Join Today!

          Does your mind ever play tricks on you?  It must.  This is why we all enjoy optical illusions and close-up magic.  We marvel that we can stare at one thing and see something else.

          But does it ever happen with your name?  A friend of mine recently wrote, “I have to tell you, when I was in Chicago last week we were staying at the Chicago Hilton, and everywhere I looked there were signs inviting me to apply to be a member of the Hilton rewards program. The signs had just two words: Join Hilton, and I kept thinking I was seeing your name.”

          I’ve actually had the same thing happen—when typing my own name I’ve often transposed it to read “Join”  instead of “Joni.” Even worse, I sometimes write “XoXo” to loved ones, and occasionally I’ll check it before sending and realize that it actually says “SoSo.”

          But does your name spell something else if you mess with the letters? Think about St. Bob. His name spells Bob forward and backward, the lucky duck. But what if your name is Bart? Do you sometimes write Brat?  Did Burl Ives sometimes write Blur Eyes? 

          And sometimes we see what we want to see.  Anytime I see a sign that starts with “C” my mind wants to read, “chocolate.” 

           But usually it just says “Capital” something, since I live in California’s capital, Sacramento.  Naturally you find Capital bank, Capital cleaners’, Capital café—all of which could double their business if they simply changed the first word to Chocolate.

          Sadly, the word “Chocolate” is not in any of my book titles.  But you can write it in if you prefer, for a more delicious read. Heck, you can even cross out “Joni” and write “Join”  if you wish.

Now You See It

          Have your eyes gone on strike, yet?  If you are 40 years old or more, chances are you cannot hold books far enough away to see the printing. You could even be struggling to read this blog.

          But I have the solution and it’s a beauty.  First, however, let’s give you an eye test.  I have devised a dozen ways you can know you need reading glasses:  

1.       Your food is blurry. So are the menus.

2.      You call a rest home by mistake when looking on your phone for restaurants.

3.       You sing “waitress for Christ” instead of “witness for Christ” at church.

4.      You don’t know your nail polish is chipped until someone mentions it.

5.       You can’t see your husband’s face unless he stands across the room.

6.      You can cut your toenails, or see what you’re doing, but not both.

7.       You have to ask clerks what the price tags say.

8.      You dial more wrong numbers than right ones.

9.      You look in the mirror, and even without makeup, you look great!

10.     You ask the PTA to stop printing things on colored paper.

11.     You stop looking for the calorie count on food packaging.

12.     You have to sit so far back from the computer screen that you can’t reach the keyboard.

          But guess what—there’s another option to having glasses.  My eye doctor told me to try monovision.  This does not mean surgery; it means one eye has a contact lens for distance (since I’m nearsighted), and the other has one for close-up.  The brain simply figures out which eye to use!

          I was skeptical.  How could your brain know which eye to use?  But I was so tired of hunting all over the house for yet another pair of lost reading glasses that I agreed to try it.

          And voile!  It’s as if my eyes are 20 years old again!  Instantly I was able to see close up, then glance across a room and see that in focus as well! I donated all my reading glasses to charity, and am considering becoming an astronaut. They need perfect vision, right?  Sign me up! 

          And you are welcome for this fabulous tip.  You may thank me by visiting my website and purchasing a book or two.  Or watch a YouTube Mom video with your new, perfect vision!

Now You See It

          Have you ever heard of a painless migraine?  That’s exactly what I get from time to time.  So how do I know I’m even having one? Because suddenly my field of vision turns into a geometric light show, with sparkling prisms and zig zags, like a kaleidoscope, only clear.  Imagine seeing this:

Only without the color.  Scientists describe it as broken glass and shimmering shards.

  It isn’t really blindness, but it does impair your vision for 20 minutes or so, until it goes away.

Some eye doctors call these auras “fortification illusions” because they look like castle rooflines.  Although, as one who actually sees them, I can tell you that castle is having a major earthquake.

 They’re actually quite beautiful and intriguing, something people try to approximate with art and photography, but not very accurately:

          And apparently there are triggers that cause the genetically predisposed to have these little eyeball theatrics.  

          I thought I’d look up the triggers so I can avoid them.  They include certain cheeses,  caffeinated drinks, red wine, smoked meats, food additives such as MSG, artificial sweeteners, cigarette smoke, perfumes and other strong odors, glaring or flickering lights, lack of sleep, emotional stress, loud sounds,  anxiety, relaxation after a period of stress, foods containing nitrates (hotdogs and luncheon meats), sausage, smoked fish, soy, fava beans, hormonal fluctuations, and even changing weather. 

          So, basically, everything.  I mean the weather, seriously?  Luckily, nobody thinks these sudden acid trips without the acid are harmful, but there are cases of people acquiring Foreign Accent Syndrome (FAS) from such migraines.  Yes, that’s honestly a thing-- People suddenly start speaking with accents from other countries!   If you’re from the U.S. you might suddenly have a South African Accent, or if you’re from England, you might sound German.  These are documented cases, folks.  And I, for one, would like to choose my accent and I want one of those darling Scottish or Irish Brogues.

I also plan to start that Irish dancing immediately, so I can get one of those cute costumes.  Although, since I won’t be able to see where I’m going, I’ll probably crash into a tree.  And then I’ll probably wake up speaking with a Mongolian accent.  But that’s okay because those dancers have cute outfits, too.  Pretty much a win-win.

Have you visited my website, lately?  You’ve got to see the new music video right there on the home page.  And then click the TV tab so you can watch my YouTube Mom segments on Good Day Sacramento.