Beat This Heat

           This is the hottest California summer any of us can recall. So I’m going to take you on a virtual visit to the coldest spot on the map, where I lived for three years: Iowa. When you finish reading, I hope you’ll feel at least ten degrees cooler.

          Now, you may think Antarctica is the coldest, but the average temperature there is only -36 F.  In Iowa, it would hit -40, but really -70 with the wind chill. I kid you not. And remember, this is 102 degrees BELOW FREEZING, which is 32.

         Apparently a jet stream passes over Minnesota, then swoops down over Iowa to dump a fresh load of snow and ice before rising again and heading out over Illinois. 

          You can literally freeze to death as you’re walking along. Seriously, a woman did this coming home from a high school football game. They routinely cancel Winterfest, hockey games, ice skating, basically everything outdoors. TV newscasts show piles of dead livestock, and they tell you how long it’s safe to be outside before flesh freezes.  Why the penguin is not the Iowa state bird escapes me.

          Our dog’s water bowl, inside the house, would freeze solid because icy wind blew through the doggie door. Snow plows would pile up all our freshly shoveled snow into a mountain blocking our driveway, big enough to go sledding on. I began wearing thermals in September and kept wearing them into May.

          So now, when you see temperatures in the 90s—and higher—just sit down, close your eyes, meditate, and repeat this mantra: Iowa, Iowa, Iowa…

Or, you can sit and watch my Youtube Mom videos, full of clever life hacks, including ones about how to cool off!

 

10 Signs it's Just TOO HOT!

    We are in the triple digits all this week, in Sacramento. Here's how you know it's time to drive up to Tahoe, or West to the beaches:

1-       Your makeup slides down so far that your eyebrows now look like a mustache.

2-      You buy two bottles of water—one to drink, and one to pour over your head.

3-   Your pantyhose ignite from your legs rubbing together.

4-      You need pot holders to open the car door.

5-      You stick to the fabric lawn chairs.

6-      Your hair is so wet, people think you dyed it a darker color.

7-      You spend your lunch hour standing in front of a fan display at a department store.

8-      Your postage stamps melt into one solid glob.

9-      You’re so sweaty that your shoes make squishing sounds when you walk.

10-     You realize no kids will be born nine months from now.

Stay inside and enjoy the life hacks on my Youtube Mom channel.

Beating the Heat-- Not

           I have discovered that I do not do well in extreme heat.  Thanks to the 100+ temperatures we’ve had, for MORE THAN A WEEK WITH MORE TO COME, my already meager supply of patience has completely evaporated.

          Running errands with St. Bob, who truly earns his sainthood in this weather, I was whining about the face mask elastic that snapped me in the cheek, the seat belt that wouldn’t uncoil, the sunscreen that has melted down onto  my chest, the wind that feels like someone is holding a blow dryer--  on high and  on hot— right at my face, and a few other choice complaints.

Finally he said, “I need to take you home, strip you naked, and--” We all know how this sentence is supposed to end, right?  Only mine ends, “And put you in a tub of ice water.”

This is like the time he said, “If I hadn’t married you…” which was supposed to end, “I’d be the most miserable man on earth,” but which actually ended, “You’d be one of those women with forty cats.”

So yes. I’m having a bowl of ice cream.  Shut up.

Okay, once a year or so I’m in a testy mood. But you, wherever you are, can cheer me up by visiting my web site and buying my books!

Rockin' it in the Desert

          What are kids for, if not to scare the living daylights out of their mothers?

          And this seems to have no age limit.  Last week I told you about my visit to Las Vegas with eldest son Richie, meeting up with son-who-lives-there Brandon, and Nicole, who came down from Provo, Utah to join us.

          But today you will see why many a mother has gray hair. Brandon decided to show us scenic Red Rock Canyon, just a few miles outside Las Vegas.  He also brought his Great Dane, Odin, along. 

          Did I mention that it was approximately 8,000 degrees outside? And no, you couldn’t fry an egg because any creature capable of laying an egg would be dead of heat suffocation. But there we were, determined to see the iron-rich cliffs and rock formations. (We also did not run into official “spokestortoise” Mojave Max, who was probably buried as deeply as he could possibly dig.)

          And what was the first thing the boys conspired to do?  Climb a cliff IN FLIP FLOPS.  Here they are, surely conspiring (Odin is probably an innocent bystander):

          Before you could say, “Is it hot or is it just me?” they were scuttling up the sandstone, and then waved from the brink of death:

          And, of course, it was only upon leaving that I noticed this sign:

          This is the real reason desert life gives you wrinkles.

          So stay inside, where it’s nice and cool, watch my YouTube Mom channel, and buy my new book, Golden, which makes a wonderful gift, in paperback or on Kindle.

Beat the Heat, Once and For All

                Well, it’s a hundred degrees again. And for all our complaining, does it ever lower the temperature?  News flash: This is Sacramento. You will spend a fortune one of two ways: On air conditioning, or on ice cream because you will spend too much time on the frozen foods aisle.

                Unless, and I say unless the way Paul Popeil says it when hawking the Chop-o-Matic, you try my handy-dandy solution to summertime heat in the state’s capitol.  If you live somewhere else where it gets ridiculously hot, this will work for you as well.

                I have a radical suggestion.  It came to me a few years ago when I slept overnight at the Sacramento Zoo with my daughter’s second grade class (a lot of things will come to you at the zoo, but this happened to be a great idea).  To read my blog about that insane experience, click on http://jonihilton.blogspot.com/search/label/zoo

But back to the zoo.  It was the middle of the night, and a noisier location cannot be imagined.  The flamingoes were squawking at a decibel level you wouldn’t allow in your teenager’s bedroom.  The lions were roaring like freight trains.  It was maddening, and so it launched a crazy idea.

                If the animals at the zoo are mostly nocturnal (which is why they loll around like zombies when you visit in the day), why don’t we try that every summer?  You make it official, like Daylight Savings Time, and you have a big kickoff, say June 15th.  Call it “Nocturne.” All businesses and organizations agree to flip-flop their operating hours until September 15, giving us three months of delightfully cool nighttime temperatures to enjoy as we work, chase around town, and pursue outdoor activities.  Then, when the scorching heat hits in the morning, we go to sleep.  Maybe keep a light fan whirring.  Hey, they have three months of darkness in Scandinavia and they still manage fine.

                Can you even begin to calculate the energy savings if we don’t run air conditioners at full blast for three months?  Imagine getting into your car and being able to touch the steering wheel without blistering your fingers.  You could putter comfortably in the garden with just a flashlight. Your kids could learn the constellations.  Sunscreen would be a greasy thing of the past-- something folks do in other cities, who haven’t caught onto reality yet.

                Nobody would get heat stroke or dehydration, plastic water bottles wouldn’t dominate our landfills, sweat-drenched clothes wouldn’t have to be dry cleaned, and women such as myself, wouldn’t constantly wonder if it’s really hot or if it’s just them.

                We’d all eat better.  No one would say, “It’s just too hot to cook,” and we’d be whipping up hearty stews and comfort foods.

                The crime rate would fall, as burglars would be put out of business-- how can you sneak around in a cloak of blackness, when everyone else is up and can see you?

                Best of all, we’d be happy and energetic.  Irritability and sluggishness would vanish.  Productivity in the workplace would rise.  Classroom temperatures would promote learning.  Patience with pre-schoolers would triple.  Marital romance would skyrocket.  We’d be the smartest city in the USA!

                Or, we can act surprised every summer when the temperatures rise so high you wonder if the propane is safe in your barbecue. I suppose we could continue to live like lizards with sweat glands.

                But I say we finally learn from the zoo animals, and outsmart our climate.

                Or is it just me?