Thinking Outside the Ball

            This is football season, can we not agree?  And on the cleated heels of football season will be basketball.  Then baseball, then soccer, and then football again.  With lots of overlap.  In and around these sports are all the Olympic events plus golf, tennis, and air hockey.  It’s a sportsman’s paradise.

            And each of these sports had a beginning, a moment when someone devised the rules, drew up teams, and started the ball quite literally rolling.  Still with me?

            So why can’t a mere mother of four weigh in on the rules and tweak them a bit?  They didn’t come from the hand of God, like the Ten Commandments, right?  

            To my way of thinking, this means the rules are up for grabs, or at least a bit of improvement. Hey, what else am I supposed to do while my husband is watching these games, except analyze their defects and suggest ways to make them better?  (Yet another reason he is known as St. Bob.) Herewith my suggestions for improving several popular sports:

Baseball.  One word, folks: Greyhounds.  You let half a dozen greyhounds onto the field and now we’ll really see which players are good at fielding balls.   

Not only that, but baseball has been sadly lacking in the humor department, and this would deliver laughs in every inning.  A great way to utilize dogs who have retired from the track.

Soccer.  Here’s why soccer will never catch on in the United States, and will never equal our football, baseball, or basketball in popularity: The scores are too low.  Too much time goes by without a score and Americans are impatient fans.  Once again, I have an easy solution: Eliminate the goalies.  

Think of it—each team would be responsible for defending its own goal together, when the action is down there, just like in basketball, with no goalie in the net. Seriously, imagine how dull a basketball game would be if you had one player virtually sitting in the hoop, blocking all the balls?  A lot of running around for nothing, right?  So imagine we take the goalies out of soccer:  Suddenly the scores will skyrocket and fans will go wild.  Just because everyone else uses goalies doesn’t mean this is a sacred rule that can’t be changed.

Golf.  Eliminate the yawn factor two ways: Stop having the TV announcers whisper as if they’re going to break the players’ concentration when we all know they’re nowhere near the players.  And two: Make it a speed game as well, and require players to run like the wind between shots.  They can still have caddies, but they’d better be swift ones, because half your score will now be based on how quickly you ran all 18 holes.  Finally, an element of excitement.

Swimming.  Instead of having swimmers compete against one another, have them compete against true champs—dolphins!  Okay, maybe not dolphins, because that wouldn’t be much of a competition.  How about salmon or tuna?  No; they’re pretty fast as well.  I’m thinking even a trout could beat Michael Phelps, so maybe we look into sea turtles or shrimp--- goldfish, maybe?  Definitely not water moccasins. But something that lives in the water and knows its way around.  Hey—how about those Portuguese Water Dogs?  Now we’re talking.

Football. Simply eliminate the time-outs.  There’s entirely too much wasted time setting up again, jabbering on the sidelines in a huddle, etc.   Nope, nope, nope.  Make your plan before the game, not on the fly as you go.  If players get tired, substitute them while the game continues.  Then, like masters of chess, the victory would go to those who could plan ahead.

Dare I say this is a slam dunk?  All it takes is a little creativity, and a willingness to accept that rules can be dynamic, changing things.  That, and a good bunch of dogs.

Hey, send this blog to every sports fan you know, and see if their neck veins swell.  Maybe they'll spit and carry on and create a brand new sport!  We could call it BlogHissyfit!  

Defeating Zorro

          Before I launch into today's Joniopolis story, I simply must direct you to pebblesandpiggytails.com, a fantastic MommyBlog that should absolutely be among your favorites. I love the inspiration there (no whining!), the clever ideas, and even the miracles.  I'm a guest blogger on there today, and I'm honored to make an appearance at such a wonderful site!
          Now, back to Joniopolis:
 
            I have made astounding progress in this whole mystery about my possessed cell phone.  In our last episode… er, blog… we saw poor Joni struggling to leave a phone message to “Ethel,” an elderly woman at church, when SUDDENLY Spanish guitar music blasted from the device, making it sound as if Joni were a bar-hopping, drunken flamenco dancer.  That, or Zorro’s mother, calling just as her son came riding up with accompaniment.

            And who should help solve this puzzle but Zorro, himself!  At least I think St. Bob is Zorro.  You never see them together.  And, with the mask, who can tell? 

            Here’s how it happened.  St. Bob came home from work and I told him my phone was acting up.  As in, Linda Blair was acting up in The Exorcist and, like my phone, needed exorcism.  Bob asked me to show him the problem.  I made a few finger swipes and ta-da!  There it was again, the exact same song!

            “That’s Crazy on You by Heart,” Bob said.  “I love that song.”

            “You know that song?” How this man can know every song in the universe is beyond my understanding and, like expertise at pool, probably indicates a wasted childhood.

            “It’s in my iTunes,” he said.  “It’s one of my favorites.” This man has approximately 829 favorite songs, but who’s counting?  Apparently he had loaded it onto the family computer, at which point it catapulted itself into an invisible cloud of tunes, and then beamed itself into my little bitty cell phone.

            “But it sounds Spanish,” I said.  Just then a woman’s voice began singing along, and in English!  Well, this was clearly not the soundtrack for a Zorro movie.  It actually was Heart.  Who knew?  Okay, St. Bob knew.  But how was I to know his collection of songs had wormed its way onto my cell phone? And how could I keep them from exploding from my phone at random moments? I can just picture James Brown blasting about how good he feels when I call someone to console them during a hospital stay. 

 Or Bruno Mars singing, “When I Was Your Man” just as I call a woman with relationship problems.

            Bob fixed it and when I asked him how, he said he pressed the stop button on the iTunes app.  I don’t believe him.

            Now I just have to call Ethel and hope she’s a fan of Heart.

It doesn’t come with a soundtrack, but if it ever gets made into a movie, its soundtrack will be killer, I promise.  Meanwhile, read JUNGLE, a young adult romance adventure (and we all know grown women like them, too).  You can find it here.

I Need an Ambience Ambulance

            Like you, I have a cell phone.  Unlike you, mine is possessed.  St. Bob gave this contraption to me so that I would have a Smart Phone and be able to use it like a computer.  As is my style, I refused to read the instruction book.  The same thing happened when my boys tried to teach me Dungeons and Dragons and pulled out an instruction book the size of War and Peace.

            However, like many a chimp, I have learned some tricks.  I have a microphone to help me text, I find coupons on there, and I use a stylus to play Words with Friends with my third son, who is at the moment beating me but I am getting nothing but Vs and vowels.  And I even have a directory of everyone in my church.

            Okay, not my entire church—there are 15 million Mormons, worldwide. Just the phone numbers of people in my local congregation. And, as president of the women’s group, I have occasion to call some of them from time to time.

            AND, since it’s a New Year, we have changed meeting times.  Our new time is 10:30, perfect for people who thought 8:30 was ridiculous.  So I, bearer of glad tidings, decided to call a few of the less active sisters, and remind them of the promise I wrangled out of them in October, to start coming when the time changed.

            I dial a woman I’ll call Ethel, but her name is really Doris.  Just kidding, it’s not Doris.  Anyway, Ethel’s answering message comes on.  Just as I’m about to leave word about the new time, my cell phone STARTS PLAYING GUITAR MUSIC. 

 And not just any guitar music, but a complicated Spanish number with what sounds like 12 strings, and I am looking around for Zorro to come riding up.  It is so loud I have to yell over the music for Ethel to hear me.  This woman will no doubt think I have called her from a cantina somewhere in Mexico, 

 

 where Tequila drinks go sliding across the bar to drunken patrons with those curly mustaches you see everywhere these days. 

 (I also got the lowdown on those mustaches, recently—turns out they’re a hipster thing, but no self-respecting hipster would actually call himself a hipster, yet the fad rages on.)  Anyhow, that is the mental image I am sure Ethel will have when she listens to her messages.   She will think I am a boozy floozy (bilingual, though), who called her from South of the Border somewhere to make a debatable claim about the new church meeting time. On a possessed cell phone. 

            Whatever.  Just as long as she doesn’t think I’m a hipster.  

If you know why guitar music suddenly came pouring out of my iPhone, leave me a comment.  And for heaven's sake, order my books on Amazon, so I can afford a better phone.

 

Resolutions Not to Make

            When Nicole was still in grade school, she posted some New Year’s Resolutions on our fridge. From a distance, I thought, “Well, isn’t that nice.  She’s keeping them at eye level where she can constantly refer to her list.”

            However, on closer inspection, I noticed this list was for the rest of the family.  Ah, yes, our girl had thoughtfully analyzed her parents and brothers, and compiled a list to help us out of our emotional squalor.  If I remember right, and I do, the one she chose for me was to stick with what I kept saying I would do (get in shape, for one).  And I must admit, keeping one’s word is a virtue.  So is getting in shape. 

              But these are tough goals to set.  A better method would be to attack the goal with a program of daily effort, not just scribble down a lofty goal with no apparent steps to take you there. And I think that’s the problem with resolutions—they’re too sweeping, too grand.  Rather than a gigantic result that you can’t even measure, a better goal would be “Walk 20 blocks a day,” or “do 50 sit-ups a day.”  Goals need to start small and be measurable.

            So here’s a list of goals not to set.  I am giving you the gift of freedom from trying to do the impossible in one deft brush stroke.  I’m also pointing out some goals that are unrealistic, and will only leave you feeling like a failure.  Here are things that make bad resolutions:

1.        Always park far away from the store and walk.  Great idea, but it gets sacrificed within the first week if you’re in a hurry.  Just do it when you can.

2.        Eat only organic foods. Unless you get invited to someone’s house.  Or there’s a great little restaurant you’re dying to try.  Or the local bakery has something decadent in the window.  This one should fall under “moderation in all things,” not Absolute Commandments.

3.        Organize family photos.  Ah, yes, the box of stuff Mom gave you that her mom gave her.  How about this, instead?  Just write names (and dates, if you can) on the backs of the old photos?  Next year, group them into families or years.  The year after that, tackle one grouping and put them in an album.  Then the next grouping.  Make this a work in progress, not a back-breaking race with an unrealistic finish line.

4.        Finish Christmas shopping before December. Okay, my OCD side actually does this, and I save money by shopping sales all year and tucking things away.  But if you think of something in December, or you need a gift you didn’t know about, it’s not the end of the world.  Just go get it.

5.        Floss daily. Truly a noble plan.  But if you stayed up until 2:00 a.m. working on an assignment, and you’re dead tired, your teeth will not fall out if you skip this routine.

6.        Spend less time on electronics.  Yep, videogames and social media are taking over.  So give yourself a schedule, and cut back if it’s gotten out of control.  But put a number to it—a number of minutes, say.  Otherwise it’s just a nebulous wish.  (And for heaven’s sake, keep reading this blog and watching my youtube channel!)

7.        Keep all shoes in see-through boxes.  This goes along with all other organizing tricks and methods (which I happen to love), but I will simply say this: If you’re not wired to organize in bins and files, don’t beat yourself up.  Hyper organized people will already be living like this, and people who aren’t, will only be frustrated trying to be something they’re not.  Find your own style. 

8.        Pack seasonal clothes in acid-free paper.  (Sigh.)

9.        Transfer videos to DVD. I have set this goal every few months for the last 12 years.  My most recent step in the right direction was to borrow an old camcorder from a friend, so I can actually screen and organize my old 8mm videotapes.  Now I need to set aside one evening a week to work on it.  Pray for me.

10.      Keep house spotless. Better: Keep house happy.

11.      Revise all recipes to low fat.  This, in itself, is a recipe.  A recipe for misery.  Do not remove all the fat from your food; simply eat smaller portions.  Then, at least what you do eat, will be divine.

12.        Iron sheets.  Love the idea, but reality intervenes and beds must be made, whether you were able to conquer this enormous task or not. Iron the pillowcases and call it good. 

13.       Live on a budget.  Yes, we are fools to go into debt.  But instead of a blanket statement like that, break it into tiny parts: Consolidate bills.  Eliminate all credit cards but one.  Sit down with an advisor.  Make a list of purchases we can cut.  Eat this elephant one bite at a time.

Now here’s an easier resolution to being new and improved:  Just subscribe to my Youtube channel here, and every weekday you’ll get a new, short video that teaches you all the life skills you need!