Midnight Shopping

           When you're asleep, have you ever had a shopping dream? Usually I find gorgeous clothing, shoes, perfume, jewelry, and I take them all home.

          And then, whammo—I wake up. And I sit there in my PJs and pout. I spent what—hours—finding all those goodies, and now they’ve vanished into thin air. I feel like calling the police, but we all know how that would go.

          It’s worse than having a nightmare, because you’ve gotten your hopes up and now it’s all for naught. You don’t even know where those stores are, or what street they’re on. There is no way to ever find those outfits again.

Whereas, with a nightmare you wake up and it’s “Ahh… yes! That was only a dream.” And you go on, happy and relieved.

It’s like those dessert dreams where you’re about to bite into the most delicious-looking cake or pie you’ve ever seen and then suddenly WHAPP!  The alarm goes off and it’s gone.

I’ll tell you this. Next time someone says, “Sweet dreams,” I’m going to think twice about that.

If you find yourself awake after a dream, check out my Youtube Mom channel with hundreds of life hacks!

Talking Turkey

 

          It’s time I told you my real feelings about turkey, since most folks eat it for Thanksgiving, and many have it again at Christmas.

          I am not a fan. But I’m not alone. If you ask anyone—literally anyone—what their favorite meat is, no one will say turkey. We eat it out of tradition, but it’s dry and tastes like napkins.  This is why we slather  cranberry sauce or gravy on it. And why we basically eat it just once a year.

          Sure, we like all the sides—the stuffing, the potatoes, the yams, the pies—but we merely tolerate the turkey.

          There are many other large birds we don’t eat—swans used to be eaten, but my research said it’s an “acquired taste,” which means eww. And some aren’t safe, because they’re toxic-- or like seagulls, they taste fishy.

          I say we leave the poor, bewildered turkeys alone. Where I live, wild turkeys wander about freely, often congregating in a parking lot or field. They look like mini dinosaurs, just looking for something to eat, and scratching about in gardens for tasty bugs.

          They’re wrinkled and have jiggly wattles, but seem completely unaware of their appearance. The males spread their feathers proudly, and the females fall for it. It’s kind of cute.

          So… choose your real favorite meal next time, and let the turkeys do the gobbling.

          Did you know I have dozens of amazing recipes on my blog site? Check ‘em out, along with my Youtube Mom videos.

What's Your Opinion?

                 How often do you speak with someone on the phone, then immediately get a survey to fill out?  Several times a week, right? Sometimes several times a day! 

    Give us a one-to-five rating.

    Was the person courteous?

    Did they solve your problem?

    Would you recommend us to your friends?

    Can you please write a review on every social media platform that exists?

                On and on.

                But I’ll bet you’re like me: Even if I give a high rating, that doesn’t mean I’m now hoping for 15 to 30 minutes of follow-up questions.

                It wasn’t too many years ago that this was unheard of. Maybe it blossomed with cell phones or internet searches.  But few of us have the time or motivation to spend that much time evaluating.

                I’m tempted to send a survey back:

    How was I as a customer? Give me a one-to-five rating.

    Did I spend enough money at your business?

    Did I present too difficult a problem?

    Did I keep your employee on the phone too long?

    Did I hang up midway through and force you to call back?

    Did I have roosters crowing in the background?

    Did I understand your language?

    Did I fill out your forms completely?

    Can you please write a novel extoling my virtues?

                Thank goodness there’s a delete button. (But then what if the delete people want to send me a review?)

                It’s not too late to buy my book, A LITTLE CHRISTMAS PRAYER for everyone on your gift list! It’s perfect for anyone of any faith. Just $3.49!

All Choked Up

           I recently had the pleasure of visiting the Emergency Room.  Ah, yes, everyone’s favorite hangout. Only I was not there because of illness or accident. I was there because of klutzy pill-taking.

          Yes, I had to report the embarrassing truth, that I had INHALED a vitamin pill, instead of swallowing it. Mind you, this is not the sort of stuck pill that can be solved by swallowing a pinch of bread. It wasn’t stuck in my esophagus, but my trachea—the little airway tube that leads to your lungs.

          Well, of course it was late at night and no actual lung doctors were hanging out. They were probably all at home, watching E.R. on television.

          Nope, the only people there were other patients, all of whom were mighty concerned that I couldn’t stop coughing. A nurse finally told me to wear a mask, because other patients were worried.

          “Tell them I’m choking,” I explained. “I’m not contagious.”  But this did not ease their fears, so I had to wear a mask and make the situation even worse, because now I couldn’t inhale a breath strong enough to dislodge the pill.

          They suggested I be admitted to a room (probably to get me out of the E.R.), where I could cough all night until a lung specialist showed up the next morning to do surgery. They took x-rays to help this imaginary person, hours from seeing me.

          I decided I could go home and cough all night much more comfortably, and then—cue the heavenly choir—the pill finally dissolved and came out in tiny bits. The trachea is a lot dryer than the esophagus, so it took hours. But at last I was free. Sore sides, but hey, freedom.

          And now I am super careful swallowing pills. No more knocking them back in a bunch. Just one at a time, like handling tiny hand grenades.

My book, A Little Christmas Prayer, is the perfect Christmas gift. Sometimes it takes a child to raise a village, and this tale teaches anyone, of any faith, the magic of gratitude. All my books and Youtube Mom videos can be found at jonihilton.com.     

The Halves and Half-Nots

           There is much to be said about the beauty of large birds. The Bald Eagle is even our national symbol. And there are hawks, owls, and falcons in my own neighborhood, since Rocklin, California is dotted with lovely wetlands.

          HOWEVER… these are predatory birds, and if you think they only eat mice and other pests, you would be wrong. They eat other birds!  Yes, that earns an exclamation mark because I was stunned when I learned this.

          In fact, if you type “large birds that will not eat other birds” into a search, you will not find anything. Just lists of the 30+ ones who do gobble up their kind.

          And, of course, they also eat rodents, which brings me to the hideous discovery I made in our back yard last week, when I saw a neighbor’s cat staring at our hammock.  On closer inspection, there was the top half of a BUNNY there! It had fallen from someone’s talons, just like the Norwegian rat that one of those winged gluttons dropped on our roof a couple of years ago.

          AND, one of them even tried to carry away our own little dog, a Chihuahua mix who was just small enough to tempt them.

          This is why I hate nature shows. Okay, first I love them because of the beauty of the sleek leopards, the swiftness of the gazelles, the agility of the Orca whales.  But TV producers cannot stop at this; they have to show you how the animals eat.  And it’s inevitably somebody else.

Don’t we have enough reality in our lives? Can’t we just pretend that everyone gets along, then goes home and slaps on an apron and bakes cookies?

 You could always post a link to a list of their favorite foods, so we don’t have to see the grizzly details. I’m just saying.

Hey, Christmas is coming, and my book, A Little Christmas Prayer, is the perfect inexpensive gift! Sometimes it takes a child to raise a village, and this tale teaches anyone, of any faith, the magic of gratitude. Available on Amazon. Other books and Youtube Mom videos can be found at jonihilton.com.

Terrorist Fairy Garden

           Well, there’s nothing like an innocent fairy garden to get you on a Watch List.  That, and auto-correct.  Here’s what happened:

          A friend of mine bought a new house up in the mountains (we live near the base of the Sierra Nevadas).  It’s on a slope, and she wants to build a town for the fairies on her property. She knew I have one wrapping around a tree in my backyard:

                                                               

 

          So she asked me for ideas.  And the first one I thought of, was to terrace it so you can have level places for the homes, and cute retaining walls made of tiny stones. 

          But when you leave a message, autocorrect immediately changes “terraced fairy garden” into “terrorist fairy garden.” And now, instead of picturing happy, winged fairies you imagine machine-gun-toting fairies and miniature tanks.

          Of course I blame the terrorists. If they hadn’t appeared on the scene, autocorrect would have left the fairy village terraced, safe, and lovely. My cell phone never would have thought I was saying “terrorist” because it wouldn’t have existed. And the world would be a better place.

Are you looking for great Christmas gifts? Buy my super inexpensive (but fabulous) book, A Little Christmas Prayer.  Perfect for anyone!

Suspended in Disbelief

           Sunday at church, St. Bob—who sits on the stand up front, as one of the leaders—darted right down to me after the service.

          “Come with me,” he said. And he seemed serious.

          He led me to the tiny Family History room.  The sister missionaries wanted to put their bicycles in there, but he held them off. “Just five minutes,” he said, and closed the door.

          What surprise could he possibly be hiding?

          He began taking off his suit coat.

          “What on earth are you doing?” I gasped. Surely he didn’t think this was an appropriate place—”

          “My suspenders have come off in the back,” he said. “I need you to put them on again for me.”

          Oh, good heavens!

          “My pants nearly fell down,” he whispered.

          I remembered our eldest son as a child, once saying, “It’s okay if your pants fall down. You can always pull them back up.”  But I decided this wasn’t what Bob needed to hear just now.

          He’d begun wearing suspenders about a year ago when he discovered how much more comfy it was than a belt. I happily snapped them onto his pants in the back and he slipped back into his suit coat.

          We opened the door so the missionary girls could stow their bikes there, and saw their wide eyes. Now I’m REALLY glad I didn’t laugh out loud when I learned about Bob’s suspender emergency.

My book, A Little Christmas Prayer, is the perfect Christmas gift. Sometimes it takes a child to raise a village, and this tale teaches anyone, of any faith, the magic of gratitude. All my books and Youtube Mom videos can be found at jonihilton.com.

What a Voice!

           I recently got together with some long-time girlfriends. 

         One morning I was doing breakfast dishes, looked out the window, and saw a man walking through my friend’s back yard.

          My girlfriend had said she had a worker who’d be there, but what surprised me was that he was singing as he went along. Not just singing, but singing incredibly well!

          His beautiful voice came softly, yet beautifully through the windows, and I smiled. Not only did he have a gorgeous voice, but he was perfectly on key.

          This is how life is, I thought to myself. You can be a truly inspired singer, yet never become a star, but a worker in someone’s back yard. Still, you can sing with joy, share your talent, and bless the world.

          And then I saw it. On my friend’s windowsill was a home receiver for music, with a picture of Dean Martin on the screen. Everybody Loves Somebody, it said, the very song I was listening to.

          It had been turned down just low enough that it sounded as if you were hearing it through the windows. And, of course, exactly on key. I told my friend and she can’t wait to share this news with her workman!

          So, I’m just saying, this one example of my assuming the best about someone should at least cancel one of the times I’ve assumed the worst. Right? Darn right. And that’s how you get a few points in Heaven, my friends.

Well, that and watching my Youtube Mom videos. Find them on my website here.  AND some terrific books you can give as Christmas gifts!

Cone for a Day

           There used to be a popular game show called “Queen for a Day,” where women could win cool prizes for the best sob story, and wear a crown for that day.

          But now St. Bob has a new idea: Cone for a Day. Yes, he wants me to wear a cone like you see dogs wearing.   

          They're actually called Elizabethan collars, so now you've learned a new thing.  But here's why St. Bob wants me to wear one: First of all, I keep losing a contact lens. If I had a cone on, they would fall into an easily-viewed area. Bob manages to help me find them, but I can understand his wanting to make this easier.                                                                              

        Second, it would protect me from socking myself in the face when I’m putting on a compression sleeve and it snaps away from me.

          Third, I would never again spill on my clothes, because the clever cone would catch drips of what is usually ice cream. 

Although I cannot imagine wearing one of these into a restaurant. But I'm not saying it’s a bad idea…

And here’s a really good idea: Visit my website, jonihilton,com where you can buy my books and find my Youtube Mom channel!

Advice Worth Every Penny

           Our daughter, Nicole, just got her Master’s degree in Clinical Therapy. This is perfect for her, as she is a terrific listener and very insightful.

          Even as a young child, she would try to analyze me. I’d be telling her something and she would lead me along and say, “Because…?” She was always an old soul, more the grownup. Meanwhile, I was the little kid at heart, drawing faces on my fingers and then putting on a puppet show.

          I’m sure her clients are thrilled with her techniques and advice. But I cannot imagine listening to troubled people all day, without interrupting and telling them how to solve it.

          If someone comes to me with a problem, I jump in and say, “Grab a pen. Here are 10 things to try.” Why wallow, right? I’m told this is a male characteristic, to want to solve a problem without first venting about it. But I like creative ideas, so I’m already bubbling over with them. And I also like saving time.

          I can actually picture myself opening a booth like Lucy did, in the Peanuts comic strip.  Except mine would say, “Five minutes max” on the sign.

          If someone brings me a concern and I give them advice, I expect them to at least try what I’ve suggested. If they return a couple of weeks later and they still want to whine, I mean, share their troubles, I’ve learned what attorneys say, “Asked and answered.”

         And, of course, I think I have brilliant solutions. The problem is that people like me, with grown kids, want to jump in and give advice. BUT… word on the street is that you should wait for these kids to ask before you tell them how to live.  And… as many a parent has discovered, they don’t ask for your opinion anymore.

          So here I sit, overflowing with fabulous advice, able to share it in the blink of an eye, but everyone seems to be rolling along independently. Maybe I should charge by the hour.

Wonderful, FREE advice and life skills are available to one and all, however. Just visit my Youtube Mom channel.

Hissy Fit

           St. Bob is throwing what, in his home state of Louisiana, they would call a “hissy fit.”  And what has upset him, you ask?

          The ending of a K-Drama we just watched. This is the second time we’ve been robbed of the wedding scene. Episode after episode brought the couple together, we waited FOREVER for them to declare their love, and FOREVER again for them to kiss, and now, just when you’re sure they’ll marry, they don’t.  Oh, they’re still in love.  Just no wedding yet. The End.

          Thanks to my friend, Nanette, who has watched just about every K- Drama that exists, I got hooked on these wonderful, funny, clean, well-written dramas with sub-titles. St. Bob did as well. And in case you have been living under a rock and don’t know about these, they are shows produced in South Korea, hence the K.

          K-Dramas are having a moment. Entire college dorms have K-Drama night, when all the students watch, glued to the suspenseful story. Around the world, people are starting with “Crash Landing on You,” and getting hooked. In that one, the couple became a couple in real life, which only heightens the romance.

          But in any movie, you have certain expectations. You want the villain to suffer consequences, you want the hero to prevail. And you want to see the culminating wedding scene if it’s a romance. Even if you’re an action movie guy who thinks he’s James Bond and has Mission Impossible for his ring tone.

          So, next time we watch a K-Drama, St. Bob is going to forward to the end to see if there’s a wedding. And if not, on to the next one.

Or… you can make less of a time commitment and just learn life hacks by watching my Youtube Mom videos.

Twist and Shout

          I used to be pretty good at tongue twisters. Like so many other talents that pay exactly zero, I was blessed with the ability to say them without getting all twisted up.

          Until now. Enter the Godzilla of Tongue Twisters. It looks simple, but it trips me up: “Irish Wrist Watches.”  Try to say it once without pausing or smooshing it all together.

          And immediately I thought of our son who not only works in the world of luxury watches, but is an expert on the dawn of time.  I mean the literal dawn of time-keeping. He knows every method of time-keeping mankind has ever invented. 

           He works for Panerai Watches, an Italian brand with a store on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills. These watches are worn by celebrities, stored in safes by wealthy collectors, and cost as much as some homes. This one can sell for $500,000.00:

He knows all about the big brands: Patek Philippe, Audemars Piguiet, A. Lange & Sohne, and Vacheron Constantin.  (You talk about tongue twisters). 

          So I asked him if he was aware of any Irish watch brands. Sure enough, there’s one called McGonigle:

          I asked my son if he could say Irish wrist watches. He could. Did it with no problem. (sigh).

Be sure to visit my Youtube Mom channel, where in NO TIME, you can find hundreds of great life hacks.

Beware of the Blob!

           I feel like I’m in a Sci-Fi movie and the Slime Monster is attacking. Either that, or somebody seriously does not like scrambled eggs.  Here is what I found on my lawn today:

          And in a flower garden:

              What kind of crazy, creepy thing is attacking my yard?  And what other crazy thing do I have to do to get rid of it?  Is it poisonous? Deadly? Radioactive?  Something I can write about on a blog?

Aha. Answers to questions 1 to 3 are “No.” Answer to question 4 is “Yes.”

Turns it’s called Slime Mold and it’s not dangerous to people or animals. Whew! But it’s super ugly and also has the nickname, Dog Vomit Fungus, which is disgusting, so thanks for that.

So what on earth is it? It’s a single-celled primitive organism that spreads through spores. It’s not a fungus or a disease.  It can show up on lawns especially during damp or humid conditions. Hello??? I live in low-humidity California and we’ve had a heat wave that has dried everything out!

Okay, it’s not poisonous, but it’s in the wrong state and I want to get rid of it.  Luckily you can rake it away or wash it off with water. And now you know what to do if you’re ever attacked by the Slime Mold Monster.

I have hundreds of life hacks (way more useful than this one) on my Youtube Mom channel.  Check ‘em out!

12 Reasons You Shouldn't Be on a Reality Show

 1-         You’re too chipper.  The last time you lost your temper was during the Carter administration. 

2-         You don’t look good enough in a swimsuit; the others would ignore you.

3-         You look too good in a swimsuit; the others will despise you.

 4-         You’re a peace maker, and would try to get everyone else to get along, or at least join you in singing a few show tunes. 

5-         You don’t have enough tattoos. 

6-         You don’t secretly want to be an actress. 

7-         Your nose runs when you over exert yourself.

 8-         You’d need too many luxury items: tweezers, concealer, hair gel, wrinkle cream, lip liner, mascara, nail polish, etc. 

9-         You’re too exhausted from raising a family to be a diabolical manipulator.

 10-       You’d want to include the camera men and crew, to be polite. 

11-       You know too many party games and would make it too much fun.

 12-       You’d only be doing it to lose weight, and wouldn’t have that competitive edge.    

So stay home and watch my Youtube Mom videos. Hundreds of life hacks!