I have the best idea EVER for a baby name. You get a corporate sponsor, the same as a stadium or a theatre does. And you also make a million bucks in the process. Hey, how do we know this is not how Gwyneth Paltrow wound up with a kid named Apple?
I hit upon this idea when St. Bob recently sold the naming rights for the new, gorgeous amphitheater here in Rocklin, California. It took me no time whatsoever to extrapolate this concept to the naming of a child. Yes, that is how my mind works.
Think about it. Do we not all know babies with crazy names, already? I even collected them and once tried to sell a book called, “You named your baby WHAT?” but couldn’t get any takers.
We’ve all heard of the wild names that really exist—Ima and Ura Hogg of Texas, Saran Rapp, Chanda Lear, Orangejello and Lemonjello. In fact, I spent the majority of my childhood in Utah, which has now become the Crazy Name Capitol, with parents inventing names right and left. In fact, if Tylenol were not already a product name, twenty-five people would be named that right now.
But this idea is even better because you make money in the process. And you can raise the rates if your child does well in life. Graduates high school? Another ten thousand. Graduates college? Fifteen thousand. Tack on a few bucks for every award, and for going into a prestigious career. “Yep, that’s my son, the neurosurgeon, Beano.” Sure, the name would be ghastly, but the bucks would be worth it
Although that does bring up a bit of a problem. Somehow I can’t imagine someone growing up well-adjusted and staying out of jail if their name is HoneyBuns Bakery. Or Dulcolax. Even Fatburger presents problems.
What if you were sponsored by Depends? Or Roto-Rooter? You’d definitely have to make sure you could live with the name.
There’s an entire city that did this, too, you know. In fact, St. Bob became a big part of it all. Back in 1950, Ralph Edwards announced that he would air his 10th anniversary radio quiz show in the city that would change its name to “Truth or Consequences.” That’s how the city of Hot Springs, New Mexico became Truth or Consequences—still its name today.
And since my St. Bob replaced Bob Barker as host of the national TV show, he went to “T or C” every May for years, to host it on stage in the city’s annual “Fiesta.” We often took the kids, rode in the parade,
and have many fond memories with Ralph and other celebrities he brought to town for the event.
So if an entire city can do it, why can’t you? I’m just saying, if you’re pregnant and you’d like your child’s college paid for…