10 Signs it's Just TOO HOT!

    We are in the triple digits all this week, in Sacramento. Here's how you know it's time to drive up to Tahoe, or West to the beaches:

1-       Your makeup slides down so far that your eyebrows now look like a mustache.

2-      You buy two bottles of water—one to drink, and one to pour over your head.

3-   Your pantyhose ignite from your legs rubbing together.

4-      You need pot holders to open the car door.

5-      You stick to the fabric lawn chairs.

6-      Your hair is so wet, people think you dyed it a darker color.

7-      You spend your lunch hour standing in front of a fan display at a department store.

8-      Your postage stamps melt into one solid glob.

9-      You’re so sweaty that your shoes make squishing sounds when you walk.

10-     You realize no kids will be born nine months from now.

Stay inside and enjoy the life hacks on my Youtube Mom channel.

I Screen, You Screen?

        We finally got one of those wonderful, retractable screen doors! You’ve probably seen them-- they roll up and stow on the side of the door. It lets you keep the patio door open so you can enjoy the nice breeze without flies or mosquitoes getting in. Here's an example of one: 

          EXCEPT… it’s been way too hot to enjoy a breeze, unless you like the temperatures of an inferno.

         BUT EVEN WORSE… you can’t see the screen. At least I can’t. And our dog can’t. So, possibly similar IQs are in sync here.  We tried to leave just the screen closed on three occasions and here’s what happened.

1.       Joni charges right into the screen and nearly busts through, but luckily doesn’t break it.

2.      St. Bob puts a small 3x5 card in the frame so she’ll notice it.

3.       She doesn’t.  She crashes into the screen anyway.

4.       Now Bob puts a full sheet of paper in the frame and finally she sees it.

5.      But this, like a decal, blocks the lovely view, doesn't it? So Joni takes the paper out.

6.       She crashes into the screen again that evening.

Mind you, our dog is doing the same thing.

Fortunately, we’ve had temperatures over 100 lately, so the screen is rolled up, safe once again.

Avoid similar disasters by sitting still at your computer and watching my Youtube Mom life hack videos!

Guess Where it's Not Cold

         I’ve been seeing numerous social media posts about huge snowfalls. 

          Everyone seems to be layering, sniffling, shivering, and turning up the heater.

          Everyone except me.  I am still battling hot flashes, which makes 30 years of them now, thank you. If anyone from the Guinness Book of World Records is reading, you are welcome to come by and document my achievement.         

Masks trigger them. Within 15 minutes of putting one on, I am peeling off my jacket. 

          Last time I went through airport security, the TSA agent said she needed to pat me down. “Okay," I said, "but you’re going to get wet.” I felt like one of those signs at the waterpark whale show, where they warn you not to sit in the front row.

          So yes, if you guessed the one square foot of space wherever I am standing, you guessed correctly. Your prize is knowing you are waaay more comfy than Joni is.  Oh—and that you can enjoy my Youtube Mom videos right here.

Beating the Heat-- Not

           I have discovered that I do not do well in extreme heat.  Thanks to the 100+ temperatures we’ve had, for MORE THAN A WEEK WITH MORE TO COME, my already meager supply of patience has completely evaporated.

          Running errands with St. Bob, who truly earns his sainthood in this weather, I was whining about the face mask elastic that snapped me in the cheek, the seat belt that wouldn’t uncoil, the sunscreen that has melted down onto  my chest, the wind that feels like someone is holding a blow dryer--  on high and  on hot— right at my face, and a few other choice complaints.

Finally he said, “I need to take you home, strip you naked, and--” We all know how this sentence is supposed to end, right?  Only mine ends, “And put you in a tub of ice water.”

This is like the time he said, “If I hadn’t married you…” which was supposed to end, “I’d be the most miserable man on earth,” but which actually ended, “You’d be one of those women with forty cats.”

So yes. I’m having a bowl of ice cream.  Shut up.

Okay, once a year or so I’m in a testy mood. But you, wherever you are, can cheer me up by visiting my web site and buying my books!

Truly a Fan

          You know how, sometimes, when you give a gag gift it turns out to be the favorite thing?  This happened recently for St. Bob’s birthday.  Thanks to side effects from his cancer treatments and mine, we both have hot flashes.  So I heard about a little $3 item and thought it would be hilarious to give him this:

          It’s a tiny fan that plugs into your iphone.  It has rubbery blades, so it can’t hurt you.  It also plugs into your ipad:  

          Needless to say, I didn’t try it out before buying it, but once we plugged it in, wowza!  It whipped up a serious breeze.  Suddenly we are fighting over this (I need to get one for myself) and holding it up to our faces like it’s a slice of heaven. Which it kind of is. 

          Actually, since we’ve had 100 + temperatures for a few weeks here, we aren’t even sure if we’re having hot flashes or if it’s just the weather.  Either way, it’s kind of nice to know there’s a husband out there who relates to what we women go through.  And nice to know he’s mine.

          Stay in where it’s cool and read one of my books!  Check ‘em out here.