My New Game!

           I’ve been accused of trying to make everything into a game. I welcome such accusations, as I think this indicates creativity and a fun-loving nature. Thus, my latest idea: THE INSOMNIA GAME.

          You will need a spinner, downloadable on any home computer.  Mark spaces like a pie, then flick the arrow when you can’t sleep and it will tell you what to think about. 

Here are the categories you will need to write on your spinner: 

          That pair of pants you didn’t buy in 2006, and what you could wear them with if only you had gotten them.

          Boring people who, if they were here right now and talking, would help you fall asleep in no time

          That rude girl in 8^th grade

          How do you spell circadian rhythm, anyway?

          The O.J. trial

          Lyrics to that song you can’t figure out

          Who’s going to buy the house next door that’s for sale

          Justifications for not apologizing to someone

          Figuring out how much sleep you can get if you fall asleep right now

          If you should have a heart attack, are your legs shaved well enough to go to the ER?

          Better things you could have said to the cop who pulled you over

          How can the universe just go on forever?

          Grown children's problems, which is like worrying about a car you already sold  

          What’s the weather going to be like a month from now?

          Every stupid thing you’ve ever done

          Experts say we shouldn’t toss and turn; we should  just get up and get  something done. How about enjoying one of my books? A Little Christmas Prayer is the perfectly priced gift for everyone!

Bob's Latest Scheme

           St. Bob is in the doghouse.

          Here’s what happened. A few years ago my friend, Cynthia Rhine, gave me a wonderful European-style license plate, which I display in the background of my Youtube Mom videos: 

          So St. Bob, for Christmas, thought he’d get me an actual personalized car license plate that said the same thing. Only it’s too many letters. The maximum is seven. So he BRILLIANTLY came up with UTUBMOM.

          “I am not going to be known as a Tub Mom,” I said. He laughed and laughed.

          The only good part of this story is that he told me before actually ordering it. Smart man. Twisted, but smart.

          You are welcome to view any of the hundreds of life hacks and tips I post in short videos as the Youtube Mom. With an e, thank you. (And you can still get quick delivery from Amazon for A LITTLE CHRISTMAS PRAYER, my booklet that's the perfect gift for everyone.)

Bob on a Roll

           I think we can all agree that this year has been crazy. And when I encounter crazy, I usually look for the humor therein. Luckily, St. Bob is willing to provide enough laughter to get us both through 2020. Herewith some of the latest Bobisms:

          Me: Call me when you’re free.

          Bob: I’m not free, but I have a 20 % holiday discount.

Later:
          Me: (Watching a narrated documentary) You’d be a good commentator for this.

          Bob: I am not a common tater. I’m a very special tater.

Later:

          Me: I’ve been procrastinating.

          Bob: That’s better than amateur-crastinating.

          Yep, his brain will definitely be donated to science.

          Looking for the perfect stocking stuffers?  My book, A Little Christmas Prayer is also the perfect price!

You Got Some 'Splaining to Do!

           In high school I was given a key chain that said, “Lucy,” because I would get into so many Lucy Ricardo situations. Our daughter says traveling with me through Europe is like traveling with Lucy as well. So you can imagine my excitement when I learned that the actual candy shop where they filmed this famous episode:  

is still operating, in Beverly Hills. So of course I had to visit in person when we were down there to see our son, Brandon. It’s called Edelweiss and they still sell hand-dipped chocolates packaged in a pretty sack. 

If you go behind the scenes, you can still see the conveyor belts and a picture of Lucy on one of the walls:

 

The story goes that Lucille Ball was a regular customer and was offered a behind-the-scenes tour one day. As soon as she saw the conveyor belt she called the producer, told him to drive in from Palm Springs, and see the potential for a hilarious episode. (And if home computers had existed back then, something tells me Lucy would definitely have blogged about it.)

So many of my books contain stories about my Lucy-esque life.  They make great Christmas gifts.  AND my booklet, A Little Christmas Prayer, is a perfectly priced stocking stuffer!

I Could Never Be Miss Muffet

           You will not believe what just happened to me. Okay, maybe you’ll believe it if you are a regular Joniopolis reader, because crazy things happen here.

I just had a spider get caught in my Covid mask WHILE  I WAS WEARING IT!

I was talking with a woman, also wearing a mask, and we were outdoors, six feet apart. We were doing everything right. And then suddenly she stepped toward me, pulled my mask down, and said, “A spider just fell into your mask!” Mind you, this mask is on tight, with elastic bands over my ears, holding it against my face.

St. Bob was there and the two of them brushed the hideous intruder off my face and onto the ground. I looked up—the sky was clear and there was nothing this spider could have leapt from.

I thanked them for saving my life (although I was about to die of fright), and then I wondered where on earth that spider had come from. Had it been in my ultra-curly chemo hair, which my daughter compares to Top Ramen? 

Was there a whole spider family there, just waiting to attack, or to lower themselves on silken threads and scare the daylights out of me?

I am not afraid of snakes or mice, but spiders do me in. I blogged about the Orb Spider here.  But now I can’t even post a real photo of a spider or I’ll have nightmares. So I have to post cartoon spiders instead.

And imagine if Bob and that woman hadn’t seen it! That spider could have bitten me on the lips! Or crawled up my nose, into my brain, and bitten my cerebellum! And laid eggs!                  

So if you see me with a mask completely duct taped around the edges so NOTHING can get in, you’ll know why.

On a much less terrifying note, my book, A Little Christmas Prayer makes the perfect gift (super low price,too!)  Sometimes it takes a child to raise a village, and this tale teaches anyone, of any faith, the magic of gratitude. Might be good for everyone on your list!

Who Was That Masked Woman?

           Pretend you have a new product to sell. You have a Zoom conference with everyone involved, including the package designer. And this is the single best thing you can say about your product, so you put it on the front of the package:

         Seriously? You can throw this away? Not much of a high water mark, is it?  No bragging about the comfy fit, the effectiveness, the cute design, the washable fabric, the durability. Nope—this thing can be trash in a nano-second.

          Not only that, but isn’t EVERYTHING disposable? I mean, literally, everything?  So we have a redundancy issue as well.

          Some time ago I blogged about a product that claimed to be “Semi-Odorless.”  Semi?  Partially? Not quite?  If you can’t say it’s completely odorless, why bring the matter up?

          Tell me how well these items would sell:

          Jeans: Almost Comfy!

          Cereal: So soggy you won’t even need milk!

          Paint: Fairly Good Coverage

          Toothpaste: Four out of Five Dentists recommend  it (I want to talk to that fifth dentist).

          And how anyone sells a prescription medication with the crazy side effects they list is beyond me. They’re all worse than the malady they’re supposed to treat.  You’ve heard the same list: May cause suicidal tendencies, paralysis, cancer, blurred vision, abdominal swelling, and diarrhea, strokes, and tremors.

          At least the face mask won't send me to the emergency room.

          And you are totally safe buying my books. The worst that can happen is a cramp from laughing. (And be sure to order my VERY inexpensive Christmas short story, A Little Christmas Prayer. Makes a great gift!)

Can You Do This?

           Hidden talents. C’mon, you know you have them. I’m going to share three of mine today, and hope you’ll tell me yours as well.

          First, I will share one of St. Bob’s. He has Scissor Toes. Actually, they’re more like plier toes, or wrench toes. He can literally pick up anything with them, reach over and pinch your calf with them, pull out a chair with them, and who knows—maybe he can do calligraphy with them! I figure he must be part monkey, with prehensile toes. This would also explain much of his other behavior.

          To qualify for this talent roundup I think we need one rule: Your hidden talent must be utterly useless, not anything that could earn money.

          Okay, my first talent is curling my tongue. Aha—but not just rolling it into a tube like many can do. Nope, I can turn mine over, and also make it into a cloverleaf. Here’s somebody else doing it because I decided not to take a photo of my own tongue, thank you:

          My next useless talent is remembering lines of dialogue from movies I haven’t seen in 20 years. Yep, nobody lining up to write checks for this.

          And last, I can pour a cooking ingredient into my palm and accurately know whether it’s a teaspoon, a Tablespoon, or any fraction thereof.

          Lots of people have useless talents. I’ve seen people who can ride a bike without using the handlebars, who can solve a Rubik’s Cube in record time, who can say the alphabet backwards, impersonate Donald Duck, recite dozens of numbers in pi, and fall asleep within seconds. (Of course, I don’t know anyone who can do ALL of these.)

          So what’s your useless talent? Pleeeease tell me it’s watching my Youtube Mom videos, or buying my books. Granted, you won’t get paid for it, but you’ll have inner satisfaction that you did the right thing. Check ‘em out at my website.