Grammar's Underwear

           It’s been a while since I’ve griped about grammar, so I’m going to share some of my biggest peeves with you. See if you share my same sighs. Or size.

          First, it’s the lend and loan confusion that seems to be increasing. “Can you loan me ten bucks” should really be “lend me ten bucks.” (Although with today’s inflation, you should probably ask for twenty, not ten.)

          I loaned her my book, you can loan him a pen, here—I’ll loan you my car, my brother loaned me this jacket… on and on.  People act as if the word, “lend” is nonexistent. But lend is the verb and loan is the noun. You lend a loan.  And sometimes I guess you lend alone as well.

          This sign reminds us to add "ly" in such situations. I must admit to defacing a few signs with my black Sharpie, in similar fashion.          

          Next is the less and fewer problem.  I was in Sephora the other day and saw a makeup brand that claimed less wrinkles. Sorry, I will never buy that brand. It should say “fewer wrinkles.”  Less describes an adjective. Less expensive, less difficult, less colorful, less bulky, less exciting.

          Fewer is the word so many people really want, when they’re using “less.”  Fewer minutes, fewer people, fewer miles, fewer problems, fewer costs, fewer pounds, fewer years.  Fewer modifies nouns.  Fewer wrinkles, unless you worry about grammar like I do.

           There, their, and they're. We see these used incorrectly on social media posts, billboards, just about everywhere:

            But on an ad for educational software? C'mon.   

            Your and you're still stump some folks. But again, on a junior high sign? We live in sad times.

    

            Finally, I still cringe when people put “at” at the end of a sentence. Let's see where we're at. Where should I call you at?  Where is your car at? These should all become “Let's see where we are.” “Where should I call you?” and “Where is your car?”  The at is already implied by the word, where, so adding it to the end of the sentence is redundant.
          I have considered opening an email account called neverendwith@ but can’t decide if all the explaining will be worth it.

          Okay, I have vented. Thank you for lending me your ear; I now have fewer worries and less stress.  We can all have more peace, wherever we are.

          Time to order Christmas gifts—my book, “A Little Christmas Prayer” is ideal for everyone. And inexpensive, too. Find it right here.

A Stickler for Details

          Quick quiz: When was Joni most likely to get caught breaking a law? Answer: When she took a Sharpie pen over to the local high school at night, and corrected the punctuation on a sign that said, SLOW STUDENTS AHEAD.

          So how can I possibly stay in a hospital bed beneath this sign?

          Why the arm is also a topography map escapes me.  But the more glaring problem is that the warning not to give injections or take blood pressure on the left arm has a misplaced apostrophe.  Sticks is plural. It is not a contraction and it is not possessive. Yet you see this all the time.  Slack’s on sale. Return shopping cart’s here.  Lower price’s. Free ticket’s.  It’s enough to put one in a straitjacke’t.

          Luckily our daughter, Nicole, was there. I asked her to find some white adhesive tape and cover the apostrophe.

          Finally the repair was made.  And then St. Bob found me a room with a view of Sutter’s Fort. Now that does have an apostrophe.

          Have you read Sisters in the Mix yet?  The main character has my same penchant for fixing signs. But she also has OCD, whereas I only have CPD (Correct Punctuation Desire).

Are You a Grammar Nerd?

Today I have a fun chart for you, sent to me by the incredibly nice folks at Grammarly.  Check it out and see if you're a Grammar Nerd! (Then visit jonihilton.com and buy my books!)

Where's Your Grammar At?

                We all have pet peeves.  And the older we get, the more of them we have.   My four kids can tell you that my absolute, Number One, top pet peeve (and I’m hoping yours is not redundancy) is when people end their sentences with the word “at.”   Whenever someone commits this grammar crime, my kids’ heads whip around to see if I am visibly wincing or able to conceal my pain.  It’s usually a combination of both.

                We’ve all heard it.  Let me see where he’s at.  Where’s your car at?  What time will you be there at?  Where is your mom at? 

                And if ever they cart me away to the funny farm, and people ask why, you can tell them I was pushed over the brink by a mountain of ats, piling up and pushing me to the edge, until finally I fell down the cliff into the Sea of Insanity. That’s where I will be at.

                This isn’t a picky rule, like not ending your sentences with a preposition and causing generations of pedantic people to say, “up with which we cannot put.”  It’s a rule that makes sense.  When you say “where IS” then you don’t also need AT.   When a clerk says, “Where is it at?” it takes Herculean restraint for me not to say, “You mean ‘where is it’.”  But kindness trumps rudeness, so I politely refrain from correcting people I did not give birth to.  Or, for those of you even more afflicted than I am, people to whom I did not give birth.

                The other pet peeve I shall share today is one most people have never thought about, and, possibly, might ruin the driving experience for you forevermore.  So stop reading now if this worries you.  No?  Okay, then I’ll tell you.  It’s  license plate frames that say “Alumni of” some university.

                Now, what’s wrong with pride in your alma mater?  Nothing.  The problem is that you are an alumnus, if male, or an alumna, if female.  No matter how many split personalities you may have, sadly, you are not an alumni, which is plural.  I suppose if you and your spouse both attended the school, and you’re both in the car together, then the sign would be correct.  But how often is this the case?  To sport this grossly incorrect sign discredits your school, no?  It would be like displaying a bumper sticker that says, “I’m a atterney.”  Or a librarian saying she works in the lye-berry.

                Sign manufacturers would do well to come up with a frame that simply says “alum,” which would be singular, and would cover both men and women.   Until then, I am keeping my thoughts to myself.  Well, except for blogging about them.  But we’re civilized folks, most of us, and it’s ill-mannered to correct people with poor grammar in any regard.  So if someone asks me where my husband is at, I'll just answer them.  And maybe I'll add that he's an alumnus of LSU.  Or not.

Grammar fanatics, I feel your pain.  You need to read my book, Sisters in the Mix, available on Kindle and in paperback at Createspace.com.  I think you'll like the main character.