Soaked 'til I Nearly Croaked

           Folks, I nearly melted yesterday. First, I was wearing an oil-based lotion. Then I STUPIDLY decided this would be a good day to try on bras. That’s right, bras.

          First, I went to Nordstrom’s. I walked in and saw the cutest pair of  Max Mara striped pants. They looked perfect for this hot weather. I turned over the price tag. $1,135.00.  Yep, over a thousand dollars. I stopped. Had I suddenly stepped through a time warp to the future, when pants cost more than my first car?

          I looked at the bras. They were also several times as expensive as I was willing to go. Got back in my car and drove around the mall to the other side where I entered J.C. Penneys.

          A huge bra department, but right through it—RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE—a ten-foot wide pathway to the returns and purchases counter! This means that I am scrounging for the right size bra while a crowd of beer-bellied, unshaven men are watching me as they stand in line to return a pair of jeans. PLEASE!  Did they have to put the bra department right here?

          I grabbed an armful, went into the dressing room, and began the excruciating process of trying on bras that are too tight, too pinchy, too big, too everything. Few things in this world will make you sweatier than this endeavor, especially if there is not one employee to help.

          Finally, DRIPPING WET, I took the one bra I found that fit, and stood in line for purchasing. At the counter I asked the cashier if she possibly had any Kleenex back there, and she got me two. I mopped my face, the back of my neck, basically every surface I could.

          I wiped my eyes and realized my eyelashes had peeled off from the heat and moisture. I made a beeline for my car, and a nice postal worker opened the door for this soaking wet rhinoceros. “Thank you so much,” I said. “I’m so sorry you have to work outside in this heat.” (It was 104 degrees).

          The cheery guy just shrugged and said, “Oh, it’s okay-- I hum Christmas songs.” I could have thrown my arms around him (but he would’ve gagged).

          And I decided to share this brilliant tip with all of you, so you can pretend it’s cold out, even when people are baking cookies on their car hoods, so that you can survive the scorching weather.

          I should have hummed “White Christmas” while I was trying on those bras.

AND… quick life hacks are all yours as you stay inside with the air conditioner on.  Just visit my Youtube Mom website!

 

TANgo

           Okay, this is not about the Tango. This is about how I cannot seem to tan on my legs, despite spending hours outside, gardening.

          And I think I’ve finally figured it out. It’s because I’m not lying down, trying to get a tan, but up and about. 

          Here’s my science: The sun is overhead, right? So it tans my feet, with lovely flip flop stripes.

         It’s also happy to hit the point of my nose, which caused me to get MOHS skin cancer surgery there, a few years ago (just like Hugh Jackman).

          But the sun can’t hit my legs, unless it’s in a car, driving by.

          I think people who swim and surf are taking unfair advantage of the water reflections. There, I’ve said it.

          So next time you see someone with pale legs, just smile and say, “I’ll bet your garden looks great.”

          Be sure to subscribe to my Youtube Mom channel—every couple of weeks you’ll get a short, wonderful life hack!

SNAP! CRACKLE! POP! - No, it's not cereal

           Just today, St. Bob finally tells me that my enjoyment of Spike Jones was one of the things that attracted him to me.

          Seriously?  He was looking for someone who appreciated craziness? Well, apparently so.

          A high school friend introduced me to the comedy music of Spike Jones, but most people today have never heard his clever spoofs. I guess he was the Weird Al of the 1940s.  He was actually a very talented musician, but loved to include sound effects, such as gunshots, cowbells, whistles, hiccups, animal sounds and more, along with comedic vocals in his band’s tunes.

          He actually didn’t think it would catch on, but people loved his wild arrangements and he became a huge success on radio, TV, and in movies.

          I guess it’s no surprise that St. Bob, who began his own television career in junior high, as a clown who introduced cartoons on TV, would feel a kindred spirit with someone else who liked to make people laugh.

          Now I’m waiting for St. Bob to tell me another thing he liked about me was my ADHD, my klutziness, and my impatience. But I might have to settle for just the Spike Jones thing.

          Hey, are you caught up on all my Youtube Mom videos? I have hundreds of quick life hacks, you know. Subscribe and tell your friends to do the same, so I can hit 10,000!

                   

The Cat's Out of the Bag

           Some would say I have a problem (no, not whatever problem you just thought of). It’s that five various neighbor cats keep coming over and meowing to get inside and I let them in, and now my life is about watching for those cats.

          Okay, the last part of that is the problem. Our final pets passed away and I can’t endure another loss like that, so we have no new ones. However, I love to pet them and snuggle cats and dogs, so when I see a stray cat, I meow and wiggle my fingers so they’ll come over for a cheek scratch. And, I let them in.

          Word has evidently gotten out along the feline phone line, because now there are five who frequent my back yard. And it’s not to see the fairy garden.

Granted, we have tons of birds because I love gardening and we have trees where they like to sing. So maybe that’s why the cats are coming over. OR… they used to play with our cat, Simon, and they’re still looking for him.

           I let them in, and they act like house inspectors. Up the stairs, behind the curtains, under the sofas—they look everywhere (for Simon?)

I don’t feed them because I don’t want to steal someone else’s cat, but they still act like they have two homes now. I think they’d give me a five-star rating on Yelp. Or Meowlp.

           So… if you own one of these cats, let me know!

AND… be sure to subscribe to my Youtube Mom videos. Short, easy life hacks you’ll love to watch!

Pick a Car, Any Car

           I was sitting in traffic the other day, and thought about how each driver had chosen whatever they’re driving, probably came proudly home with it, maybe even called their friends to say they just bought a Nissan/Mustang/Range Rover/Audi/Chevy--  whatever.

          They liked the color, the seats, the options. And now here we are, expressing our preferences in a giant sea of choice.  It’s the same with shoes, haircuts, and food we order off a menu. I’ve always liked this freedom to choose and would dread living in a world where we were told THIS is your car

          And THESE are your shoes

          And THIS is what you have to eat.

          I know there are people in other countries without such freedoms, and I wish I could bring them here, take them to the salad dressing aisle at the grocery store, and say, “Pick whichever one you want.” Then do it with shoes, cars, and haircuts.

          Just saying. Freedom is pretty cool.

          Check out my free life hacks at my Youtube Mom channel. You can pick whichever one you’d like to watch.

Northern Lite

           I have always wanted to see the Northern Lights. I’ve been to Norway, Sweden, Finland, and Denmark, even traveled above the Arctic Circle. I’ve taken an Alaskan cruise. But do you think I’ve ever even glimpsed this marvel?

          No way.  Not only that, but I’m suddenly seeing posts by people in nearly every state in the Union—including California, where I live—but not once have I been able to catch a peek at this glorious display.

          I got poor St. Bob up at one in the morning one time, and made him drive all over Placer County, after hearing there would be a sighting.

          This is like searching for Big Foot, or the Loch Ness Monster, you know. I’m beginning to wonder if everyone is sharing AI pictures, and then snickering.

          There are several other space phenomena I’ve been hoping to spot-- A sun halo:

          A moonbow:

          Shooting stars (not the occasional one, but ones like this):

          And here I am, someone who is actually interested in astronomy! You’d think all these magnets and Alfvén waves and electrons would get their act together and offer a show for all of us. I’d even settle for a not-very-super nova.

          One time I took my eldest son to the Griffith Park Observatory to see Halley’s Comet, which circles around every 75 years or so. He was only two, though, and bumped the telescope, thus eliciting groans from everyone else in line while the scientists aligned it again. But at least he will live long enough to say he saw it twice, which was the whole point.

          But lucky you—without leaving your chair you can watch my Youtube Mom channel and marvel at all the life hacks on there! (And be sure to subscribe-- I'm going for 10K subscribers!)

Snap to it!

           Okay, I have a zillion dollar idea for you. Be at the leading edge of a new trend that will sweep the world: A line of clothes that only snap.

          Yes, folks, bump the buttons to the bin!

          The other day I put on one of St. Bob’s shirts, which closes with snaps.  Much faster to put on than having to find the button holes and pulling the button through.

          But the bonanza was that night when I took it off—pop, pop, pop and DONE.  My mind began calculating how many days of my life I have wasted fussing with buttons.

          And then what if a button falls off?  A big hassle to find it (or find a replacement) and then sew it back on. Snaps don’t do this. They stay on and make life more joyful with their happy little sound.

          You feel like a spy, or a stage actor, suddenly ripping off your disguise in two seconds. It’s magical. And logical. Why have we fallen for the Button Barons all these years?

          And why do you think babies’ onesies close with buttons? Because nobody wants to fool with time-consuming, frustrating buttons when dressing a wiggly baby.

          So now you know a side gig you can have, which could grow into an empire.  You’re welcome. (And let me know, so I can buy your snappy clothes!)

Even more amazing tips await you at my Youtube Mom channel. Be sure to subscribe!

Laser Focus on This, Will You?

           You know those guys who have a white beard all year so they can play Santa?

          Well, I must be hoping to play Rudolph, because I’ve had a red nose since my MOHS skin cancer surgery 6 years ago.

          It’s become redder and redder, so I finally decided to get laser treatment. The doctor couldn’t have been kinder, smarter, or faster (you know I like fast).

          “I can do it right now,” she said. “It will feel like the snap of a rubber band.”

          THIS WAS THE UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE CENTURY.  It did not feel like a rubber band. More like a marching band.  Seriously, it felt like sticking your nose into a wasp’s nest. And we have to admit, the stings would serve you right. 

          I nearly jumped out of my chair. She had to tell me to stop holding my breath. The pain was excruciating, but then you know I have big baby nerve endings, and even sipping a soda feels too prickly to me.

          Finally a cold pack came, then a cooling cream, and I was on my way home. I should expect two or three weeks of keeping gel on it and avoiding the public.

But I did not actually plan for this procedure today, because right now I have a dental appointment, followed by a temple appointment. Then tomorrow a bone scan, visitors, then a dinner engagement with another couple. And on the third day I’m delivering a meal to someone in the church, followed by a big party for the women that night.

On it goes, swollen nose, oh such woes, to my toes, no photos, I must close.

But, lucky you, you can sit and enjoy life hacks on my Youtube Mom videos. By the way, I’m trying to get 10K subscribers, so please sign up and tell your friends to do the same. 😊

And Now a Word From Our Sponsor

           Oh my gosh. Last night my dreams were literally interrupted by commercials. Seriously—one was for insurance (got plenty, thanks) and the other was for dog food (and we do not currently have a dog).

          How is this possible? I mean, I’m dreaming along and suddenly someone else is in charge? And that someone is from Madison Avenue and they want to sell me something in the middle of the night?

          These were great dreams and I wanted to continue with them. But no, I had to stop and watch COMMERCIALS!  With no fast-forward button.  It was crazy!

          Our daughter, a therapist, thinks I’m neuro-divergent. St. Bob agrees.  He says it’s not a complaint, but that I tend to think “Superman fast,” way ahead of present time. He says I ask a question, but while the person is answering I have often moved on and even forget what question I had asked.

          When someone comes to me with a problem, rather than listen and slowly try to help them, I come up with twenty solutions and then want to move on.

          If someone is speaking too slowly, my eyes widen like I’m being tortured (and I am. I literally want to scream and fall to the floor).

          So you can imagine the agony of having to watch two entire commercials before I could return to my dream. Talk about a nightmare.

Awake in the night? This is a perfect time to watch—and subscribe to—my Youtube Mom channel! Hundreds of QUICK life hacks.

Sole Searching

           You’re arriving at an elegant restaurant, a lovely wedding, a quiet church meeting and suddenly--- greeep!  One of your shoes starts squeaking.

          At the moment I have two shoes that squeak, in two different pairs! A local shoe repair guy couldn’t even fix them.

          So, Step One: Form a conspiracy theory. Maybe someone snuck into my closet and installed a listening device, because spies probably want to know what I’m saying. And it just happens to squeak.

          Step Two: Fill the problem shoe with baby powder, then shake it out. Hey, it works with squeaky wood floors. (Does not work with shoes).

          Step Three: Turn up the music so loud that no one can hear anyone’s shoes, creaky knees, or burping. But you might need earplugs.

          Or, just look at the silver lining (and if my shoes had silver linings, that might solve it!): At least it’s better than screaming.

Have you subscribed to my Youtube Mom channel yet? If not, you are missing incredibly wonderful life hacks—check it out!

Have You Arrived, Yet?

           Yesterday I think I got 14 appointment reminder calls. It was either 14 or 140—after 5 I stop counting. For any appointment whatsoever, we are now barraged with reminders about it.

Even as you are driving, they want you to take your eyes off the road and let them know if you’re on your way. It’s computerized once you’re in the system, and they’ll never stop yanking on your sleeve.

But I have an idea. What if we call them to see if they remember that we have an appointment?  Every day leading up to the appointment, we call. Here’s how it would go:

Monday: Hi, this is Joni Hilton. Just confirming my appointment on Friday.

Same thing Tuesday through Thursday. The receptionist is getting testy, now, and says, “Yes, I already told you we have it scheduled.”

But on Friday, you call that morning to confirm again. Hi, it’s Joni Hilton just making sure you have me down for two o’clock.

(Grand sigh). Yes, two o’clock, Joni.

            Then on your way, you pull over and call again. I’m on my way!

Once there, one more call. Now I’m here and I’m heading up the elevator.

Finally you get in to see the doctor and he lowers his voice, trying to be courteous.  “You know, you don’t need to call every day when you have an appointment. The girls are very busy.”

Exactly, my friend.

In between reminder calls, you can watch my Youtube Mom videos for wonderful life hacks!

AMAZING NEWS!

           I am gob-smacked. Wait until you hear this fabulous news.  First, St. Bob took me to McDonald’s for a soft serve vanilla ice cream cone.  It was a hot day and I lapped it up like a grateful rescue dog.

          And then he smiled and said, “Want another one?”  OH. MY. GOSH.  Have you ever, in your life, considered this?  Folks, we can have TWO. Just because you’ve stopped at one for your entire life, doesn’t mean you have to continue.

          You can actually go up to the counter and order another. The Ice Cream Police will not burst in and arrest you.

          My eyes must have looked like this:

          And there was a lovely bonus. A hubby who isn’t always trying to get you to slim down.  Ahhh… Heavenly.

I’m pretty sure you can eat ice cream and simultaneously watch my Youtube Mom channel for quick life hacks.

Almost Crazy

           Yesterday I was driving along behind a car that had a sticker on the back which said, Santa Girl.

          Well, kindred spirit, here!  I have an entire guest bedroom, as you recall, decorated for Christmas year-round.

         I smiled and thought, “Maybe I’ll follow her and tell her I’m a Santa girl, too!”  Or I could pull up beside her, motion for her to roll down her window, and shout the same thing.

          Folks, you will be glad I did not do either of those things. As I followed her for a few more blocks, I realized the sticker (written in a very difficult font, by the way) actually said, “Santa Cruz.” 

         
This is a beach town about 2 and ½ hours away, known for its amusement park boardwalk, surfing, and lovely beaches.  

Apparently she likes that more than Christmas. What is the world coming to?

Stay home where you cannot mis-read bumper stickers, and watch my Youtube Mom channel, full of quick life hacks.

Bilingual... ish

           The other day I met someone who can’t speak Pig Latin. This always surprises me because, like jumping rope or skipping, it just seems like a required part of childhood.

          So I thought I’d write a blog for all those people who perhaps speak Spanish, French, Italian, Japanese, Norwegian, and Swahili—yet have not mastered this secret language.

          And here’s the real secret: You’re already speaking it!  Yes, my friends, once again I have compiled a blog unlike any other. I have found four—count ‘em, four—English words that also double as Pig Latin!

          Let’s begin with a word we’ve all used: Ebay.  This is Pig Latin for be.  Or bee.  I-yay E-say Un-way Ebay. It means, “I see one bee.”

          Outstay is another one. It means to overstay, as in many a visiting relative.  You will find it in Pig Latin if you’re trying to say, ‘Stout.”  This is a word that is both a noun (describing a dark beer) or an adjective (describing a strong or chubby person).

          And in either case, it is pronounced, “Outstay” in Pig Latin. The “st” blend stays together.

          Next we have the word, obey. It’s Pig Latin for Bow, which has too many meanings to list here (bow tie, bow and arrow, a violin’s bow, etc.).  Pig Latin rules are that you must put the first consonant after the word, with “ay” following.  This gives you “Oh Bay.”

          “Airway” is the last word, and it’s Pig Latin for “wear.” It comes from putting that W at the end, followed by “ay.”   “Can you wear this hat?” becomes “An-cay oo-yay airway is-thay at-hay?”  Soon you’ll be absolutely fluent at the Bay of Pigs, England’s Swine village, or even Hogwarts.

          Ow-nay  oo-yay  ow-knay.

While practicing this marvelous tongue, watch any of the hundreds of short life hacks on my Youtube Mom channel!

Getting Things Down Pat

           Ever been patted on the head?  How about in the middle of the night?

          My first thought was, “Why is St. Bob patting me on the head and waking me up?”

          And my second thought was, “Are you KIDDING me?  I’m patting my own head?  At three in the morning?  Am I NUTS?”

          Well the answer to that is probably yes, though I can’t remember the dream that made me do that. Also, I was not trying to rub my stomach at the same time, in case you were wondering.

          All I can surmise is that I was a very, very good girl.  Right?

         Be sure to subscribe to my Youtube Mom channel, where you can find hundreds of life hacks!