Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Kids Will Keep You Humble

            Some time ago I was putting on makeup in my bathroom.  I was wearing only my underwear, and was leaning into the mirror to deftly apply my eye shadow.  And there, in the reflection, I noticed my 12-year-old daughter, Nicole, in the background, watching me.
            Aww… she’s probably imagining the day when she can wear makeup, and is watching how I do it, I thought.  Carefully I stroked the blush across my cheeks, dabbed on some lipstick, feather-stroked my eyebrows.  I wanted to make this a perfect demonstration for my sweet daughter, who was still watching.

            After a few minutes of this, Nicole said, “Mom, do they make a butt bra?”
            Yes, dear readers, true story.  Instead of taking mental notes as I carefully applied my cosmetics, she was staring at my back side and, well, you can imagine what prompted her question.  There was nothing to do but bend over the sink, laughing.  Here I was so sure she was oozing admiration and instead it was pity at best.  Maybe fear for her own destiny.  I even put the incident in my book, Funeral Potatoes, and in my play, Does This Show Make My Butt Look Fat?
            But let’s think about that butt bra for a moment.  If fashion designers did come up with one, can you imagine the stampede?  We’d all rush out to purchase this gravity-defying wonder.  

 I suppose the straps would go over our shoulders, but that’s okay—we’re used to that.  Of course, heaven help you if one of the straps broke—you’d be unevenly humped, shall we say.

            And I’m even used to that!!  Yes, two exclamation marks that I only wish I could place slightly ajar, to emphasize the asymmetry we’re talking about.  Come to think of it, Nicole is responsible for this other example, as well.  When she was a baby she would only nurse on one side.  

            Oh, I tried to trick her and hold her like a football, but she was having none of it.  Thus I walked around lopsided for six months, like someone trying to affect a Quasimodo costume on the front.  

             I looked ridiculous.  It’s a wonder I didn’t get accused of shoplifting a cantaloupe at the grocery store.
            I suppose there are things you can do to fake a balanced bustline.  But our derrieres have, sadly, been forgotten by undergarment manufacturers. Sure, there are “body slimming” products, but they can’t work miracles.  What we really need to do is to walk on our hands.  Imagine the results!   

            Not only would our breasts and bottoms sag in the right direction, but our faces would get a lift as well.  Somebody might even think we’re street performers and give us money!  Younger-looking and richer!  Don’t say I never gave you a fabulous idea.
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