Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Stick 'em up!

          I’m told one reason we see so many movies and TV shows which  include bank robberies, is that so many people fantasize about robbing a bank.
          I fantasize about how to prevent it. And I have a solution that will knock your socks off, but not your money out of your wallet.
I watched  my own local bank go from a face-to-face moment with the teller, to an interaction with plexiglass where you slide your ID under the barrier and speak through tiny holes.  Today they also have video cameras everywhere, and signs posted which forbid hats, sunglasses, and hoodies. My guess is they still have to worry.
Too bad no one ever called me for advice.  My solution is to put all banks on the second floor.  By the time a robber can get down the elevator or staircase, you’ve called the police, locked the lower level doors, and voila! No more bank robberies.
          I seriously believe this could prevent 99% of all bank robberies.  And, with elevators, the bank is still completely accessible to any member of the public.
          Building a two-story bank is more costly, but who says you have to build it?  Why not just rent the upper floor of an already-existing business?  Or build it and rent the bottom part out.  Bank-and-bagels, anyone?

          I know, you love the idea. You’re welcome. You can thank me by purchasing one of my books here.  Then I’ll get to deposit the royalties and maybe blog about witnessing a bank robbery!

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Breakfast of Geniuses!

Be still my heart.  I just read a study that claims having ice cream for breakfast makes you smarter.  Folks, I have been doing this quite often for my entire life, thus I must be a genius.
           (And no, you do not need to write in with a comment about how this really will still my heart.)
          Here’s the scoop (you knew that pun was coming).  Scientists claim that eating ice cream first thing in the morning improves your alertness and mental performance. Yoshihiko Koga, a professor at Tokyo's Kyorin University, had test subjects try it out, and they had faster reaction times and better info-processing abilities on the computer. Their brains also revealed an increase in high-frequency alpha waves.
          I know what you’re thinking (since you did not have ice cream this morning, and I did): You are thinking it’s the cold—that would jolt anybody, right?  But they tried it with cold water and couldn’t duplicate the results. Some say our brains simply need glucose to function best, while many people skip breakfast entirely and miss this advantage. And others speculate that a big part of this could be the positive emotions triggered by having a treat— you’re activating the pleasure spots of your brain the same as if you won money or listened to a favorite song.
          I don’t care.  I just know I am finally vindicated, not a terrible mother after all, and now I’m wondering if cake or pie could produce the same results. I am happy to volunteer for the cause of science.  It’s the least I can do.

And you can also perform a wonderful service—buy my books.  They make wonderful Christmas gifts and will not melt under the tree the way ice cream will.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Thank you, Thank you!

          Today I’m feeling purely grateful.  Yes, I know this is a humor blog, but it’s also a blog for readers of my books, to give them a peek into my often hilarious life. So I have to press pause on the humor button this week, just to express my gratitude for the frequent sources of that very humor—my husband and kids.  We have so many laughs together, and tons of love.

Here are three photos from their Christmas visit this week.  Yes, we welcomed Brandon’s Great Dane, Odin, into the house as well.  Here are Richie, Brandon, Cassidy and his wife, our adored daughter-in-law Tiffany, and Nicole. These pictures show us at church on Christmas Day, at Top Golf, 

and at Beat the Room here in Rocklin.

I love you guys, and I miss you already!  
Start the New Year off right, and order my books for those chilly winter days when you just want to stay in with a cup of hot chocolate, a blanket, and a great story!

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

House of Mirth

          I think we can agree that Christmas traditions vary from family to family.  But in our house, they vary a tad more off the beaten track.  In the Hilton house comedy seems to reign supreme, and from the required Christmas Rat window painting (which was supposed to be a cute little mouse, sleeping in a wreath), 
to one son always arranging the letters, “NOEL” to spell “LEON,” we have a way of twisting traditions.
          Possibly our worst tradition is the Annual Collapsing Gingerbread House.  Begun by accident, this so entertained our boys when they were younger, that it has become a required part of our holiday festivities.  Luckily, this is easy to duplicate year after year.  All it takes is a lack of patience, precision, know-how, and talent. 
          So, while the annual Rocklin Gingerbread House Contest fills our Event Center with beauties like these:

          the Hiltons continue to produce results like this one:
          But we have a grand time, nobody swears in frustration, and we feel no guilt whatsoever in gobbling up the results.  So I guess it’s a winning house after all.

          You need something to do after all the Christmas hoopla dies down.  I recommend a cup of hot chocolate and a good book-- perhaps one of mine?  Order ‘em here.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Cane and Unable

Do not try this at home.  Do not try this anywhere.  Not with a fox, not in a box.  Especially not in a box.
Folks, you know I’m famous—okay, within my own family—for taking on RIDICULOUS craft projects that always bomb out.  Somehow my brain is magnetically drawn to the impossible and you’ve read about many of my disasters right here in this blog.
So for Christmas this year, I got the idea to make homemade candy canes. How tough can it be when you see boxes and boxes of them at the store, for mere pennies?
All I can assume is that there is one amazing factory, undoubtedly in China, where they have figured out how to do this quickly and cheaply.  You cannot duplicate this in your kitchen.
You decide to look up some recipes online.  Your eye scans the ingredients. You see things like “Heat-retardant gloves,” 
and “a bench scraper,” along with corn syrup, sugar, and other sticky items. You also notice you have to make two separate colors that you will then wrap around each other.
Then you check the instructions and you see phrases like, “Working quickly…” and “pulling hard candy can be tricky,” and “don’t let children work with scalding liquids.”
You read a caution about glass candy thermometers being breakable. When it talks about pulling, doubling, and twisting the hot candy it says, “Enjoy the upper body workout.”
And here is where, in an unprecedented holiday miracle, Joni stops reading, closes the link, and decides candy cane making is not for her.  You see?  She can be taught.
And if you want a truly memorable Christmas gift—one that won’t blister your hands, strain your muscles, or leave a sticky film on your kitchen counters that you have to chisel off—just check out my 24 books on my website.  So much easier, right?

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

15 Ways You Know the Lines are Too Long

          You did it again. You forgot to buy everything by November, and now it’s December and you’re stuck in holiday shopping lines.  I love Christmas, but here’s how you know you’re in a line that’s just too long:
1-       Your chewing gum has gotten old.  Twice.
2-      You’ve exchanged email addresses with the people next to you.
3-      People’s relatives are standing in for them, in shifts.
4-      A catering truck pulls up to service your group.
5-      You’ve taken off your coat to allow for the change in weather.
6-      Your roots need a re-touch.
7-      People are sitting in lawn chairs, using their lap tops.
8-      One lady is stamping her Christmas cards.
9-      A man calls home to tell his kids goodnight.
10-    Your cell phone has become obsolete twice since you got in line.
11-     You consider calling neighbors to feed the dog.
12-    You’ve heard the same Muzak Christmas Carols eight times.
13-     You’d be willing to pay double, if they’d just open another register.
14 -    The store has put a Porta-Potty nearby.
15-     They’re throwing a baby shower for a woman who wasn’t even pregnant when you first got in line.

But you can save all this aggravation by purchasing my books online!  With 24 to choose from, there’s something for everyone, trust me.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

More Than a Little Hair-Raising

          Today I am blogging about my hair.  Okay, it’s not really about my hair; it’s about my brain. But my hair played a key role this week.
          First, we must acknowledge that our brain does not operate the same way other people’s brains do.  By saying “our” I feel less lonely in this trial.
What happens to me is what happens to two of my friends, one of whom calls herself on the phone and the other of whom used glitter glue on her shoes, thinking it was shoe polish.
          Except these women have excuses. One survived a brain aneurism and the other survived major head trauma from a car wreck.  So it’s like they have “Get Out of Jail, Free” cards in Monopoly.
          For the rest of their lives, people will sympathize and smile.  After all, they’re lucky to be alive.  A little forgetfulness here and there is to be expected.
          Not so in Joniopolios.  Joni has no such excuses for the many times she has called herself on the phone, hunted for her phone while talking on it, or tried dozens of times to get into the wrong car in parking lots.
          Which brings us to my curly hair.  Sometimes I straighten it, and sometimes I wear it curly.  Viewers of my Youtube Mom videos have weighed in on this, all of which I appreciate, basically because I’m just glad they’re watching my channel.
But this week was a curly week, so I was standing before my bathroom mirror, spritzing it with water to make it curlier, and suddenly realized I had picked up the sprayer of cleaner, not the water spray bottle.  In my defense, they are about the same size.  BUT NOW MY HEAD IS COVERED WITH CONCENTRATED DEGREASER/CLEANER.
And today it is raining, so the chances are that my hair, now glopped up with a cleaner much stiffer than any hair product you can buy, is going to foam up like a cappuccino machine. This foam will then obey the laws of gravity and run straight into my eyes, burning them and causing me to drop to my knees in agony.  
So if you see a woman out in public, drenched, screaming, crumpling to the ground, and foaming from the top of her head, you’ll know who it is.

Or you can avoid this possibility by staying inside, Christmas shopping online, and buying my books here.