Dueling Siris

          It seems the entire world has forgotten how to get anywhere. The minute folks get in their cars, they are programming their GPS systems and relying on a stranger’s voice to guide them to their destination.

          And sometimes this works, and sometimes you go in circles.  But recently, we had a war. 

Along with eldest child Richie and youngest child Nicole, I was visiting our second son Brandon, who lives in Las Vegas. We had seen the amazing Perseid Meteor Shower at 2 a.m., toured through Red Rock Canyon the next day, and now we were hunting for a downtown restaurant.  So OF COURSE everyone had to pull out their cell phones and help.  This created a cacophony of southern accents, British accents, and bossy non-accents filling the car (and no, none of those were any of us). 

Naturally, not one of them could agree with the other two.  It was as if we had filled the car with demanding children. “Turn right in half a mile,” one said.  “Turn left at the next intersection,” another said.  “Return to the designated route,” said another. We could have stepped out of the car and left these GPS guides to have their own conversation. Or, in this case, argument.

How can they possibly all be right?  Or is even one of them right? Well, it turns out Nicole was relying on Siri, which means Apple maps, which are based on typical traffic patterns, whereas Richie and Brandon had Waze, which includes current road work (and perhap should be renamed Maze).  And did I mention that Las Vegas is always packed to the brim with road work?  So the route that worked best last week might be completely closed off this week.

My dashboard GPS is unreliable as well, and has literally sent me in loop after loop, as if taking pay-offs from the gasoline industry. Last month I asked it for directions to Vacaville and a voice said, “Zachodniopomorskie Poland, approximate driving time forty-two days.” Yes, that’s right.  Poland is where I’m heading.  In a car.  It’s Zachodniopomorskie or bust, I tell you.

          I miss the old road map days, where the only tension in the air was aggravation from trying to get the thing folded up again.

Maybe you should just stay home and just read a good book.  I suggest my latest one, GOLDEN.  I promise it won’t steer you wrong.  Order the paperback or the Kindle version on Amazon.

Taking Over the World, Sort Of

I have to confess another obsession.  It’s my Clustr Map, which shows every country where someone has read my blog.  Every time I go to the home page I see red and yellow dots all over the U.S., and a few others sprinkled around the globe.  Just like when I played RISK as a little girl, I simply must get a wooden bead on every country. 

You have no idea how this goal has consumed me.  I call my husband at work and shout, “We have Pakistan!” as if I’m Genghis Khan reporting his latest acquisition.

            But seriously, Pakistan!  And Hungary!  And Italy!  I don’t even know a living soul in these countries, but someone there is reading my humor columns.  In English!  Okay, that’s humbling because I don’t speak Urdu, Hungarian, or Italian.  And that’s not all.  I have readers in China, Canada, the U.K., Spain, Finland, Norway, Sweden, the Philippines, Bermuda (where I have always wanted to go), Brazil, Argentina, France, Australia, Guatemala, Mexico, the Russian Federation, and India.  All joined by a twisted sense of humor. 

            And, of course, I cannot look at this map without seeing the vast array of countries where I have not one reader.  Whole continents are missing, here!  Africa, hellooo?  Not a single dot, seriously?  What does a girl have to do?  And not one Middle Eastern country has hopped on board this laugh wagon, either.  Ditto the whole of Greenland.  Okay, I don’t expect too much from Greenland, but it still bugs me.  

I started this blog three months ago, and nearly 4,000 readers have visited.  For that I am uber grateful.  But surely these folks have friends in other countries who could use some entertainment; why aren’t they telling them to subscribe?  Don’t even get me started on the nations that could certainly use some levity in their lives; it’s pretty much everyone.  So I have a proposal.  If you know people in other countries, could you please email them the link to my blog?  In return, I will--okay there is no return.  But are you telling me there isn’t some satisfaction in sharing joy around the globe?  Must we always have a tangible reward instead of the intrinsic contentment that comes with doing a good deed?

Look at it this way.  You are keeping me from hurling RISK beads at my monitor, or worse, gluing them onto the screen and becoming another blonde joke.  That’s a community service, right there.  Don’t say I didn’t offer you the chance.