April Day of Truth

            St. Bob and I were in Home Depot the other day and I suggested sticking adhesive linoleum tiles to the back of a buckling rug, since carpet tape is too flimsy.  “Wow, that’s really thinking outside the box,” the sales clerk said.

            I later whispered to Bob, “What he doesn’t know is that I live outside the box.  I’m so far away I can’t even see the box.”

             “You need to be boxed,” Bob said. And this may be true (but my box would have legs so I could run around and bug whomever I wish). 

            Anyway, you know how I like to turn things around and upside down, so here’s my out-of-the-box idea for revamping April Fools’ Day.  First of all, I hate April Fools’.  Yes, hate is a strong word.  But I hate being duped and then feeling like a dope.  I also hate tricking others and making them feel small and stupid.  It’s even worse, actually, because then I feel like a bully.  Clever foods, like cookies that look like tiny hamburgers, I am all for.  Bring ‘em on.  But not mean pranks.

           SO… to solve this horrible holiday horror, I propose we turn April 1^st into April Day of Truth.  Stay with me, because this could be far more hilarious than salt in a sugar jar.  Here’s how it would work:  For a solid day, people can only speak the absolute truth.  Here is how life would change immediately:

            Supermarket Checker:  Congratulations, Mrs. Hilton. Looks like we overcharged you four dollars and eleven cents today.

            Waiter: I’m not interested in how it’s going or if you’re enjoying your meal.

Mechanic: Your car needs no repairs whatsoever.

  Grocery clerk:  I don’t care if you’ve found everything you need, and also you’re in my way because I’m sweeping here.

            Vet: Your dog doesn’t really need all these tests, but I need the $600.00.

            Attorney: No, I probably won’t call you right back.  Not for days.

            Okay, maybe this is not such a hot idea.  Except for the mechanic, we would be bombarded with bad news.  Absolute honesty could completely ruin an otherwise pleasant day.   And, even though we know it’s not entirely sincere, well-mannered wishes for us to have a good day or enjoy our meal, make life more civil, if not downright enjoyable.  So not all outside-the-box ideas are good ones.  But at least they help me accept the status quo, and a few drops of green food coloring in the milk carton.

Here’s the perfect idea for you: Buy my books on kindle or in hard copies at 

this link.  No trick to this, whatsoever.