Joke Alarm?

          Let me tell you about that shrill whistle you hear. It’s my smoke alarm, and it goes off literally ANYTIME I cook.  Mind you, it’s not my cooking—well not every time-- although I imagine my neighbors wonder about that.

          Here’s the real story. It turns out you need a vent through the wall, to the outside of your home. In my case, I have a microwave oven above my stove, and was told it had a vent that would pull the stove’s steam up and away.

          This is an absolute lie. Sorry, but St. Bob recently gave a “presentation” as he called it, to a houseguest. He held a paper napkin under the microwave, where it appeared to be getting drawn towards the microwave.

          Then he held it above the microwave, and whaddayaknow—it fluttered, showing that the steam was coming right back out of the top!

          So we’ve been duped. Turns out boop-boopy doop is really spelled dupe. 

          To remedy our predicament and save our hearing, we must now hire a handyman to install an exterior vent.  At which point our neighbors will probably assume that I finally took cooking lessons.

          Did you know I have hundreds of Youtube Mom life hacks online? Who knows—maybe this microwave conspiracy will become one of them!

I Will Never Make These Recipes

          I am an organized type of person.  My favorite recipes—hundreds of them-- are in plastic page protectors in their appropriate binders:

          And I love to cook (you know I’ve won dozens of cook-offs), so I’m not afraid of attempting a complicated recipe on occasion, such as my lemon souffle:  

          But my prize-winning creations are all fairly simple, which is usually the only kind that can win a contest.  They may be creative, but they are all do-able, even by non-foodies:

So believe me when I say I sympathize with my friends who refuse to delve into the difficult.  Life is hard enough without making the daily act of eating into an Olympic event.

          I have therefore compiled a list of 15 reasons why you are totally justified refusing to make a recipe:

1-       It has more than five ingredients

2-      One of the ingredients says “available in Asian and specialty markets”

3-      It has the word “Diet” in the title

4-      One of the steps is “chill overnight”

5-      It calls for Star Anise, Ribbon Fruit, curry leaf, or minced Jalapenos

6-      It claims to be better than sex, and it won’t be

7-      You need a rasp, a mandolin, a stove top smoker, and a bamboo steamer basket to make it

8-      The last line is “Serve at once…”

9-      It says “serves 12” and you have three

10-    It involves more than two mixing bowls

11-     It starts with one cup of clotted cream

12-    It can stick to the sides of the baking dish

13-     It requires deep-frying oil, which will spatter your entire kitchen.

14-    It claims to be an excellent source of fiber.

15-     It says, “may curdle,” “may boil over,” or “may crack.”

          Let’s eat well, let’s enjoy life, but let’s not stress ourselves into a knot of worry just preparing daily fare.  Better yet, let’s eat out and let someone else do the cooking!

Be sure to read “Sisters in the Mix,” my comedy about a woman who has both OCD and a cooking show.  You can find it here.