Showing posts with label bed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bed. Show all posts

Tuesday, April 19, 2022

The Truth About Growing Up

            Here’s how it is. When you’re little, you have your own bed, often in your own bedroom. You have your own closet, chest of drawers, and sometimes you have your own bathroom.


            And then you get married and those things are gone. Forever. Suddenly, in the sardonically named “Master Bedroom” you now share a bed and have less space than when you were two years old.


            Unless you live in a mega mansion, you must also share a bathroom, and frequently, a closet. And this is how it will be for the rest of your life. Spitting into sinks together, using the same toilet, and the same tub and shower. Sharing a dresser. Bumping into each other as you try to get dressed.


You graduated to adulthood, but everything that was once yours is now divided in half.  And the whole world buys into this, and shops for these same shared items—mattresses, furniture, showerheads.

I’m still glad I married St. Bob, and I’m aware he has made the same sacrifice of space, but know this: You really can fool all of the people, all of the time.          

            You can also share my books—why not, long as we’re on a roll!

Tuesday, March 15, 2022

Warm Heart, Cold Nose?

         Lots of people have cold hands, right? I have a more canine situation. My nose gets icy cold. If I go to bed before my nose warms up, it’s so cold I can’t fall asleep.

          Here are my remedies, in case any of you suffer from what is undoubtedly a sign of great character:

1.      Wear a Covid mask. You won’t get much oxygen, but your nose will be warm.

2.     Rub your nose to increase circulation. It probably won’t work and your nose may turn red. Also, now your fingers might get cold.


3.     Hide under the covers until your nose warms up. See the side-effect of remedy #1.


So the other night I was under the covers, complaining with a muffled voice that I couldn’t breathe, when St. Bob suggested what he thought was a perfect solution: A SNORKEL.

And there is no photo here, because NO ONE ELSE WOULD THINK OF ANYTHING SO RIDICULOUS.

Yes, folks, that is the kind of brilliance you can always find in Joniopolis. Just dial 1-800-Imarriedacomedian.

Traces of his personality also show up in several of my characters. You can find all my books right here.