12 Reasons You Shouldn't Be on a Reality Show

 1-         You’re too chipper.  The last time you lost your temper was during the Carter administration. 

2-         You don’t look good enough in a swimsuit; the others would ignore you.

3-         You look too good in a swimsuit; the others will despise you.

 4-         You’re a peace maker, and would try to get everyone else to get along, or at least join you in singing a few show tunes. 

5-         You don’t have enough tattoos. 

6-         You don’t secretly want to be an actress. 

7-         Your nose runs when you over exert yourself.

 8-         You’d need too many luxury items: tweezers, concealer, hair gel, wrinkle cream, lip liner, mascara, nail polish, etc. 

9-         You’re too exhausted from raising a family to be a diabolical manipulator.

 10-       You’d want to include the camera men and crew, to be polite. 

11-       You know too many party games and would make it too much fun.

 12-       You’d only be doing it to lose weight, and wouldn’t have that competitive edge.    

So stay home and watch my Youtube Mom videos. Hundreds of life hacks!

 

 

Taking the Cake

           Last week I had a birthday, and St. Bob gave me this ridiculously delicious cake:

          It’s only six inches wide, but it’s perfect for just the two of us. The cake is moist and dense, the frosting absolutely dreamy.

          And it gave me an idea. Why don’t we get similar cakes for all our far-flung friends? These pals are too far away to mail a cake to them, so we’ll just have their names written on them, and then eat the cake ourselves!

Of course, we’ll send a photo so they’ll know we remembered them. We can even send a video us blowing out the candles, and enjoying one yummy slice after another.

          We are nothing if not fabulously thoughtful.

And then you can enjoy sweet life hacks on my Youtube Mom videos! Be sure to subscribe!

After the Party...

          You try to have a cool celebration for the teens in Seminary (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints), for the Prophet’s 100th Birthday yesterday:

          President Russell M. Nelson is absolutely amazing—looks 60, and still sharp as a whip.He became a doctor at 22, finished surgical training at Harvard, was on the team that created the first artificial lung and heart, was a pioneer in artificial heart surgery, has perfect pitch, plays piano and organ, speaks fluent Mandarin and has studied 12 other languages, served in the Korean War, is a father of 10, and has 57 grandkids and 119 great-grandkids. He has visited 113 different nations and has been in an apostle since 1984.

So you want to do this right. You spell “100” in gold balloons. You hang a banner. You bring his favorite treat: Apples. You even have a cake with 100 candles on it:

And you have a great celebration with the students. Afterwards, you load what’s left into the car—most of the cake, and seven of the apples. If this sounds like a story problem, it is both a story AND a problem.

Because the minute you get out on the road, some turkey—and I mean an ACTUAL TURKEY—darts out in front of you.

You slam on the brakes. Everything (except the turkey) goes flying. Apples and basket fall onto the floor.

Balloons pop and release helium. The cake slides under my seat, getting frosting all over the wires and tubes under there.  The phone-to-TV wire also falls into the frosting. I have to hurry off to a funeral, so there’s no time to clean this up, and the frosting turns into cement.

Meanwhile, the turkey returns to its tribe, a hero for having even tried to cross the street.

And, somehow, I have to think that President Nelson would have gotten a kick out of this. 

Have you subscribed to this blog, yet? Don’t wait until you turn 100—do it today!

Fat Friends Wanted

           Seriously, I have got to make fatter friends. For some reason, many of my friends are teensy and petite. 

          They hover around 5 feet tall, whereas I am average: 5’ o7”.  They weigh less than 100 pounds, whereas I weigh, um, more than that. 😊

           Every photo I’ve been in lately shows me looking like Gulliver, with tiny people around me.

                 If I had fatter and taller friends, I could be the cute, little pixie in the picture. Even my daughter-in-law is like a miniature person. She looks like a teenager, but she's actually 33.

         Where do these wee folk shop? The children’s department? Do they buy kid-sized hangers? Do they purchase children-sized sunglasses? 

When they sit down, do their feet always swing? How do they reach the top shelves in the supermarket? How do they buy bracelets that don’t fall off? 

          Do they not know about ice cream or pie? Do they have no good recipes?  Do they run down the street on purpose?

          I love my friends. But they need to realize it’s okay if there’s more of them to love. You know what I mean?  Eat something already!

Okay, I am not morbidly obese, just bigger than my buddies. See for yourself here, on my Youtube Mom channel. Check out the hundreds of life hacks on there, and be sure to subscribe!