The Klutz Olympics

           Once again, I have come up with a great idea. The Olympics just started and we are watching people who are so athletic that they seem to be created by animators. I fully expect one of them to leap into the air and zoom about like Superman, using their country’s flag as a cape.

          So here’s my thought. What if, next, we had The Klutz Olympics? As a certified klutz, I can assure you that normally coordinated people cannot fake this, not even clowns, not even actors playing klutzy characters. Those of us who are truly clumsy recognize a well-rehearsed fall or fumble. Nope, you’d have to be a genuine klutz to qualify.

          And then, videographers would simply film us going about our day. Bumping into door jambs, knocking over water bottles, tripping over chairs. Hey—we don’t even need trainers!  Nor do we need to devote hours and hours to practice. We simply do what comes naturally and get medals.

          I can visualize my edited video. It would look like yesterday, in the car with St. Bob.  I was trying to get into the car carrying a box and it smacked me in the face somehow. We drove to the post office where I was going to pop in and mail it.

          Joni: I can’t believe I hit my nose with that box!

Bob: I can.  (Hands me his wallet)

Joni: What if I lose the money? What if I lose your credit card? 

Bob: You’ve already lost it.

          Joni (baring teeth, trying to look tough): I’ll be right back. (And then I tripped up the stairs and dropped the box, my knees and hands slapping the cement.)

          I’m telling you, if we had a Klutz Olympics I’d win, hands and knees down.

          Klutzy or not, I do have hundreds of cool life hacks  on my Youtube channel.  Check ‘em out!

A Vile Situation

          Can I please be in the Vial Olympics? I don’t expect to be in the real ones. Heck, I doubt they’d even give someone this unathletic a seat on the back row.

          But blood samples I got.  At my last lab appointment, this is what I saw waiting for me on the table:

          That’s right. SEVENTEEN vials to fill. Have you ever heard of such a collection? There should be several gold medals hanging around my neck right now. Although I’d probably be too weak to support them and they’d pull me down onto the floor.

          It’s not that I don’t appreciate thorough testing.  It’s that I start to wonder if this sort of thing could be sponsored by the transfusion center. And how can you get an accurate reading of anemia if you withdraw all your blood? (Yes, I came out anemic.)

          Seriously, doesn’t this make you want to start humming that old “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall” song, only with the lyrics, “99 vials of blood on the wall”?

          Among the many tests we ran, one was for my Vitamin B-12 count. You’ll like this.  The normal range is from 211 to 911 pg/mL.  Guess what mine was?

                                       5,353

That’s right. Five THOUSAND something.  And I don’t get a gold medal for this? I say it’s just time to end all the vial-ence.

Time to check out my short Youtube Mom life hack videos, too, before I keel over. 

The Olympics, New and Improved

          Someone recently pointed out to me that I have not blogged about the Olympics.  Yes, they took place in a city virtually begging to be blogged about with rampant crime, warnings about swallowing more than two tablespoons of river water, athletes renting cruise ships to sleep and eat on, rather than take their chances in Rio, and virus-carrying mosquitoes that made some athletes stay away altogether.  It was like a disaster movie set.

          And, of course, there were champions to cheer for and exciting moments as well.  BUT… what I think I’ll blog about are my vast and varied ideas for Olympic events that ought to be. My list is more inclusive than the Olympic Committee’s, and could involve people of all cultures and ages, even you and I. Herewith, my 15 suggestions:

1.       Uneven parallel bathroom wallpapering.  

2.      Wrestling a resistant child into boots, parka, gloves and hat.

3.      Speed shopping.

4.      Running cross-country after the garbage truck.

5.       Balancing while putting on pantyhose.

6.      Diving into holiday decorating.

7.       Synchronized sandwich making.

8.      Tug o’War Gum removal from a child’s hair.

9.      Curling one’s nostrils during in-law’s visit.

10.     Shot-putting cell phones.

11.     Dry Cycling Laundry folding (extra points for contour sheets).

12.     De-bathlon :Bathtub scrubbing after teenager works on his car.

13.     Triathlon Diaper changing (of triplets).

14.     Freestyle Leftovers disguising.

15.     Computer Diving: Your monitor gets to dive off the board into a very deep pool.  You know you’ve dreamed of that.

And then, as all good athletes must rest and renew, you can put your Nike-sponsored feet up and enjoy my latest novel, Golden.