Friday, August 15, 2014

Snug as a...

            Here is the perfect metaphor for my life.  A few days ago I am at Walmart.  I know, right?  You’re thinking, “You can stop right there—this says it all.”  But there’s more.  So much more.
            St. Bob and I have gone there because he needs his sunglasses adjusted in their optical shop.  A simple enough errand, no?  Soon we are heading out, and just a few feet from the exit, I see a walking stick on the floor.  This is not a walking stick as in a cane, but a walking stick as in “garden insect that looks kind of like a preying mantis.”  And it’s huge, maybe 6 inches long.  Here is what these clever masters of disguise look like:
            And I love animals, right?  This poor thing is right in the path of shoppers and rolling carts, so I dig through my purse, find a card, and scoop him up with it.  Gingerly I carry him out, cross the driveway to the bushes by the parking lot, and touch the card to a bush so he can see he is back in nature, safe again.
            But instead of climbing off the card and onto a branch, he leaps into the air and goes flapping and flying back across the roadway we just crossed.
            And bam!  Five starlings from the stupid Walmart trees are on him like ninja warriors. 
            I gasp and turn to Bob.  Bob, he of the deep voice, is now giggling like a little girl.  A VERY little girl.  With a small, unsympathetic mind.
            “That’s terrible!” I shout, half to describe the demise of my little friend, and half to appropriately label his disappointing behavior.
            Bob is laughing so hard he can hardly drive, and I am tempted to get out of the car and walk home.  He suggests that the walking stick had been fighting off birds all morning and finally made it to the safety of the store, when some woman scooped him up and threw him back into the jaws of death.  He wipes tears of mirth his eyes.
            At home he relays the events to our daughter, Nicole, who also finds this hilarious, and now I am wondering why I live with these barbarians when I am so clearly meant to save the world.
I may not be able to save every insect, but I can save anyone who needs life skills.  Just watch a few of my YouTube Mom videos here.


  1. Hahaha! Your heart is in the right place and you shall receive your bug net on the other side!