Step This Way

           You can’t believe what I’ve joined. It’s a family step challenge. On my cell phone. Now, mind you, our grown kids are fitness fanatics (they did not get this from me) and St. Bob actually enjoys working out.

          But I’m always running around, you know—speaking the language of running errands—so I figured I’d keep up just fine. Nope. Within a day or two these fanatics are posting 11,000 steps, 9,000 steps, 7500 steps, and I am posting 349.

          I am not accustomed to losing by this much, which is why I have always avoided this very sort of competition. So, as one does, I immediately looked for an explanation, and here’s what I’ve concluded:

          These wackos have all started teaching salsa dance classes.

          Or, they are tying their cell phones to the pendulum of a clock, or to a squirrel.

          Or, some enterprising person who spins advertising signs on the corner has one that says, “Will spin your phone for $10,” and has a dozen phones duct-taped to his sign. My children are his best customers.

         Or, my kids are driving all about, but they have terrible shock absorbers, so their phones are bouncing along, accruing “points.”

          My phone, meanwhile, remains in my purse, unaware that I am walking through Sam’s Club-- a true warehouse-- going up and down the stairs with laundry, or walking laps in the kitchen as I cook.

          So I have a new challenge idea. How about we compare scores on Wordle?  I have 15,722.  Anyone? Anyone?

          AND I walk around in my Youtube Mom videos sometimes, so I can bring you short, fabulous life hacks right here.

A Perfect Fit

          Sometimes people ask me when I find time to write.  And it’s pretty much when everybody else is at the gym. 

          If you’ve been following this blog, you’ve read my thoughts about visiting a gym here, and trying a spinning class here. From the time I was a wee child—okay, a teenager in high school—I have been finagling my way out of gym class, even getting a doctor’s note one time. But now (drum roll here) I am thinking about opening my own fitness place!

          Here is my plan:  First of all, we rename it.  Joni’s gym will be called FITLESS CENTER.  It will only cost ten bucks a month, and you do not need to buy workout clothes, a gym bag, or special shoes. You just need to walk in the door and sit down.

          All the stools will spin, and you can spin round and round without working up one drop of sweat.  You will notice these stools are very close to a dessert bar where you can enjoy any number of donuts, pastries, and ice cream confections. 

           Instead of a yoga mat, you will be given a place mat.  Instead of free weights, you will be given free waiters.

          Behind the waiters will be a mirrored wall where you can see how happy everyone there looks. 

           You will immediately notice the stark contrast to the expressions at the “other gym” and you will smile. You will even think how CrossFit makes you Cross and Fit, a combination that is not worth it.

You can wear ear buds if you wish, but then you might not hear the specials (Meyer lemon cheesecake, salted caramel truffles).  There will be lots of lively conversation, because this is a happy place filled with happy people.  When you leave, you will not have to wipe down any equipment or take a shower.  No one will make you feel inferior by talking about how much they lifted that day, or when their next marathon is. Instead, you will all recommend delicious dishes to one another, and feel the joy of sharing a great tip for next time. 

You will drive out onto the street, and somehow no other drivers will irritate you.  The sun will shine brighter, the trees will look greener, and all will seem well with the world. I think I'm onto something here.

And then you can go home, read my new book, GOLDEN, and the day will be perfect.  Order it in paperback or on Kindle.