A New Job for Joni

          Do you know anyone who ALWAYS gets the best parking spot? Are you, in fact, one of these lucky ducks?  My jealousy is tried to the breaking point anytime I go anywhere with St. Bob because he always finds an empty spot right in front of the store or restaurant. Always. I should have a little button that sneers, “Of course!” whenever he’s driving. (I blogged about his amazing luck here). I have often speculated that secret spies see him leaving the garage then phone ahead to clear the decks for him.

          I, on the other hand, never find such spots. Never. In fact, the only open spots for me are several lanes away, and at the far end of the parking lot. Again, it’s as if someone has called ahead to wave dozens of cars into the lot to fill it up before I can pull in.

          So here’s my idea: Stores should send me checks every month (we can debate the high amount), just so I’ll pull into their parking lot. This will virtually guarantee that hundreds of people will now be parking there and dashing in to purchase everything they sell. All it takes is for me to swerve in their direction. I don’t even have to park-- nor could  I anyway—just the presence of my car assures their profits will quadruple. Hey, we all have our talents.

          While we await the profitable response to this brilliant idea, you can enjoy one of my books. Or watch one of my short Youtube Mom videos.  

1-800-IAmHereForYou

          Have you ever called me for tech support? No you have not. So let me tell you what you’re missing.

          Let’s say you call with a question about a missing file on your computer.

          Me: “Turn it off and then on again.”

          Or your phone apps are acting weird.

          Me: “Turn it off and then on again.”

          Or you can’t upload photos.

          Me: “Turn it off and then on again.”

          And I would dispense these brilliant tips for free. Best off all, I won’t use terms you don’t understand, such as petaflop, hadron, router, torrenting, thunking, or graphical user interface . Okay, these are also terms I don’t understand.

          I will follow this advice up with expressions for your personal happiness. Just as I have often said when imagining myself as a terrible waitress, I will ask if you want vegetables with that.  If you do not, I will activate my “mom lecture” circuits and remind you to eat right, get plenty of rest, and take care of your health. Also, wash dark clothes in cold water, floss regularly, and call your mother.

          So many services, so little time.

Have you visited my Youtube Mom channel here?  Even more advice and life hacks!

Octoman?

          In the spirit of competition, our eldest son, Richie, recently went by ambulance to the hospital. (If you're a regular reader, you know that Bob and I have been trying to one-up each other with surgeries and doctor visits.) Five days later--and five thousand gray hairs on my part-- he was discharged and is back at work.

          At one point he needed at CT-Scan, so four nurses and orderlies decided to move him to a rolling gurney.

          First, of course, all his IV tubes had to be unplugged. 

          I commented that he looked like an octopus because he had so many tubes. And that was all it took.

          “I really have a quarrel with Merriam-Webster over this,” he said. (Who quarrels with Merriam-Webster?)

          Then, as the workers transferred him to the gurney, he launched into a detailed explanation of why the plural of octopus should be octopuses.  Apparently the Latin plural would be octopi, but that’s incorrect because it actually has a Greek root. This means it would be octopodes, but if you do that, then the singular should be octopod.

          Bob and I were trying not to lock glances. I was also trying not to acknowledge the “Are you kidding me” glances of the nurses and orderlies.

          Really, Richie explained, in this case the simplest solution was also the best one. It should be octopuses. But, alas, people try to be pretentious and overdo various forms of words unnecessarily.

          Oh, good gravy. Which, by the way, is also unavailable in the hospital.

          Perfect for any hospital stay—check out my books (although you might want to avoid the humorous ones if you have stitches).

A Sticky Situation

          It has come to my attention that some of you need marital advice. Okay, it’s totally obvious to the entire world that we ALL need marital advice. So hang in with me and I’ll share the latest tidbit I heard.

          St. Bob and I were in a crowd of people recently, and someone said that wallpapering is a great project for a couple to embark upon, to see how division of labor works, who’s patient, who’s a quitter, who angers easily. In short, it’s a great way to learn tons of information about the person you’re dating.

          St. Bob piped right up and said, “Oh, Joni and I did that once. Joni said, ‘I’ve got this,’ and I said, ‘Okay.’”  This was his contribution to the discussion, which he thought was a great example of how it can work but which, in fact, paints me as a control freak.

          First, he is correct; that is exactly how the conversation went. But here’s why. I’ve literally hung more rolls of wallpaper than I can count. In high school I worked for an interior designer who had a paint and wallpaper store (yes, you can churn butter in those shaky paint mixers), and I helped hundreds of customers find the wallpaper they wanted. I knew every page in every book, and soon was hanging paper in my parents’ home, then later in my own home. 

          I’ve even developed my own technique to make it easier (paint the paste on the wall, not on the paper). I’d tell you I can do it with my eyes closed, but that would present a problem when matching seams. However, it’s so familiar to me that I didn’t see the point in causing Bob all kinds of angst (See?  I’m kind!) when I can just do it myself. And why not let him sit down and rest a spell?  Okay, okay, plus I want it done right.

          Someone might say this reveals an inability to be flexible and allow others the chance to try. I don’t listen to that person. Have you priced wallpaper? Are you aware that it’s sold in double rolls? This is not like mixing up cookie dough and it doesn’t turn out. This can spell disaster. Expensive disaster. Like letting someone “help out” if you’re a surgeon. Or a pilot. Or a home builder.        Wallpaper is not forgiving if a couple decides to giggle and start flicking glue at one another. 

ALTHOUGH wallpaper removal is open to all comers. And that’s where I’d allow anybody the chance to shine.

You are welcome to use the pages of my books to wallpaper your home. I recommend buying one of each!