinch of bread. It wasn’t stuck in my esophagus, but my trachea—the little airway tube that leads to your lungs.
Well, of course it was late at night and no actual lung doctors were hanging out. They were probably all at home, watching E.R. on television.
Nope, the only people there were other patients, all of whom were mighty concerned that I couldn’t stop coughing. A nurse finally told me to wear a mask, because other patients were worried.
“Tell them I’m choking,” I explained. “I’m not contagious.” But this did not ease their fears, so I had to wear a mask and make the situation even worse, because now I couldn’t inhale a breath strong enough to dislodge the pill.
They suggested I be admitted to a room (probably to get me out of the E.R.), where I could cough all night until a lung specialist showed up the next morning to do surgery. They took x-rays to help this imaginary person, hours from seeing me.
I decided I could go home and cough all night much more comfortably, and then—cue the heavenly choir—the pill finally dissolved and came out in tiny bits. The trachea is a lot dryer than the esophagus, so it took hours. But at last I was free. Sore sides, but hey, freedom.
And now I am super careful swallowing pills. No more knocking them back in a bunch. Just one at a time, like handling tiny hand grenades.
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