Friday, July 25, 2014

Oompa Loompa Legs

          I have Oompa Loompa legs.  I smeared them with tanning cream and now they are orange, like the Oompa Loompas in the Willy Wonka movie. And, unlike movie makeup, this does not come off.
          Oh, sure, eventually it will come off—on my pants, socks, and towels.  But at the moment it’s on there like permanent marker.  Here’s how it happened.
          First, I am as pale as the background of this post you are reading.  In fact, someone could type all over me and you wouldn’t know the difference.  People pay dentists a fortune to whiten their teeth to the color of my skin.
          So I see a darling young mother at church with beautiful tan legs and I ask her if she spends all her time outside to get such a lovely tan and she says no, that it’s a tanning cream.
          Now I’m astounded.  I’ve tried those creams before and they never looked that good.  I dash to Walgreen’s to purchase the very brand she recommends. 
          I shower, exfoliate my legs and feet, then dry off.  Now time for the magic!  I spread the cream on my legs and wear shorts and flip-flops all day so it won’t smudge. 
Three hours later I pass a mirror and gasp.  Not only am I darker than any carrot you can find,

but the color is also in splotchy streaks, as if I lost a paintball war.  If you think I'm posting pictures of my legs, you have another think coming.  These are someone else's legs. 
I contact my friend who tells me she just uses a spot of cream the size of dime and rubs it evenly all over her legs.  A dime?  A DIME?  I’ve been using a fifty-cent piece!   A dime would soak in before I even got up one shin.  And, okay, I did it quickly.  But that’s because I was afraid it would dry before I could smooth it on everywhere.  I also have orange-speckled knuckles on my hands, from rushing when I washed it off.
The whole point was to be able to wear skirts and dresses without pantyhose in this ridiculous triple-digit heat we’ve been having.  Now I have to wear LONG skirts, LONG pants, and gloves to hide my legs and hands, as if it’s the dead of winter.  
Or… I do have one alternative idea.  You know how chevron print is in right now?  You see everyone wearing those cute zig-zag skirts, right? 
Well I have gone one better.  I have chevron print LEGS.  Tell me I’m not a trend-setter.

You can read one of my books while waiting for your chevron legs to dry— check them out here.


1 comment:

  1. Oh boy, I know where you're coming from. I tried self-tanning creams many years ago, and it wasn't good. In order to avoid streaks, I simply needed to make sure that no water touched my body, and that I didn't sweat. At all. I gave that up pretty quickly.