Tuesday, January 17, 2017


          Where do kidnappers get those black bags?  You know, the ones they put over victims’ heads?
          I cannot find these anywhere.  Not online, in drugstores, thrift stores, malls, not on Amazon, not even in Neiman Marcus.  Nowhere is such an item available.
          And yet we see them in the movies and on TV shows, ALL THE TIME. Every thug on the planet has access to these. Apparently they are even available in galaxies far, far away, because the new Rogue One Star Wars movie also uses them.
          Could it be that kidnappers always excelled in Home Economics, and they are sewing these up themselves?  Do they shop at JoAnn’s Fabrics for some sturdy black broadcloth, and then buy thick denim thread—and denim needles—then rush home and sew up a hood that can double as a pillowcase for a travel-sized pillow in the off-season?   Of course, I’m assuming kidnapping has an off-season, but I could be wrong.  This could be a year-round sort of thing.
          And what if the fabric isn’t thick enough and the victim can actually see through it?  Those bags are probably for sale in the clearance section of the Kidnapper Emporium, or wherever such products are sold.  I wonder if they also sell rope, duct-tape, and those little plastic zip ties.  I can imagine a bulk bin of magazine lettering for ransom notes.  After all, what kidnapper subscribes to magazines, and then has time to cut out all those letters? Those are probably sold by weight.
          Can you imagine the frustration of a kidnapper who gets home with his lettering, and then finds he’s short a couple of Es and an S?  Are you kidding me? I have to drive all the way back to K.E.??  (I’m guessing that’s what they call the Kidnapper Emporium.)
          And then, when the victim is shoved into an empty warehouse to make the video begging for help, wouldn’t it be more realistic if the first thing they said to their families was, “Just ignore my bag hair…” 
          Do you have any idea what it costs to rent a big, empty warehouse so you can make your ransom video? These spaces are not cheap. 
          And if they simply break in without asking, why don’t owners or policemen ever notice it and come to investigate?  Huge facilities like this are often guarded, protected by videocams, and equipped with alarms.  I’m just saying, a remote spot in the countryside might be a better choice.
          But I have no solution for the bag problem.
I have a fridge magnet that says, “Fat people are harder to kidnap.”  It’s gotta be true, right?  But if you are not fat enough, and you do get kidnapped, at least bring along one of my books to read while you sit there in captivity for hours on end.