What's the Last Thing You Looked Up?

           I wonder if the FBI or the CIA will look at my search history someday and conclude that I’m some kind of criminal. Most other writers share my problem.

          For example, I recently wrote about Tiddly Winks. That seems pretty harmless. But what about searching for ways someone can choke on one?

          Here are some other things I've asked the all-knowing internet:

          What are some things that can explode if they’re in your car and you hit a bump?

          How about ways you can train a cat to steal jewelry (a true cat burglar), and also how to drop him on a roof from a drone.

          If someone is trapped in freezer, how long before they die?

          What’s the most sarcastic animal?

          Where is the most common place kidnappers hide their victims?

          Can you make a cake using household cleanser for the flour?

          Can a policeman get sued if he shoves a prisoner into the squad car and the prisoner bumps his head on the roof of the car?

          Can a lawyer quit in the middle of a trial because she realizes her robbery client is actually a serial killer?

          What makes someone a compulsive liar?

          What is the worst natural smell a human can generate?

          Can a judge get away with murder if he hires the hit man, and then sets him free in court?

          Hey, enquiring minds, you know.

          Meanwhile, I’m making harmless Youtube Mom videos, filled with innocent—but clever and easy—life hacks. Check ‘em out!

         

Come One, Come All!

          I’m excited. I love teaching writing and on Saturday, September 14^th I get another opportunity. I teach what to do, and I also teach what not to do. One of the nots is overwriting. Recently I came across an ad for a simple blazer, with this description:

          A crisply chic mandarin collar meticulously-constructs this eclectic overpiece, lending an individualistic essence that's immeasurably maximized. Rendering a dedication to craftsmanship in a figure-skimming iteration, this fashion-focused twill jacket is developed through time-honored techniques and tailored touches.

          I know, excruciating. A dense forest of verbiage that could choke the hungriest herbivore.  Or verbivore.

          Sometimes people do this to show off their vocabulary, always a bad idea. When you’re trying to stump your readers, you lose them.  Other times it’s because the writer lacks confidence. They think they have to expound, embroidering until all you can see is the thread. But simple and concise is not only more professional, it’s more accessible.

          Perhaps Mark Twain, who was often paid by the word, said it best: “'I never write ‘metropolis’ for seven cents, because I can get the same money for ‘city.’”

          If you live anywhere in the Sacramento metropolis, er, city, come join the fun in Roseville from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m.  Here’s the link where you can register for this college extension class that will help anybody get organized and begin their novel, play, or short story. It’s called “Start with the Bones.”

         We have a winner!  The contest I ran, to name a character in my next book after someone who reviewed one of my 3 new novels (on Kindle and in paperback at Createspace.com) has ended. I drew the name of Valerie Steimle, who posted this 5-star review on Goodreads:

This book was such a great read!!!! The story has such drive you want to finish it in a day!!!

With the background in biology and anthropology, Joni Hilton has down a great job in writing such a believable story.

Clean and appropriate for teens to read.

          Thanks, Valerie! I don't know who you are, but I very much appreciate your wonderful review!  For those who haven't seen this one yet, it's about Nina, a girl who goes with her famous uncle on an anthropology expedition to an uncharted island in the Indian Ocean. It's filled with dangerous creatures, cannibals, and natives who wear glistening white crowns that unwrap into deadly whips. Storms, fire, murder, and greed for gold all shake the expedition, and only five of the seven members will return.  The customs and language here are unlike any other.  It’s a history-making opportunity for the the scientists, and for the girl who hopes to follow in her uncle's footsteps.  

But when she's rescued from a wild animal attack by a golden-haired native with brilliant green eyes, the entire plan changes.  Could he really be the infant son of an English scientist who died here 20 years ago?  What does it mean when she alone is allowed into the cemetery, then into the women’s hut?  And why did she wake up covered with orchids?  Will Nina forget about this jungle man and his dangerous island, and go back to her studies, or give it all up for love?

 

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Sharing reviews today!  First up, thanks to Jennie Hansen for reviewing my new comedy novel, SISTERS IN THE MIX, available at Amazon and Createspace.com.  You can read that review here: http://www.ldsmag.com/article/1/12298

And thanks to the gifted director, Gina Bikales, for the recent production of "IN BED WITH CHUCK AND LOIS" in Rancho Mirage, and for writing this in her Director's Notes:
"I have such a good time directing Joni Hilton's work and the reasons are simple.  Joni is a writer who knows how to write the truth.  There is not a situation she tackles that doesn't ring true.  Every single one of us can relate to something in her plays, whether it is the relationship of spouses to each other, how we see our children, or if our bodies measure up to the Hollywood standard of perfection.  She nails it every time.  Joni is also one of those rare writers who can elicit gales of laughter without ever resorting to the dropping of "F-Bombs" or other assorted questionable language.  Her humor works without cheap tricks or shocks.  Ms. Hilton writes real sentences with well thought out vocabulary.  It's a rarity these days..."

And thanks to Bruce Fessier of THE DESERT SUN who wrote of the same play, "... her humor was effective because it resonated with truths that bonded the audience... the split second timing directed by Gina Bikales gave the dialogue extra bite, but it was Hilton's observations of how men and women think that had my wife and I laughing so hard we were almost embarrassed by what it revealed about us.  Bikales says it will that $6,000 to $7,000 to get this one-set play mounted at a legit theater.  That's a wise investment.  This play can have a life in stock theater."

He Said, She Said

One of the hallmarks of an amateur is the way they handle dialogue. They can't believe that "said" is enough, and they have their characters blurting, exclaiming, postulating, and retorting. If you've done your job right and given your readers well defined characters and believable things to say, you shouldn't need to tell the reader HOW the line was said. When a woman walks in on her husband having an affair, we don't have to be told how she delivers the line, "How could you?"

Some writers feel they get into a rut using "said" all the time. This happens for two reasons. One, they don't realize that "said" is a great little word we don't mind seeing frequently. The other is that they don't know how to show which person is speaking any other way than to keep repeating, "Joe said" then "Sam said," then "Joe said" again.

First of all, when only two people are speaking, it's often obvious whose line it is, and you don't have to spell it out. Also, you can establish the speaker by using action. Here's an example of both:

Joe turned back. "You coming with us?"

Sam looked up from the television, then back to the show. "I don't think so."

Joe threw his jacket across the leather wingback. "You never go anywhere. You can't just stay here like a hermit."

"I go places."

"The mailbox doesn't count."

Sam clicked the remote. "I like it here."

"Whatever." Joe grabbed his jacket and headed out.

See how the dialogue flows without anyone having to retort or exclaim? And you know who's speaking because you're describing their actions. Mentally immerse yourself in the scene and you'll see what they're doing. Then describe it and the question of who's speaking will answer itself.

Write What You Know

I was sitting in a class at USC, in the Professional Writing Program, when a young woman confessed that she had a hard time writing because she was "young and hadn't experienced anything yet." How wise she was to recognize the importance of experience. And how smart we would all be, as writers, if we realized that everything we go through is grist for the mill. Even our bad experiences teach us something and give us wisdom. Our trials, our adversity-- it can all work its way onto the printed page.

So my message for you today is to use your experiences and write what you know. From the city where you grew up, to the jobs you've had, to the people in your world-- these are the elements that will give authenticity to your work.

I just listed a YA adventure romance with Kindle and CreateSpace. It's called "JUNGLE" and it takes place on an uncharted island in the Indian Ocean. Now, I'm not an anthropologist (though I loved those college classes), and I'm certainly not a cannibal, but I used life experience to create villains, heroes, and real romance. Research helped fill in the details about sailing, botany, language, and primitive cultures.

In another of my Kindle books, "SISTERS IN THE MIX" I drew heavily on my actual life. This is a humorous chick-lit novel about an obsessive-compulsive woman with a cooking show, whose flamboyant sister moves in and creates all kinds of chaos for the main character. I don't have OCD, but I've lived long enough to know lots of people who do, so that made writing about it easy. I used to host a daily TV talk show. I've won tons of recipe contests. I like word puzzles and sometimes correct the grammar on signs. I have a husband and kids. So my actual life experience helped me include those details and write about these people in a setting I know well.

Look at your life and take a stab at a story that incorporates the elements you know best. That's how to best write a story that will ring true to your reader.

Of Heroes and Villains

Lots of writers love their protagonists so much that they can't bear to be hard on them. This is a huge mistake. You will not have a good story if your hero is so superlative that nobody can match him. Whether it's a hero or heroine, the same rule applies: Your villain must match in strength and wits.

Think about it-- your hero conquers whatever or whomever his challenge was, but it was a man of straw, someone anybody could have defeated. Not much of a story, is it? You need to make your villain as vile as your hero is wonderful. Make him even stronger if you like. Make him relentless, formidable, diabolical. Make the reader wonder how the hero will ever prevail against such a terrible opponent. Now you have suspense and the interest of your reader.

Even in a comedic chick-lit book, you have to remember to balance the protagonist and the antagonist. In "Sisters in the Mix," I created a woman who has OCD, hosts a cooking show, corrects grammar on public signs, and wants a world of neatness and order. Who descends into her structured little world? Her nemesis--a flaky, bohemian artist sister who undermines her parenting and even wrangles her way onto the cooking show. Each is as strong as the other as they butt heads.

And remember, nobody is all good or all bad. Give your hero flaws, and give your villain virtues. Then it will not only ring truer, but it will give each character room to grow and change, for better or worse.

Do You Have the Discipline to Write?

Besides being a writer, I'm a foodie. I love cooking and have won many cook-offs and recipe contests. When I read a recipe I can tell immediately if it will work. This is far more crucial with baking than with cooking, because baking is an actual science. If you leave out the flour, say, it won't work. If you leave out even SOME of the flour, it won't work.

What does this have to do with writing? Flour is like discipline. You can have all the other ingredients (raw talent, ideas, an eye for detail, etc.) but if you lack discipline, you will never succeed at writing. Or singing. Or dance. Or art. Or sports. There are so many talented people out there WHO WILL NEVER MAKE IT because, despite being phenomenally gifted, they don't have the discipline to take their craft to the next level.

You can't just like writing. You can't just love writing. You can't just have a bucket full of terrific ideas. You must be someone who can roll up their sleeves, ignore the flu, hunker down, and work hard. Every day. Even when there's a chocolate silk pie in the fridge. Even when your best friend wants to go to lunch. Even when a new movie just opened. Even when it's a beautiful day to go sailing. All the talent in the world will not make up for the inability to sacrifice. And, oddly enough, a mediocre writer can actually surpass the talented one if he simply has that dogged determination to complete a task. Writing success, like baking success, requires the right ingredients. And discipline, like flour, is not one you can leave out.