AMAZING NEWS!

           I am gob-smacked. Wait until you hear this fabulous news.  First, St. Bob took me to McDonald’s for a soft serve vanilla ice cream cone.  It was a hot day and I lapped it up like a grateful rescue dog.

          And then he smiled and said, “Want another one?”  OH. MY. GOSH.  Have you ever, in your life, considered this?  Folks, we can have TWO. Just because you’ve stopped at one for your entire life, doesn’t mean you have to continue.

          You can actually go up to the counter and order another. The Ice Cream Police will not burst in and arrest you.

          My eyes must have looked like this:

          And there was a lovely bonus. A hubby who isn’t always trying to get you to slim down.  Ahhh… Heavenly.

I’m pretty sure you can eat ice cream and simultaneously watch my Youtube Mom channel for quick life hacks.

Almost Crazy

           Yesterday I was driving along behind a car that had a sticker on the back which said, Santa Girl.

          Well, kindred spirit, here!  I have an entire guest bedroom, as you recall, decorated for Christmas year-round.

         I smiled and thought, “Maybe I’ll follow her and tell her I’m a Santa girl, too!”  Or I could pull up beside her, motion for her to roll down her window, and shout the same thing.

          Folks, you will be glad I did not do either of those things. As I followed her for a few more blocks, I realized the sticker (written in a very difficult font, by the way) actually said, “Santa Cruz.” 

         
This is a beach town about 2 and ½ hours away, known for its amusement park boardwalk, surfing, and lovely beaches.  

Apparently she likes that more than Christmas. What is the world coming to?

Stay home where you cannot mis-read bumper stickers, and watch my Youtube Mom channel, full of quick life hacks.

Bilingual... ish

           The other day I met someone who can’t speak Pig Latin. This always surprises me because, like jumping rope or skipping, it just seems like a required part of childhood.

          So I thought I’d write a blog for all those people who perhaps speak Spanish, French, Italian, Japanese, Norwegian, and Swahili—yet have not mastered this secret language.

          And here’s the real secret: You’re already speaking it!  Yes, my friends, once again I have compiled a blog unlike any other. I have found four—count ‘em, four—English words that also double as Pig Latin!

          Let’s begin with a word we’ve all used: Ebay.  This is Pig Latin for be.  Or bee.  I-yay E-say Un-way Ebay. It means, “I see one bee.”

          Outstay is another one. It means to overstay, as in many a visiting relative.  You will find it in Pig Latin if you’re trying to say, ‘Stout.”  This is a word that is both a noun (describing a dark beer) or an adjective (describing a strong or chubby person).

          And in either case, it is pronounced, “Outstay” in Pig Latin. The “st” blend stays together.

          Next we have the word, obey. It’s Pig Latin for Bow, which has too many meanings to list here (bow tie, bow and arrow, a violin’s bow, etc.).  Pig Latin rules are that you must put the first consonant after the word, with “ay” following.  This gives you “Oh Bay.”

          “Airway” is the last word, and it’s Pig Latin for “wear.” It comes from putting that W at the end, followed by “ay.”   “Can you wear this hat?” becomes “An-cay oo-yay airway is-thay at-hay?”  Soon you’ll be absolutely fluent at the Bay of Pigs, England’s Swine village, or even Hogwarts.

          Ow-nay  oo-yay  ow-knay.

While practicing this marvelous tongue, watch any of the hundreds of short life hacks on my Youtube Mom channel!

Getting Things Down Pat

           Ever been patted on the head?  How about in the middle of the night?

          My first thought was, “Why is St. Bob patting me on the head and waking me up?”

          And my second thought was, “Are you KIDDING me?  I’m patting my own head?  At three in the morning?  Am I NUTS?”

          Well the answer to that is probably yes, though I can’t remember the dream that made me do that. Also, I was not trying to rub my stomach at the same time, in case you were wondering.

          All I can surmise is that I was a very, very good girl.  Right?

         Be sure to subscribe to my Youtube Mom channel, where you can find hundreds of life hacks!

Making Things Harder Just Because

           Do we really need cumbersome words when simple ones will do? I’ve somehow gotten onto the mailing lists of several sites that share long doozies that will only make us look ridiculous if we use them:

          Terpsichorean. This relates to dancing. “Oh, her terpsichorean skills were amazing.”  Pedantic + Snooty = You will never get invited back.

          Sprachgefuhl. This means a sense of the natural character of a language.  Give me a break—you use this word and no one will think you have it!

          Veridical.  First of all, people will think you’re trying to say vertical. It means true to reality, but why not just say true to reality?

          Eidolon.  This is an idealized person or thing. In this time of scrutiny and criticism, does anyone even do this anymore?

Obnubulate. This means to darken or shadow something. Can’t you just picture yourself saying, “I hope those Tenebrous clouds don’t obnubulate our wedding.”  Then, “Hey, where did the groom go?  Honey?  Honey?”

          Horripilation. Okay, I’ll admit I like this one, but only because it sounds like something horrible.  It actually means the hair on our skin standing up due to cold or fear.

          I think I’ll end with Peripeteia, because it’s something all of us would like: it’s a suddenly reversal of fortune.  Although we only want that one if it’s a grand surprise in the upward direction, right?

          While you await your peripeteia, check out my Youtube Mom videos for hundreds of easy life hacks.

Inside Info

          You think you speak English fluently. You think you have a decent vocabulary.  And then you meet someone so embedded in their hobby, that they have an entire vocabulary you’ve never heard of. 

          Just talk to a pro wrestler. You’ll hear about “blading,” where these guys actually cut themselves with a “gig” razor blade to create drama and look injured. A “job” is losing a match so the other guy will look stronger. Some wrestlers have no other job than to be a jobber.  “Kayfabe” is keeping the script a secret. It goes on and on.

          Let’s jump to the inside lingo of cat shows. “Furnishings” are not the number of sofas a cat has torn to shreds, but the hair inside the ears. A “UFO” is not a space traveling cat, but the United Feline Organization. And “Cat wash” is not a typo of car wash, but can be a bathing bag that supposedly keeps owner and cat calm during the bathing process. But it isn’t all hoity toity, there’s also the “Moggy,” a cat show for non-pedigreed cats.  

         We all like movies, but that world has its own secret language as well. The electrician is called the “Juicer.” A “Barney” is a blanket used to muffle camera noise. A “Blimp” is a box that does the same thing. A “Dope Sheet” isn’t a list of idiots on the set; it’s a list of scenes that have already been filmed. A “Squib” is a capsule of fake blood, used to look like a bullet wound (and wouldn’t this be useful to the wrestlers?) Finally, “Alan Smithee” is the only pseudonym a director can use if it’s a real stinker and they don’t want to be associated with it!

          The game show, Truth or Consequences, used to pick someone from the audience to “speak” in their occupational lingo. I watched, as a kid, fascinated. Little did I know I’d grow up to marry St. Bob, who hosted that show after Bob Barker!  And yes, like all couples, we have our secret language, too. But those examples are, well, secret.

But it's no secret that you can learn hundreds of fast life hacks right here, on my Youtube Mom channel.

Is Your Blinker Still On? And Can it Do This?

          Yes, we’ve all thought about our car’s blinkers. Some of us have not used them lately (thank you, not), but most of us are pretty good at indicating we are planning to turn.

          However, St. Bob and I just bought a new car and I have discovered an unmentioned fabulous feature: Blinkers that sound like the coconuts in Monty Python’s Quest for the Holy Grail.

          Yes, every time I turn my blinkers on, I picture Arthur “galloping” up to the castle with his trusty servant, Patsy. He wants to ask the master of the castle if he’d like to join his court at Camelot.

Alas, having no horses, Arthur’s got Patsy banging two empty coconut halves together as they run along, trying to simulate the sound of galloping. Hilarious.

The guard at the top of the castle questions him about where he got the coconuts, England being a temperate climate and coconuts being tropical. Another guard joins the discussion, as they argue about birds that could migrate carrying heavy coconuts, and Arthur finally gives up, “galloping” away.

It's usually just in time for me to make my turn.

But if you’re home—not in your car—you can watch hundreds of short life hacks on my Youtube Mom channel!