Be Smarter than the Thieves

           I recently read a post about what to do when visiting a large city, and your car is filled with presents. Where can you park so that your gifts won’t get stolen?

          Advice poured in.  Most people said it can’t be done. Sad that we even have to consider this, but I promise I have the solution.

          Some recommended valet parking at a hotel, but then others claimed that even valet service isn’t safe anymore.

          One guy suggested leaving a big dog in the car, but then you risk people reporting you for leaving a pet in the car. (And what if the dog
tears up your packages? Or the burglars steal your dog?)

          My brilliant idea? And you could take this on Shark Tank:  Blankets that look like garbage. Or snakes. Or vomit. Or body bags with dead parts sticking out. Simply transfer sharp photos onto fabric, and your stuff will look untouchable. 

          Hey, if AI can create posts that look completely believable, surely this can be transferred onto fabric or sturdy paper. Simply tuck it around your valuables, and off you go, worry-free.

          You’re welcome.  Scan through my blog for more ingenious solutions. OR… watch my short Youtube Mom videos filled with hundreds of life hacks.

Saving Money, Honey

           This is a time of over-spending, right? Christmas lists grow like Chia Pets, right before our eyes. And that means digging into your budget or becoming serious about coupons and discount codes.

          And then I caught that bug that’s going around—the sore throat and cough that seems to have hit every family. So that meant no more in-store shopping. It’s on-line or nothing now.

          But I managed to get some incredible bargains and had to brag to St. Bob with what squeaks were left of my crackly voice.

          “I just saved $18 because I had a code,” I said.

          And here’s his response: “You mean they would have charged you more if you didn’t have a cold?”

          Yes, this is how we get better in the Hilton house. We simply have to.

          And it’s not too late to get multiple copies of my booklet, A Little Christmas Prayer, on Amazon. Maybe the best Christmas story you can give, whether you have a cold or not.

Heads Up

          Every year there’s a funniest, weirdest, or most treasured Christmas or Hanukah present, right?  This year our son, Brandon, had been telling a client about his TV game show dad, and brought up St. Bob’s Wikipedia page.    

          Suddenly he noticed a live ebay auction going on, for an 8x10 head shot of him. Someone in Pennsylvania had been saving this publicity photo for umpty-ump years and was finally selling it (How could they? They must have died, right? I mean, who could part with this?). So Brandon bought it and gave me this photo that I had never seen before:

          Now, c’mon. This is one heckuva hunky guy, right? Look at that movie stah hair! And check out the vintage clothing. What a dreamboat.

          Brandon also gave his brother, Richie, a phenomenal tower of Selenite, which can be lit up like we did in this photo:

          Richie’s a geologist, so it was perfect. Then Brandon started opening a gift from Richie (they have a tradition of making this difficult with duct tape, staples, and all manner of obstacles), and Richie said, “Okay, this gift might need some explanation.”

          At this point third son, Cassidy, said, “What is it—a severed head?”

Richie and I locked gazes and laughed. “Funny you should say that,” he said. And, sure enough, it was a severed head. Although it was not as large as the one Richie had ordered.

Yep, an alligator head. The perfect gift for someone who has everything else.

Nicole made her famous Norwegian waffles,

the kids went rock climbing and zip lining, 

we made our traditional gingerbread house, 

daughter-in-law Tiffany gave me a hilarious bottle of Tabasco (I am not a big spice person) that she got out of our own fridge, and we played games and laughed our heads off. Maybe that’s where this whole severed head thing started.

You do realize that you can buy my Christmas book any time of year, right? It’s about gratitude, and how it sometimes takes a child to raise a village. Incredibly low price, too!

What You Don’t Need to Get Me for Christmas

          Online shopping has changed the world. And whether you shop online or in brick-and-mortar stores, you’re probably doing more of it this time of year as we look for Christmas and Hannukah presents to give those we love.

And that means catalogs in your mailbox, ads on your screens, and marketing of all kinds urging you to buy, buy, buy.

But some gifts deserve a bye-bye. Here are several gifts you don’t need to give me for Christmas:

First, a Dog DNA test which costs $60-$130.  I cannot fathom feeling blessed by knowing my chihuahua-terrier mix is officially part chihuahua and part terrier.  People who care about those things usually have purebred dogs with pedigree papers.  The rest of us have mutts and the last thing we need to know is that they’re part Australian Shepherd and should be a whole lot smarter than they’re letting on.

And speaking of dogs, I also don’t need a Smart Dog Collar. First of all, that sounds like it’s for smart dogs and that lets Mickey out of the running entirely. But even if you realize this is a collar with GPS tracking, don’t you know where your dog is, already? Are people really leaving the doors open and giving their dogs run of the entire world?

I also don’t need unicorns made of particle board that you can burn in your fireplace, a blanket that looks like a tortilla so you can be a burrito, a gnome disguise for my blender, a skull butter dish, a birdhouse that looks like a football helmet, a shark costume for my cat, hot sauce guaranteed to induce a heart attack, or a sofa cover that looks like a giant Lego.

I know, I know, some of these gifts just cry to be purchased, but this year you can save untold sums of money by not getting me any of the above. Instead—and this will stay nicely inside anyone’s budget—you can buy a boatload of my new books (A Little Christmas Prayer) on Amazon for only $3.49 each! This heartwarming Christmas story about gratitude is perfect for kids or adults of any faith. Aren’t you glad you subscribe to this blog? Now your shopping is done!

AD infinitum

         Well, you made it through the holidays. And now, if you are online -----and I believe you are—you are seeing a zillion ads for the things you bought for Christmas or Hanukah.  Or thought about buying.

          Yes, you are being tracked every minute you have a screen before your face. If you so much as Google Wind in the Willows you will be bombarded with ads for toad clothing, toad houses, toad recordings, and toad viewing vacations.

          This also wrecks any surprises you may have planned. By typing in men’s neckties or slippers or sporting goods or games or jackets, you have alerted the world that you now want to see at least 80 ads for these items, and they will pop up when the gift recipient is standing behind you or perhaps on the family computer himself. “Why are there so many ads for concert tickets?” he will ask. 

          If you are in a book club and look into buying The Sun Also Rises from Amazon, you will soon see ads for every book under the sun about the sun.

          It’s like having a nosy neighbor who leans over the fence and says, “So I hear Joni’s getting you a cookbook. Are you taking up cooking? What do you like to cook? My sister is a cook. I thought about being a cook. It was for a Chicago-style pizza place. I have some albums by Chicago. You like music? I know some musicians. Or maybe it’s magicians. You like magic tricks? Speaking of tricks, we had a lot of trick-or-treaters this year.”

          Just to cover my bases, I have VERY nice neighbors who would never do this. But then none of them are in the computer ad business.

          I should run ads for my books!  All you get is a little blurb at the end of my blog, when I could be bombarding the world with graphics and videos!  I am missing the boat (and please do not start sending me boat ads).