Water, water, everywhere...

           How on earth did everyone get so dehydrated? You see people with water bottles everywhere—and they gulp them desperately, as if they’ve just crossed a desert.

If you went back in time and told me people would someday BUY water I would have thought you were crazy. I mean, it literally falls from the sky.  You can fill your tub for just pennies. Yet every supermarket now has an aisle labeled, “Water.”  Vitamin water, flavored water, energy water, athletic water, and water from secret springs in some remote mountainous area. 

Chichi bars have sprung up where patrons order various pricey waters to drink. We pay more for bottled water than we do for gasoline. A lot more. The Guinness Book of World Records says the priciest bottle of water ever is called Acqua di Cristallo Tributo a Modigliani. It sold for $60,000.

Some say tap water is too polluted. But there’s evidence that’s what you’re actually getting in some bottled waters anyway!  And according to the Mayo Clinic, bottled water and tap water are pretty much governed by similar safety standards.

          In restaurants when I say I’d like some water I’m asked if I want sparkling water, mineral water, or lemon water. None of the above. I just want tap water. When I say this, I am stared at as the freakazoid creature I clearly am, for drinking plain water.

I know we all need to be adequately hydrated. But you don’t see newsreels about millions of people in the 1950s, let’s say, collapsing on the street because they couldn’t find their water bottle.  You waited. You got home and had some water. Or you found a drinking fountain. But you were able to go hours without guzzling H2O, and people did just fine.

          St. Bob buys plastic bottles of water, then loads ALL of them into the fridge so nothing else can fit in there. We may not have anything for dinner, but by George, we’re prepared for a water shortage.

Or for Yosemite Sam to crawl up to our door, parched from crossing the Mohave Desert eight times, begging for a canteen. Of course, he’ll want it filled with Evian, perhaps with a twist of lemon.

And you are welcome to drink all the water you like as you happily curl up with one of my books.

Exercise Made Easy

          People who spend a fortune on exercise equipment have no idea how inexpensive fitness can actually be.  Here are three ways I get zillions of extra steps into my day:

          Step one:  Buy a water bottle.  This is mine, set on my desk in front of my “Youtube Mom” sign. 

          We won’t even count the steps you took to buy the thing, just the steps you will take afterwards. BECAUSE IT WILL NEVER BE WHERE YOU THOUGHT YOU LEFT IT.  You will walk all over the house, upstairs and down, out to the car, back in again to the kitchen, out onto the patio hunting for it, and FINALLY you will see it in the laundry room or some other unlikely location.

          Step two: Live where it’s sunny.  This will force you to buy sunglasses, which will also vanish into thin air and cause you to walk all over, looking everywhere they could possibly be. Finally you will find them on your head.

              Step three: Believe that you must have your cell phone within reach at all times (this requires no imagination, but instead the ridiculous belief that you much be reachable in an instant, by anyone). Suddenly discover that you cannot see your phone and dash through the house in an aerobic workout that will get your heart pumping more than an escape from an armed robber.            Ultimately ask someone else to call you, then listen for the ring tone that will guide you on a stretch under the sofa to retrieve the lost phone.  This can also prove profitable if you don’t sweep under there very often, and you entertain guests who keep coins in their pockets.

          See? Not only have I saved you money, but I’ve made you money.  Ka-ching!

          Now you can spend it on my books.