Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Nurse Joni Strikes Again

            I like to think I am a wonderful nurse. 
           I am wrong. Case in point.  St. Bob comes down with a sore throat and a cold.  What do sensible people do in such a situation?  They drink plenty of liquids, get plenty of rest, and I forget the third one. Whatever.

             Bob gets home from work and I suggest we bundle up in blankets and watch TV—I’ll even pamper him and bring him treats.  “Hey,” I say, “some popcorn would be perfect!”  He agrees.  After all, this is a man who loves popcorn so much that he stops at movie theatres, talks his way in to the concession booth, buys popcorn and then leaves.

            “You know what?” I say, just as we’ve finished off the popcorn, “I think there’s some cake and ice cream in the kitchen!”  So I bring in two big slabs of cake heaped with scoops of vanilla caramel.
            By the time the third show is starting I have taken the plates back to the kitchen and noticed a bag of candy I am going to be using in one of my YouTube Mom videos.  May as well break it open for the patient, right?   So I bring it in and give him some candy for dessert.
            By bedtime he not only has a cold, but a stomach ache.  And then I realize I haven’t even made dinner—I’ve just been filling him up with junk food, grease, and sugar.  What was I thinking? People eat better than this at the circus!
            Now I feel terrible.  Instead of giving him nutritious, virus-fighting foods I have turned his illness into a party.  He is sneezing and coughing and getting worse because of me!  Only now does my brain click into gear and I offer to make him dinner.  But he’s full and doesn’t want any.  He can barely swallow the cold remedies I dash upstairs to get, all hours after the fact.
             How on earth did I raise four kids?  I guarantee I never did this to them.  But I’ll tell you, this is why middle aged women do not have children—that and the line you’ve heard that they’d put them down and forget where they left them.  Honestly, poor St. Bob, stuck with a nurse who’s losing her mind. You’ve heard of Nursing 101? Well this is more like Nursing Run-oh-Run.  Away.
Luckily, none of my books are medical texts, so you can buy them without fear of malpractice.  Although, in my defense, I will just remind you that laughter is the best medicine.

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