Our Marriage Secret

         Someone recently asked me how St. Bob and I have such a good marriage.  There’s no single answer but I’ll admit we both said, “humor” at the same time.

          And, of course, there’s much more to it than amusement. But laughing does take up a pretty good chunk of the day.

          Sometimes I’m laughing with him, and sometimes, well, at the predicaments he’s in. Last month he texted someone about his cold, and said he’s gravely. 

          “Oh, no—” he said. “They’re going to think I’m gravely ill!”  What he had meant to write was gravelly.  Ah, the difference one L makes.

          “You’re starting rumors,” I said.

          And then, something he’s said for years: “I resemble that remark.”

          “That’s an old joke, Mister,” I told him.

          Then St. Bob, in his usual quick style, said, “I’m an old mister. No joke.”

          Yep, that definitely adds a little zing to the marriage.

Add some zing to your Christmas with a truly heartwarming story: A Little Christmas Prayer. It's the perfect small book to give to everyone on your gift list!

The Truth About Growing Up

            Here’s how it is. When you’re little, you have your own bed, often in your own bedroom. You have your own closet, chest of drawers, and sometimes you have your own bathroom.

            And then you get married and those things are gone. Forever. Suddenly, in the sardonically named “Master Bedroom” you now share a bed and have less space than when you were two years old.

            Unless you live in a mega mansion, you must also share a bathroom, and frequently, a closet. And this is how it will be for the rest of your life. Spitting into sinks together, using the same toilet, and the same tub and shower. Sharing a dresser. Bumping into each other as you try to get dressed.

You graduated to adulthood, but everything that was once yours is now divided in half.  And the whole world buys into this, and shops for these same shared items—mattresses, furniture, showerheads.

I’m still glad I married St. Bob, and I’m aware he has made the same sacrifice of space, but know this: You really can fool all of the people, all of the time.          

            You can also share my books—why not, long as we’re on a roll!

A Sticky Situation

          It has come to my attention that some of you need marital advice. Okay, it’s totally obvious to the entire world that we ALL need marital advice. So hang in with me and I’ll share the latest tidbit I heard.

          St. Bob and I were in a crowd of people recently, and someone said that wallpapering is a great project for a couple to embark upon, to see how division of labor works, who’s patient, who’s a quitter, who angers easily. In short, it’s a great way to learn tons of information about the person you’re dating.

          St. Bob piped right up and said, “Oh, Joni and I did that once. Joni said, ‘I’ve got this,’ and I said, ‘Okay.’”  This was his contribution to the discussion, which he thought was a great example of how it can work but which, in fact, paints me as a control freak.

          First, he is correct; that is exactly how the conversation went. But here’s why. I’ve literally hung more rolls of wallpaper than I can count. In high school I worked for an interior designer who had a paint and wallpaper store (yes, you can churn butter in those shaky paint mixers), and I helped hundreds of customers find the wallpaper they wanted. I knew every page in every book, and soon was hanging paper in my parents’ home, then later in my own home. 

          I’ve even developed my own technique to make it easier (paint the paste on the wall, not on the paper). I’d tell you I can do it with my eyes closed, but that would present a problem when matching seams. However, it’s so familiar to me that I didn’t see the point in causing Bob all kinds of angst (See?  I’m kind!) when I can just do it myself. And why not let him sit down and rest a spell?  Okay, okay, plus I want it done right.

          Someone might say this reveals an inability to be flexible and allow others the chance to try. I don’t listen to that person. Have you priced wallpaper? Are you aware that it’s sold in double rolls? This is not like mixing up cookie dough and it doesn’t turn out. This can spell disaster. Expensive disaster. Like letting someone “help out” if you’re a surgeon. Or a pilot. Or a home builder.        Wallpaper is not forgiving if a couple decides to giggle and start flicking glue at one another. 

ALTHOUGH wallpaper removal is open to all comers. And that’s where I’d allow anybody the chance to shine.

You are welcome to use the pages of my books to wallpaper your home. I recommend buying one of each!

15 Ways You Know You've Been Married a Long Time

          June is the most popular month for weddings, and though this isn’t my anniversary month, maybe it’s yours.  So I’ve compiled a list of 15 ways you can know you’ve been married a long time:

1.       You both forget your anniversary.

2.      You finish each other’s sentences.

3.       You no longer try to correct his stories (you can’t remember them, either).

4.      You can order for him in a restaurant, while he parks the car.

5.       You accept the way he drives, and bring some reading along.

6.      You each buy your own gifts for the other to give you.

7.       You’ve both learned the choreography of how to maneuver in the kitchen together, dodging the opening of the dishwasher and refrigerator.

8.      Instead of asking his opinion, you tell him what it is.

9.      Staying up late means 9 p.m. and really late is 9:30.

10.     Party Animal means cute photos of your pets.

11.     The only way to remove your wedding ring is to cut it off.

12.     Old photos of the two of you look like complete strangers.

13.     Your wedding gifts are now in the antique shop.

14.     You touch up his hair once a month.

15.     One look lets you know he loves you.

Have you visited my website lately?  You can access all my books, my YouTube Mom videos, and even see another photo of St. Bob under the “About Me” tab.  Check it out here!

One Secret to a Happy Marriage

Something they don’t tell you when you get married, is how many places you are each going to be dragged to, by the other one.

          You may have noticed that I specialize in broad generalizations.  But here’s one that applies to most men: You will be dragged to countless wedding receptions, parties, his-and-hers baby showers, fabric stores, and craft faires.  Also jewelry stores, in which my friend, Bob Rogers, says, “Nothing good can ever happen for a man.”

          Women are dragged on motocross runs, to loud monster truck arenas, through the electronics store, to ninja movies, to guns-and-fishing sporting goods shops, and urged to attend numerous sports that don’t appeal to them. 

          And we go.  We go because we don’t want them to find a more agreeable partner, and also simply because we love them and want to support their weird choice without actually calling it a weird choice.

          So a fabulous new home accessory store opened up, and I couldn’t wait to drag, I mean take, St. Bob there with me.  I could almost feel my own eyes twinkling, as I imagined it. The store would be filled with irresistible pillows, rugs, vases, china, glassware, candlesticks, and lamps—all begging to beautify our home.

          Dutiful husband that he is, St. Bob came along.  In no time I found a gorgeous serving bowl.  Then I turned over the price tag.  “A hundred and sixty bucks?” I gasped.  I moved on to some luxuriously soft towels.  “Eighty dollars for a hand towel?”  Next I found a framed mirror that cost more than my first car.  And my second car.  Put together.

          I looked up at Bob and frowned, but persevered until we had walked every aisle and I had gone from eager anticipation to scowling aggravation.  “I hate this,” I said.

          Bob smiled.  “Whose idea was it to come here?” he asked.  “A, Joni or B, Bob?”

          “I also hate multiple choice questions,” I muttered.  This is not entirely true, but true when I know the answer and I don’t like it.

          Finally we made our way back to the car, Bob happy that Joni didn’t find anything to buy, and Joni mad for the same reason plus the fact that Bob seemed so delighted about it.

          I pouted for half a mile until Bob said, “How about some ice cream?” And that’s how to make marriage work.  

Another way is to buy each other books.  May I suggest my latest novel, Golden, in paperback or on Kindle?  And there are dozens (yes, dozens) of others here.        

Showered with Wisdom

          We all know that next month is June, the most popular month for weddings, right?  And that makes May the most popular month for bridal showers. Whether you are giving one or attending one-- or even if you are a man just reading this blog-- I am offering you, completely free of charge, a wonderful goodie to give the bride-to-be. It’s my Top 20 list for any woman planning a successful marriage:

1.      After your husband expresses concern about whether a tall crystal vase might get knocked over on the family coffee table, do not respond with a sentence that begins, “Only a moron…”

2.      Do not ask what he is thinking.  His is not thinking anything and your asking just points this out.

3.      Do not scoff at the importance of watching the play-offs to the play-offs to the division championships to the Super Duper Final Series Winners.

4.      Do not suggest, at any point, even if you are approaching the Canadian border, that he stop and ask for directions.  Take along some knitting and make a sweater.

5.      Do not ask him to tell his funny stories when invited to dinner at someone else’s home, or to make his funny ducky sounds.

6.      Do not volunteer him to help the neighbors with household repairs he has claimed to have done but which you have not personally witnessed being done.

7.      Do no throw away his gigantic, 64 oz. Big Gulp cups that he is saving because he gets a discount when he goes in for a refill.

8.      Never say, “But we already have a set of tools.”

9.      Never say, “Notice anything different about me?”

10.    Never ask, “Does this make me look fat?”

11.    Do not make soy burgers.

12.    Do not refer to his shirts as “tops.”

13.    Do not tell the story about him that his mother told you, about the time he wet the bed at camp.

14.    Do not surprise him by signing up for a different phone service, insurance company, internet provider, or bank, even if the ad sounded irresistible.

15.    If he’s out with a friend somewhere, do not tell callers “He’s with his boyfriend,” even though this person is male and is a friend.

16.    Do not invite him to babysit your sister’s kids with you for the weekend, so he can see what it’s like to be a parent.

17.    Do not point out the remaining nuts and bolts of a kit he has just finished assembling.

18.    Do not try to change him.  It won’t work, it will tick him off, and it will remind him of his mother, not exactly the makings of a romantic mood.

19.    Do not say, “Oh, look, you missed one,” when he is holding a leaf blower and has been cleaning up the yard for thirty minutes.

20.    Do not compare his work to the handyman’s.  Just let it go and be glad he agreed to hire a handyman.

Brilliant stuff like this is in all my books, folks.  This list appeared in “Funeral Potatoes – The Novel.”  And, some of it, possibly, in my actual life.