Ready, Set, Reconsider

          We all have dream careers that never actually materialized. Some people wish they could have been astronauts, ballerinas, professional athletes. I will tell you mine. Okay, one of mine: Race car driver.

          This comes as no surprise whatsoever to those who have ridden with me. And I posted here about my race—in the family mini-van—at the local speedway.

          But what I really want is a job that lets me go any speed I want, on any road. Such a job does not exist unless I switch species and become a bug. And we all know how some of them end up. BUT… the closest appears to be Ambulance Driver, right? So I called to see how to apply.

          It turns out you have to become an actual Emergency Medical Tech to do this!  To drive!  I explained that someone should be the getaway, I mean the official driver, and that others can perform the medical tasks. They said no.

          And then, ta-da!  Good friends of our have a son who’s a paramedic a couple of hours away!  They came for dinner and he said he’d see if he could let me on as a ride-along. Can you believe my amazing luck? Granted, it’s not a full time gig, but at least I could fulfill my fantasies one time.

          But then he said two things that changed my mind. One, you might see horrific things you cannot un-see later. Yikes. I was just thinking about the front seat and forgot about the action in the back. 

And second, they don’t even speed! WHAAAT?  It’s true. They even have some gizmo in the truck that measures their speed. And they are very careful not to veer and zoom. They just get other cars to pull over, and while you’re sitting there it seems like they’re speeding.

Well, this defeats the whole point! So now I have to go back to the race track, apparently. Or, I could follow the sterling example of a woman in Oregon whose exploits were recently printed in The Oregonian with the headline: OREGON WOMAN STEALS AMBULANCE AS MEDICS PERFORM CPR, GOES ON WILD 30-MILE JOYRIDE, COPS SAY. 

"Why did they leave it unlocked?" Christy Lynn Woods allegedly asked a Roseburg police officer after Sunday's ambulance chase.

          And I think we can all agree that this requires a special kind of negative number in the common sense department. Especially since the medics needed to get someone to the hospital, hello?

          So my emergency vehicle speeding plan is permanently shelved. Shoulda picked ballerina.

But you may live all kinds of exciting fantasy lives just reading my books. Probably safer, too.

     

Run, Run, as Fast as You Can!

          Apparently I’m running in a marathon.  Last week I got three emails thanking me for registering, giving me the details, and notifying me that I’ve been charged $44.00.  Okay, maybe this is a 10K, not an actual marathon, but I have as much chance of running in one as in the other.

          Obviously the other Joni Hilton, who actually signed up, gave them the wrong email address (mine), but thankfully her credit card does not match mine. I spent at least an hour trying to find a phone number or even an email address on their website, and finally resorted to telling them about the problem in a trouble-shooting comment line. After all, I do not want my poor double to wonder if they got her payment. (And if she wins, I'm framing the headline.)

          One of our sons is married to a girl whose parents actually do run in marathons, including the Boston Marathon.  They are major, serious runners. I, on the other hand, have toyed with the idea of wearing a T-shirt that says, “I RAN A MARATHON” and then below that, in tiny letters: “sign-up booth.” 

          I could sit in a chair, take their money, and hand them a T-shirt all day long.  And, if someone would bring in lunch, I could sit there from sun-up to sun-down. I’d even throw in water bottles.

          I do like the idea of raising money for good causes, which many of these races do.  But until they have a 1/32 K, which would be about 100 feet long, I shall work on increasing my typing speed.  And why aren’t there races for that?

          Race to my website here, and see how fast you can buy my books. Maybe you’ll set a world record!