Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Get Rich Quick!

            I have never given you a million-dollar idea before, and for this I apologize.  Because I am sitting on the most brilliant idea ever to come down the pike, and I should have told you about it so you could cash in. 
            It has to do with dog food.

         First, let’s take a stroll down the dog food aisle and see the claims made on the various packages. Grain free for the gluten intolerant dog, senior formula for the sedentary dog, weight loss formula for the tubby ones, even a “Tuscan Style Medley” by Beneful, for what I can only assume is a dog who’s been dreaming of Italy all his life.
  There are kibbles shaped like bones and paws,
tiny kibbles for tiny dogs, and above all, the promise of a shiny coat.

            When was the last time you bought a breakfast cereal, a carton of ice cream, or a package of bacon because its label promised you shiny hair?
            How about never?  Why have we bought into this notion that a gleaming coat is the Number One priority in dog ownership?  Okay, here comes the million dollar idea.  Forget about shiny coat, and put “Now with Beano” on the label, and you will become a millionaire overnight.  OVERNIGHT.

            Seriously, is this not the biggest concern we actually have, when it comes to dogs?  And wouldn’t you grab this product fast as lightning if you saw it on the shelves?  At last—a dog food that prevents gas!
            Dogs don’t care about surf and turf.  They don’t even know where Tuscany is.  Do you have any idea—any idea whatsoever—what dogs eat when they go outside?  Well, I’ll give you a hint.  It starts with cat and ends with poop.  Yes, sorry to say, but this is the unvarnished truth.  They roll in whatever stinky thing they can find on the ground, then gobble it up the way you or I would inhale a Godiva truffle.  And I won’t even address the way they greet each other.

            You could also market a party game where people get points for guessing things a dog will not eat.  It will be a very short and very difficult game.  They make Andrew Zimmerman look like the pickiest eater on earth.  They will eat dead and rotting worms, portions of dead birds the cat left behind, bones which have been buried all hot summer long, slimy fish remnants on a dock, the list is endless.  In fact, if you like letting your dog off leash to run and romp, you need this “Now with Beano” product more than anyone else, because you will have no idea what your dog will gulp down when you can’t yank him away from it.

            Yes, we love our canine family members.  And yes, we want them to have a shiny coat if it indicates good overall health.  But I’m telling you, the gas prevention idea is a home run hit.  You’ll make so much money you can retire in—hey! Tuscany! and give your dogs Tuscan food every day of their lives.  Just as long as you add a little Beano.
Don’t be an old poot.  Subscribe today! You think you can find brilliant ideas like this somewhere else?  Nope.  Joniopolis is your ticket to fortune.  So tell your friends.  Oh—and buy my books, because that’s my ticket to fortune.


  1. I am IN for six tons of the "with Beano" dog food! When my wife obsesses about "fresh" water for our mutts, I remind her why we keep the lid on the toilet down. But you're right, ya gotta love 'em.

    1. Glad you're in, Alan! I hope some dog food companies are listening. If we can't make a million bucks ourselves, at least we can buy from those who do!

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