We all know that next month is June, the most popular month for weddings, right? And that makes May the most popular month for bridal showers. Whether you are giving one or attending one-- or even if you are a man just reading this blog-- I am offering you, completely free of charge, a wonderful goodie to give the bride-to-be. It’s my Top 20 list for any woman planning a successful marriage:
1. After your husband expresses concern about whether a tall crystal vase might get knocked over on the family coffee table, do not respond with a sentence that begins, “Only a moron…”
2. Do not ask what he is thinking. His is not thinking anything and your asking just points this out.
3. Do not scoff at the importance of watching the play-offs to the play-offs to the division championships to the Super Duper Final Series Winners.
4. Do not suggest, at any point, even if you are approaching the Canadian border, that he stop and ask for directions. Take along some knitting and make a sweater.
5. Do not ask him to tell his funny stories when invited to dinner at someone else’s home, or to make his funny ducky sounds.
6. Do not volunteer him to help the neighbors with household repairs he has claimed to have done but which you have not personally witnessed being done.
7. Do no throw away his gigantic, 64 oz. Big Gulp cups that he is saving because he gets a discount when he goes in for a refill.
8. Never say, “But we already have a set of tools.”
9. Never say, “Notice anything different about me?”
10. Never ask, “Does this make me look fat?”
11. Do not make soy burgers.
12. Do not refer to his shirts as “tops.”
13. Do not tell the story about him that his mother told you, about the time he wet the bed at camp.
14. Do not surprise him by signing up for a different phone service, insurance company, internet provider, or bank, even if the ad sounded irresistible.
15. If he’s out with a friend somewhere, do not tell callers “He’s with his boyfriend,” even though this person is male and is a friend.
16. Do not invite him to babysit your sister’s kids with you for the weekend, so he can see what it’s like to be a parent.
17. Do not point out the remaining nuts and bolts of a kit he has just finished assembling.
18. Do not try to change him. It won’t work, it will tick him off, and it will remind him of his mother, not exactly the makings of a romantic mood.
19. Do not say, “Oh, look, you missed one,” when he is holding a leaf blower and has been cleaning up the yard for thirty minutes.
20. Do not compare his work to the handyman’s. Just let it go and be glad he agreed to hire a handyman.
Brilliant stuff like this is in all my books, folks. This list appeared in “Funeral Potatoes – The Novel.” And, some of it, possibly, in my actual life.