Friday, June 28, 2013

Could You Pass this Test?

             If you ask me, I spend entirely too much time in the Dollar Tree.  My determination to save a buck here and there has cost me dearly.

             Last week my friend, Cori, and I were cruising the aisles for craft supplies.  This is because we’re Mormons and every month we get craftsy.  Note the s, and do not think we are crafty, although I cannot speak for everyone.
At any rate, we plan a regular enrichment/lecture/party/humanitarian activity/something for the women.

  It always involves socializing and it always includes dinner or refreshments.  Mind you, “refreshments” is a loose term these days and could mean veggies and dip rather than brownies, thanks to the women who keep reading medical studies.

            Cori, it turns out, has a keen eye for comedy and told me she found an at-home drug testing kit that would make a hilarious follow-up gift to my husband’s entrapment, shall we say, by marijuana growers recently.  You can read about that here:
            For a dollar, a drug-testing kit makes a lovely gift, and you can quote me on that.

            Cori sees a young clerk in his twenties, I’d say, and asks him where these marvelous supplies might be.  Now picture this scene:  Here are two middle-aged women with a shopping cart, asking a lanky kid where we can find a marijuana-testing kit, and he looks up from where he is stocking shelves and says, “They’re up here, but you can always use Niacin.” Now.  What value would you place on advice you receive in the dollar store?  
            And how does Niacin work, exactly?  Well, dear readers, it turns out people take Niacin to pass drug tests at their work.

            And how does this fellow come by such rich information?  I leave it to you to deduce this young man’s extracurricular activities, but I’m going to make a wild guess that it doesn’t involve making crafts with a bunch of Mormon women in an LDS chapel.
            “We look like we use drugs?” I whisper to Cori.  I’ve been accused of some shocking things (looking pregnant when I’m not, for one), but never this.  All I wanted was a gag gift for St. Bob!  Maybe this conversation is itself a test, and there’s a candid camera somewhere, taping our reaction.  I feel my eyes jerking sideways in an involuntary search for people I might recognize, who can overhear this guy’s expert counsel for my clearly desperate situation.
            I can feel the heat creeping up my neck as I purchase the kit.  Thankfully, it gets stuffed into a bag with craft items where I can carry it to my car anonymously.  I don’t look around for the Niacin guy.  I don’t look around for cops.  We just drive away and I feel at least a little relieved that no one offered me a home pregnancy testing kit as well.
Here’s an even bigger bargain: Subscribe to this blog for free!  Not even the Dollar Store can beat that.

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